"Tonight, as a sort of final salute to summer, LuLu's Desperate House Dogs presents: 'A Rube Goldberg Montage of Confusion.' I don't really get how that's a salute to summer, but what the hell do I know? I'm only a dog." (Photo by B. Javens)

"Oil is dropping in price, Mr. Hound."/"Must be time to move our bowsers back into the financials, old chap!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Mommy Dearest says she'll turn the entire universe against Earth if they won't pay for our oil."/"Do you think she's kidding?"/"Oh, sure! Like, we don't know SHE has the sense of humor of a Mongrafian electric eel with a short circuit?" (Photo by J.M. Hilton) PS: In order to make any sense out of this story at all, remember to read it from the bottom up. Of course the story doesn't have to make any sense, and if you'd rather it didn't, read it any damn way you want.

"Hello there, Vladimir, my sexy Siberian ticket to the big time!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Ah, Natalia, come back with me to Siberia while I plot the bombing of Georgia...and possibly South Carolina." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Hold it, bucko! Get your paws off that misty-eyed mastiff, or you'll have to deal with ME!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"The more the merrier, as Joe Stalin once quipped about firing squads. I like the big girls, but you make good appetizer treat, no?" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

By the flood waters of Chivernia! He's right! I've turned into a little bitch!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Sigh! Here I am, alone and friendless, pursued by angry Shih-Tzus! I ought to fly to California and throw myself into the La Brea Tar Pits!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Psst! Hey, ugly prehistoric throwback! You're not fulfilling your obvious potential -- like, I need a bodyguard -- pronto!" (Cartoon by A.G. Oscard)

"This movie's not getting any better, Betty Sue. Let's leave!"/"But I like the show, Burt. Besides, there's a Carla Bruni song coming up!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Shall I compare our love to Class A drugs, Kaitlyn?"/"Oh, just roll me up and smoke me, Theodore!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Hi, there, you two...and please don't be alarmed. Despite appearances, I'm really an utterly adorable spaniel with an IQ of almost 300 and a large Internet following." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Honestly, Constable, I do feel sorry for these poor cross-species types, but you should've seen the teeth on that thing. Right, Theodore?" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Hello, Bassets! So, here I am -- your friend Vladimir from Siberia. Let me have your Lincoln Park oil field and nobody gets hurt. I call off wolf pack! Is this a good deal, or what?" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Ooooh! I think I may be in love again! Those gorgeous blue eyes! That killer instinct! The unspoken promise in his snarl!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Snuffling Sirius! I give up! They always go for the outlaw types!" (Photo by Beth Javens)

Meanwhile....the thoroughly miffed space alien sneaks up on his perfidious former wife, Lily (AKA Captain Amoreda), but matters, alas, do not always go as planned....(Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"What the Big Scooper just happened to me? I thought I swallowed the spaniel, but instead I BECAME the spaniel!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"I can't begin to imagine what Miss Polly at the Barks&Bows Doggie Boutique is going to make of these awful scales! And to think, she used to complain about my ear mats!" (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Miss Polly just closed her boutique permanently! If you think I'm giving a facial to a 'gator, honey, it's time for you to set your electronic collar on high." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"Where the arf is my bizzaro new agent? I need him to check out that blue-eyed Siberian guy who wants to be my new kibble daddy." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

"This plot sure is getting weird and kinky, Betty Sue. Why can't we just watch a good Guard Dog movie?"/"Hush, Burt! I'm still hoping for a classic Hollywood ending." (Photo by J.M. Hilton)