LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
posted by LuLu @ 11:40 PM
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
I am a single five-year-old female Beagle, shown here by myself, while my mix-up of a sister sings the praises of mutts on my blog. Well, let her. I have a most intriguing (one might even say lascivious) past, at least according to my autobiography. In a former lifetime I was Queen Elizabeth the Ist of England, and later on (among others) I was Nell Gwynn, Pauline Borghese, Louise Brooks, and eventually just lovable, neurotic, adorable ME. I have a perfectly charming, albeit very annoying, sister named Sadie. She's rarely plagued by conscience, possibly because she's a Sagittarius. To date she has attempted to steal most of my boyfriends, meaning we're quite used to fighting over bones. Sadie and I are the same age, although she's the adopted one. We do have a fair amount of things in common. For example, she was once Mary Queen of Scots, and later on both Barbara Villiers and Marlene Dietrich. Amazingly we get along -- at least when we're before the public~
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Rockie's back! Balls will roll! LMSAO!!!
It looks like King Rockie has put on some weight. He is imposing.
Rockie is a big boy who would make a half dozen of us. Kings should be big, however. We are busy moving and got a new crate for transportation.
We are not riding much now and won't be until after we get to Minnesota and into the new place.
Wait a minute! Where was this picture taken? It can't be Lincoln Park because that is obviously a real lake and what looks like a beach. It looks like Lake Erie!
Truly amazing, Molly. Like maybe the picture wuz taken at Lake Erie?
im pretty sure that rocky is in a fountain.
A fountain? Look like a lot of sand around there, Anon. Besides, there are waves.
On second thought, it looks more like a river.
On second thought, I see a fin!
That is finny.
Why does Rocky spell his name Rockie? Or does he? I like Rockman. He's a handsome brute and I would like very much to meet him over by the lake.
The Eye On The Park...
Dateline Lincoln Park:
"Dahling!" cried Lady Dixie Simba (formerly known as the Asp) when she spotted supermodel Lily Hilton padding about the park earlier today. "I'm delighted to see you! It was so interesting reading about your adventures in North BimBim. I guess somebody dropped a bomb over there in order to rescue you?"
The two chic Cavalier King Charles spaniels rubbed noses and wagged tails.
"It was Prince Slim Jim Kim's WIFE who dropped the bomb," confided Lily. "When she found out his new love interest was none other than my beauteous self, she packed his Viagra bottle with explosives. I was sooo lucky to come down with a headache that night, and then I got rescued by the Polish navy..."
"Oh, what fun!" Dixie enthused. "Well, what -- or who -- lies ahead for you, sweetums?"
"Oh, I've given up on males, sex, and whale meat," Lily replied. "Dixie, I've found DOG."
"Well, dear, I must say, that's very convenient."
"Why?" Lily asked her, looking puzzled.
"Because it's such a marvelous excuse for just about everything. You don't want to go to a certain party, or go out with a particular person, all you have to do is say you've found Dog. Absolutely nobody will want to hear about it, meaning they'll be glad to drop you like a broken Frisbee."
"Really?" said Lily, halting the swish of her feathery tail in mid wag. "That can't be good."
"What you need to do is start your own church," suggested Dixie. "You know, get others personally involved in the enlightenment."
"I never thought of that," Lily admitted. "But what would I call it?"
Dixie thought for a moment. "How about the Church of Lily? You are quite famous, after all."
Lily whipped her tail back and forth. "Oh, I like that! The Church of Lily. The faithful could praise Dog and praise ME at the same time."
Dixie nodded. "Exactly, and one of your main articles of faith could be based on youth and beauty -- and high fashion."
"I love your ideas!" And Lily touched noses again. "You've found Dog, too. Haven't you, Dixie?"
"In a manner of speaking," her friend assured her.
The two pretty bitches padded off together. "By the way," said Dixie, as they strolled leisurely toward the lake, "I'm working on a wonderful new canine cosmetics line. Great stuff. All natural ingredients. Let's do chow tomorrow at the new Poppa Poochie's, and discuss a little theology.
Developing....
What lake, Missy?
The picture of Lily and the Asp is priceless.
The Asp has a wonderful face! Is it the same dog you used last year? She's looks so different.
U r some brain, Kabby. Got a feeling Asp was a PUPPY last year. Awesome powers of deduction, RS.
You may be right for a change, Hooey. Her coat is the same color but she's grown up. I wish you would.
U r such BS, KB.
Missheaven, I'm a handsome brute with big paws and a HOOGE tongue. Wan-na dance?
The perfect cocktail for Halloween
SATAN'S WHISKERS
3/4 OZ DRY VERMOUTH
3/4 OZ SWEET VERMOUTH
1/2 OZ OF ORANGE JUICE
1/2 OZ GRAND MARNIER
A DASH OF ORANGE BITTERS
Shake well in a cocktail shaker half filled with ice, and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Use an orange twist for a garnish.
