LuLu's Desperate House Dogs Presents a ROGUE'S GALLERY of Very Naughty (and currently invisible) Canines. (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

First Offender: Lily...Breed: Cavalier King Charles Spaniel...Profile: Lily is a stunning, if aging, beauty whose life story is a compilation of high drama, wild romance, and dark deeds. Born on a bucolic puppy farm in the heartland, she was not popular with the other pups because everybody's mother loved her best....She was once the "face" of Sushi-Siam Pet Foods, until she became addicted to whale meat and sued the company for millions...Later, kidnapped and held as a love slave by a crazed Asian dictator, she had to be rescued by members of a UN special forces unit...Later still, she started her own religion and declared herself a goddess. Thanks to (space) alien intervention, Lily has an estimated IQ of 300...Most recent dubious achievement: She has invented an invisibility harness which she is now peddling on Wall Street with great success...The best thing that can be said about her: She's definitely not the average bitch next door. (Non-photo by J.M. Hilton)

Second Offender: Bernie...Breed: Basset...Profile: Bernie is a genius con dog whose sociopathic tendencies showed up early when he got the other puppies in his litter to pay him for stealing their squeak toys. More recently, he stole 12-million bowsers from the Lincoln Park treasury, and convinced more than 200 squirrels they were lemmings before getting himself named beneficiary of their life insurance policies. Thanks to Lily's harness, he is now invisible...Most recent dubious achievement: Last month Bernie sent ten bowsers to the Humane Society and paid part of a vet bill for his arthritic grandmother...The best thing that can be said about him: He recently gave up his yacht. (Non-photo by J.M. Hilton)

Third Offender: Zeus...Breed: Lab mix...Profile: Zeus is the self-proclaimed "illegitimate twin brother" of Prince John, Lincoln Park's exhaustively libertine royal. Zeus, however, is said to prefer tree frogs to bitches. He likes to wrap himself in a cloak of invisibility similar to Lily's harness...Most recent dubious achievement: He took a job in Washington, helping beleaguered politicians make pork disappear...The best thing that can be said about him: He really doesn't seem to have a clue, and he IS part Labrador. (Non-photo by J.M. Hilton)

Fourth Offender: "Get outta here! I've had thirty-three arrests and no convictions! I'm not even a dog! And I'm not invisible!" (Cartoon by A.G. Oscard)

HISTORY I0I FOR TODAY'S AVERAGE PUPPY: "Let's see, it was Washington, Irving, Roosevelt, uh, Presley, Nixon, Donald and Blitzen, Abraham and Lincoln." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"President Irving was the guy who wore a blue dress, dated Linda Ronstadt, stole Illinois from the Spanish, and started the Wars of the Roses. I get my GED now, right?" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Happy Presidents Day.....or whatever~" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)