Previously on LDHD: "Whew! That was close! It's been seven-hundred years between pee stops!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Seven-hundred years? I hadn't realized airline service was that bad!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Say what? No wonder she was howling for help!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Seven-hundred YEARS? The Dog Whisperer needs to hear about this one!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"This is Sally King-Charles...back in the studio at an unholy hour...to report more mischief on misty Mastiff Moor. Fortunately, I don't have to stagger over there. Out standing in your field yet again, eh, MacGregor?" (Photo by J. M. Hilton)

"I think you need to knock off the dogwood juice, Sally, but I am out here on boggy Mastiff Moor, and right above me in a tree is one of our stringers, Red Pecker, who just witnessed a rather intriguing incident." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Yeah, well, I was up here, killin' bugs, ya' know, when I, like, sees these two hounds...and I don't hear so good, but they was growlin' in a threat'n' manner at each n'other. And I sees the one's Robert Labrador, the symbols guy...and the other's old Ace Melrose, who I think should'a stuck to wrestlin' pit bulls. Then the cops showed up." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Was their argument about the Damn Doggone, Red?" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Say again? Doggone? Yeah, and I'm damn glad." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Thanks for the insightful input, Red. Back to you at the studio, Sally." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"ZZZZZZZZ!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Dog's teeth! I do believe this thing is about to land!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"This is brilliant canine symbologist Robert Labrador here to tell you that the Damn Doggone is nothing more than a specious hoax! A cheap trick! And I wish I'd thought of it." (Photo by Beth J.)

"The Damn Doggone is NOT a hoax! Bared fangs at dawn on misty Mastiff Moor, sir cur?" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"In case anybody's interested, I just saw my shadow in there." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

WE INTERRUPT OUR CURRENT STORY FOR A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT. Go ahead, Sadie!....."I'm on? Oh, OK. Hello, this is Sadie Whippet. As you may or may not know, the AKC just released its list of the ten most popular dog breeds in the United States -- omitting, as usual, the finest dog of all....the mixed-breed or at-random dog, also known as The Mutt. Mutts often tend to be more intelligent and healthier than purebreds, so if you're looking for a truly great dog instead of an accessory or a status symbol, you might consider a dog like ME. Not that I'm up for adoption, but there are plenty of Whippet/Terrier/Beagle mixes who are. Thank you for your time." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"I would remind you, Sister Sadie, that the AKC listed the purebred Beagle as the fifth most popular dog in the country."/"Yeah, but they don't have to live with you." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

...And now, back to our story: Oddly enough, LDHD reporter Sally King-Charles has become suspicious about the mysterious Damn Doggone. (Photo by J.M. Hilton; picture by Pieter Bruegel, who is unlikely to sue us.)

"There's something about the Damn Doggone dog that looks awfully familiar! In fact, she strongly resembles a former rival of mine named Lily -- a real publicity hound! (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Well, I think you can find almost anything you're looking for in the Damn Doggone, Sally: Egyptian hieroglyphics, lost dreams of puppyhood, instructions from the IRS that actually make sense...." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

Meanwhile: "Hey! If this 'conspiracy theory' clown isn't starting to scratch on my patch -- my name isn't brilliant canine symbologist Robert Labrador!" (Photo by Beth J.)