"Do you have a picture of the Damn Doggone that doesn't involve an anachronism, Mr. Melrose?" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

Actually, that's DOCTOR Melrose, Sally. I earned my advanced degree from a little known but vibrantly eclectic university on Pluto." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Oh, Great Dog! Just get on with it!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Righty-roo. Here's the Damn Doggone popping up again...this time in a painting by Flemish master Pieter Bruegel, sometime in the 16th century. Columbus had discovered America and the New World was being colonized." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Colonizing the New World? Wasn't that a good thing?"(Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"I'd personally give it a dewclaw up, although I'm risking censure from the politically correct by saying so. Columbus was a secret member of the Illuminati, after all." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

Previously on LDHD: "This is Sally King-Charles for LDHD semi-instant news again, about to reluctantly interview conspiracy theorist Ace Melrose, who's going to tell us all about a phenomenon known as the Damn Doggone. All right, Ace, give us the skinny!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"The Damn Doggone is a strange comet kind of thingie that usually ushers in misfortune. Here's a snapshot of it taken over the Arizona desert some six-thousand years ago." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Six-thousand years? Who the kennel was running around with a camera six- thousand years ago?" (Photh by J.M. Hilton)

"Why, the Moon Doggies, of course. This shot was taken a mere three months before the Great Plague of Xgomalrrcolarojx wiped out almost the entire alien colony. Try not to ask silly questions, Sally." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Right. And for this I gave up a semi-successful career in real estate?" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"HELP!!!!!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"That ain't no Halley's Comet -- that's a Jiffy Pop popcorn popper hauling a body!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"I say it's another Balloon Boy -- only this time it's a dog! Then again, it COULD be something supernatural." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Does anybody remember Y2K? Just asking." (Photo by Steph J.)

"HELP!!!!!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Hello. This is Sally King-Charles for LDHD semi-instant news, where we're still investigating The Strange Occurrence on Mastiff Moor. We have reports that something floating overhead out there has sent the locals into an absolute tailspin. We take you now to Icarus MacGregor for an on-the-spot report. Are you still there, MacGregor?" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Afraid not, Sally. Mr. MacGregor has just become the reluctant plaything of two rampaging female hyenas. But all the better, because this is Ace Melrose on the scene -- and I've got an explanation for the mess of mayhem. It's a phenom called the Damn Doggone, and it usually appears right before a major disaster -- a war, an epidemic, another member of MENSA getting kicked off The Bachelor. It's sort of like Halley's Comet, only it's not." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"The Damn Doggone? Halley's Comet? Stop pulling my leash! That's ludicrous." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Shut yo' mouff, mama! Oh, sorry, Sally. I misunderstood. The thing is, I have both controvertible and incontrovertible proof that the Damn Doggone exists. I also have some pretty interesting pictures of you and sizzling hot TV anchor Noah Blackstone playing pawsies on a bear rug. You scratch my back right above the tail bone and I don't billboard 'em. Deal?" (Photo by J.M. Hilton) Story likely to be continued....