"If Vladmir is really out to ice me, I need to get out of this body and into Polly Perky's fast. Might as well let my ex-wife take the hit. What's the worst that could happen -- I wind up getting rat-terriered by Steve Wilkos?" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Attempt to kill Vladimir? Well, that might prove one way to get his attention. Maybe a little radiation on a chewie? But I don't want to get too carried away." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Vladimir once ripped by harness and shredded my heart, but murder him? Well, it would have to be tastefully done." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"For the right price, I'd knock off Scooby-Doo." (Cartoon by A.G. Oscard)

"I'll bomb Georgia, then North and South Carolina, and I might as well throw in Florida while I'm at it..." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

E-mail sent to Polly Perky's Advice Column in Mammal Magazine: "Dear Polly Perky...my boyfriend is planning to start World War III if I won't move to Siberia with him. I'll admit I'm kind of flattered, but I'd rather not go down in history as the most self-centered bitch since Helen of Troy. Besides, my movie career is really snapping retractables these days. Can you help me? Signed...Torn in TinselTown." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

From Polly Perky's Advice Column in Mammal Magazine: "Dear Torn in TinselTown....have you considered joint counseling? I get the impression your boyfriend is struggling with a lot of insecurities right now. He might even perceive your successful career as a threat to his masculinity. By the way, you do come across as somewhat self-centered, sweetie, and a good male is hard to find these days....Best, Polly Perky~" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"How do I take out Vladimir? OK, first I have to hire a couple of thugs...." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Oh, come on, darling -- are you still hoping to create you own ending to The Sopranos, or what? Try relying on a clever ferret who really knows what she's doing." (Cartoon by A.G. Oscard)