"Oh, won't somebody please help me? My boss, Sir Vinney Poodle, has been kidnapped by one of the other Lincoln Park presidential candidates. Why won't anybody listen?" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"The poor bitch must be demented. How could such a thing ever happen in a well-run democracy like Lincoln Park?" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Democracy? Hey! Wait a minute! Lincoln Park's not a democracy. Ooops!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Ever get a feeling the dingleberries are about to hit the fan?"/"Just like a tsunami bitch-slappin' a duck pond." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Don't you just love the way a politician will spend a fortune to get backers, and even more money to get a campaign moving -- and finally, after this old dog has spent millions and millions of bowsers in order to get elected to the highest office in the land, you learn that it was all done to help you? Yep, to help YOU out there gnawing placidly on a beat-up lamb bone and thinking about a good way to scare the be-jesus out of the neighbor's cat. For you, who would prefer to be let alone to dream of chasing rabbits you can never catch and of scaring off burglars you will never encounter. The dog wants to help YOU. Roll over and be grateful now. Hawarf!" (Photo by Mark T.)

"'All warfare, including politics, is based upon deception.'" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"What else is new?" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Gnaw! I think it was Sean Penn." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"We're all set for Super Tuesday, Old Hickory. Your competition has been rendered useless! Sir Vinney Poodle has been kidnapped and brainwashed into believing he's run off and joined the French Foreign Legion, and Lily the spaniel is still off in Scotland, attempting to raise an army." (Photo by Stephanie J.)

"I'm learning to seriously hate haggis." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Better learn to love it, Lily. You've never been all that great at cat-and-mouse games." (Photo by Stephanie J.)

"But one tetchy problem remains! I'm not the only space alien running for president. Find the other one and chop off a few limbs!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Oh, dear! It's back to politics, I fear. I'd much rather stick with sports -- it's a little less rigged." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)