Goes well with apple bobbing and full moons. Bow wow.
The Eye On The Park...
Dateline Vilnius, Lithuania:
Sexpuss actress Chantilly Khat narrowly escaped serious injury yesterday, while filming a scene from the new Archibald Catt film, "The Lurid Leaf Pile," here in the Lithuanian capital.
"It's a good thing I have nine lives and always land on my feet," purred the fee-lin-ational starlet.
"Oddly enough, the scene was originally meant for Lena," she informed us, referring to actress Lena (Waggs) LaMarr, who was recently rescued by police, and private detective Snots Cluzo, from an exotic pet store in East Los Angeles, after inexplicably vanishing from the movie set in Vilnius.
"After Lena disappeared, they rewrote the scene for lucky little me," the catress explained. "I was supposed to leap from a tree and fall into a nice, soft leaf pile. Well, I didn't fall; I landed straight up on all four paws, and it's a good thing. If I'd landed differently, I would have been impaled by a spear that was buried in the leaves. Meowin' scary, no?"
Arffin' yes!
In a follow-up interview, producer/director Archibald Catt told us, "I can't imagine that this unfortunate incident was anything but an accident. Lena was a lush with hormonal problems, but everybody loved her, and Chantilly is a gifted actress who's adored by the entire cast. She's an absolute sweetheart and I've never heard anyone say a word against her."
"I have," woofed the Catt family's former nanny, a washed-out and washed-up booze hound named Jessica.
"Give me five bowsers and I'll spill my guts," she wheedled.
Yeah, right. Like WE carry around that kind of loose change.
"The Lurid Leaf Pile" is currently way over budget and well past its deadline, according to plenty of strays who don't need to be bribed.
"If I were Archie Catt," a tweaky terrier from the makeup department told us, "I'd use that spear to impale myself."
Developing...
Maesh, you awesome, retrorobic old dog. Puppies shouldn't drink and their owners have to be sober enuff to walk them. Your recipes are good stuff though. Tails waggin'.
Moving sucks. Our toys are getting packed up and Deuce keeps getting into things. Yesterday she got in a box and almost got taped and shipped. LOL.
Hi, Fiver! You will miss your friends too.
I thought Deuce was his only friend. Once you get to Minnesota and get settled in, I predict you'll love it, Fiver.
That means u will hate it, Fiver.
Careful, Yog. The Kabby will CHIDE u 4 that.
Fiver, you and Deuce will love your new home and remember, you'll still have all your blog friends.
Yeh, u got us.
Be afraid, Fiver and Deuce. Be very afraid.
Helloooo? Did you all run off to Minnesota with Fiver? I have been looking for a large lake in Lincoln Park. Eureka! Rockie was out west this summer, and that is where the picture was taken?
Molly, there is a lake in Lincoln Park. I don't understand.
There is no lake.
No Lake Lincoln? It's probably Lake Michigan.
It's OHIO. I wish they would bring Shamus back, like you, Cathy. He's kind of my favorite too. They can invent a character but not a lake.
We're the Shamus twins, Molly. But it's Lake Ohio?
I used to love Monica Ferrett, but she's all weirded now and works for the chipmunk or Archie Catt or somebody? Shamus is an individual and I love that in him.
Nobody cares, Cathy.
Where in Ohio is Lake Ohio? Is it perchance in West Virginia?
Javens, u really in stir?
I said I was a con. I did not say I was in stir. U watch too many cop shows and they're a lot of
sh--! They don't get the terms right. Nothing.
U want to give us an update, Javens?
Could we keep in mind that this is a blog about dogs? By the way, Molly, since you live in Lincoln Park, take a GOOD look at the fountains on the commons. Just a hint.
Yes, master.
The Eye On The Park...
Dateline Los Angeles:
"Wow" said it all earlier today, when Carbolana, a stunning pink-and-white Chilean flamingo, strutted her way into a Beverly Hills animal clinic, and identified a haggard and confused marsupial being treated there as none other than Shamus O'Possum, author, revolutionary, and reluctant skydiver.
"OOOO! But of course it is HE, coochie coochies!" the ebullient bird honked to the press. "Poor, poor Shamus. He was kidnapped, don't you see? Kidnapped by a pair of coyotes who raided our nesting area. OOOO! Dearest darlings, it was awful. Anyway, there Shamus was in Patagonia..."
"PATAGONIA?"
"The plane he fell out of got a weensie bit off course, coochie coochies" she explained.
We guess!
"So there he was in the Chilean Andes, clinging to a monkey puzzle tree, and wailing about Lincoln Park."
"Can you really bend your knees in two directions?" we wanted to know.
"Certainly, dearest darlings, but we were talking about Shamus." She lit a slender French cigarette and went on. "After my two-thousand friends and I fluttered and fanned him and patched him up, I dug out my old computer..."
"A flamingo in Patagonia has a computer?"
She craned her neck, ruffled her feathers. "Good God, coochie coochies, this is the 21st Century, and we do have AOL -- although I'm partial to RoadRunner. It's an endangered species thing."
We said we understood. She swallowed her cigarette.
"Dear Shamus tried DESPERATELY to reach somebody, anybody, back home," she honked, then hacked.
"Wait a minute," we said, putting two and three together. "The letter 'P' that kept showing up on the office computer -- why, that was from Shamus, and it was 'P' for 'Patagonia.'"
"Actually, dearest darlings, it was more likely 'P' for 'PinkandKinky,' my screen name."
"Or 'Phoenicopterus Chilensis,'" we joked clumsily.
She didn't get the joke.
"OOOO, coochie coochies, would you believe that the coyotes who raided our nests and kidnapped Shamus seemed to know him?" PinkandKinky continued. "'Wait until Chico sees this.' That's just what they said."
"Did you catch their names?" we asked her.
She honked a laugh. "Darlings, one can catch a cold or a star, but how does one catch a name?" And she flapped her exquisite wings.
"American English, coochie coochies!" She honked a laugh again.
Developing....
Lakes suck.
YAAAAAAAAY!
Welcome home, Shamus. I guess he fell out of a low flying plane. About that lake.....?????
A bad morning, bloggers. Deuce swallowed one or more carpet tacks and we had to get her to the clinic pronto. The vet said they might have to do surgery. I am scared for her.
Oh, Fiver, that's terrible!
She'll be okay, Fiver, but it is a shame that had to happen.
Hands up for people who think Deuce's owner is a man. Letting a dog swallow tacks sounds like my exhusband who let our dog into a box of nails.
Not all men are morons, Jean. I know you are recently seperated or divorced, but give Fiver's owner a break. He took the dog to a clinic to get medical help. Remember that puppies are alwsy getting into something.
What a terrible thing to say! Deuce could be firhting for her life, Jean. How can u be so mean?
Choak on a cockroach, Anony.
My dog is a maneater but he hates manhaters. Sic Jean, Sic Jean...
Bad bear, truly bad. And I'm just talking about you spelling.
Yo r? Get in line.
I like manhattans.
Deuce is going to be alright. Thanks everybody for your support.
Good deal, Fiver.
Glad to read about Deuce, Fiver. Tell her we send her our very best paws up -- and in the future -- lay off those carpet tacks!!!!
The Eye On The Park...
Dateline Los Angeles:
Author/revolutionary Shamus O'Possum has been moved to an undisclosed five-star hotel with saunas in every room and on-staff muscle, following an attempt on his life early this afternoon.
According to Dr. Siggi Jung, a person or mammal unknown blew a curare dart at the recovering opossum through an open window at her exclusive veterinary clinic in Beverly Hills while her patient was enjoying a late lunch.
"That sort of thing simply isn't done around here," she said. "I mean, the wrapping wasn't even Gucci."
According to Dr. Jung, Mr. O'Possum was saved by the cheeseburger he was holding.
"The dart," she said, "wound up in the melted cheese."
According to private eye Snots Cluzo, there are no leads in the case tonight, but he's working on it.
"I find it very interesting that Lena LaMarr, also known as Waggs LaMarr, who was formerly known as Spencer Hilton, wound up in the same exotic pet store in East LA as Shamus O'Possum," he said, while lighting a calabash gourd pipe similar to the one often used by Sherlock Holmes...or at least by Basil Rathbone.
"Lena LaMarr recently disappeared from the set of Archibald Catt's new movie, 'The Lurid Leaf Pile,' which is being shot in Lithuania, and just the other day, Chantilly Khat, the star of the film, was almost killed in an alleged accident."
"Where are you going with this one, Snots?" asked his faithful sidekick, Belle the Cocker, while cracking her gum.
"Could there be a connection here?" he murmured with a low musing growl.
"Well, yeah," said Belle. "Sure there's a connection."
"Then again," the PI continued, "Shamus spent time in Patagonia. That's in South America, and where do they get curare?"
Belle cracked her gum again and ran around the block for exercise.
"And just the other day Carbolana, a Chilean flamingo, showed up to identify Mr. O'Possum as Mr. O'Possum."
Belle came running back, sat down, and wagged her tail at the press. "You're the one who brought Carbolana here, Snots," she reminded him.
He gnawed on his pipe stem until it fell apart. "Ah, but I may have been her unwitting dupe."
"Uh, Snots..."
"A curare dart! A bird from Chile! It all makes sense!" he barked. "Carbolana the flamingo tried to kill Shamus O'Possum."
"I don't think so, Snots," said Belle, and proceeded to run circles around him.
Developing...
Glad Deuce is going to be fine, Fiver.
Me too, Fiver. That was a horrible story.
That's good news about Deuce, but they are trying to kill Shamus again. You're not upset, Cathy?
Shamus is part of a story, Molly. I'm not that dumb.
I never said u were dumb, