"By the way, just so you'll know, our academic hounds inform us that Goldilocks did not spring from the fertile imaginations of the Brothers Grimm but from a collection of English fairy tales. The Grimms wrote a similar story however, but they called it something else. You know, kind of like the writers do today." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"I'm a dethroned dictator! My wife has stolen my empire and I, Vladimir of Siberia, am struggling along, trying to make a name for myself on Talk Radio. By the way, I recently dumped my mistress and wish I hadn't. Can you help me, Polly Perky?" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Dear Polly Perky, I'm a Senator with a somewhat unusual problem: I'm in love with my wife and would like to get her back. I didn't marry her for her money, or because her father had clout, or because she could help me carry the state. Can you help me? PS: All my colleagues are snickering behind my back." (Photo by B. Javens)

"I'm a handsome and much sought-after celebrity who is about to become engaged to Queen Ava of the Gummy Bear Galaxy. We consider ours a marriage of equals, but her kids disagree. They want to have me drawn and quartered and my bones tossed to wolves. Can you help me, Polly Perky?" (Cartoon by A.G. Oscard)

"Dear Polly Perky, I'm in love with a priest. Not only are we not of the same religion, we're of different breeds. Should I take that job as a rat catcher on an Iberian freighter and try to forget him? Or can you offer us some small ray of hope?" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"I'm a fetching young Aussie who used to be married to a Senator, but now I'm seeing a louse from the House. Obviously things are going to the dogs. Should I leave Washington and try my luck on Wall Street?" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Dear Polly Perky, I'm a wasp who's currently in a witness protection program. Hmmm. Come to think about it, life's not so bad these days. Never mind." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"I'm an absolutely breathtaking young film star whose boyfriend recently dumped her. Is he insane? I also can't find my manager anywhere. Help me, Polly Perky!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"I'm out of money and have no friends! I feel swamped! I want my job with a certain gorgeous film star back. Help me, Polly Perky!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Dear Polly Perky, my vet has suggested that I have gag reflex surgery. Oh, forget it! Who listens?" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"That Polly Perky is awesome! I hear she has an IQ of 300, which means she must be the smartest little dog in the whole wide world. Mammal Magazine ought to give her an obscene raise! She should be making more bowsers than any bailed-out CEO!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"I'm Polly Perky and I also want stock options. By the way, my autobiography, The Polly Perky Era, will be available in every bookstore on the planet as soon as the utterly boring US general election is over and done with. Polly Perky perfume should be hitting the shelves at DogMart right before Xmas. Meanwhile, Polly Perky training leashes, tees, mugs, puppy naps, towels, sheets, and banners are currently available at WeloveUPollyPerky.com/ Remember, little mammals, I am thinking of you always, and keep high hopes for your welfare close to my heart, etc. Now get out there and fill those coffers so I can donate yet MORE money to charity~" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)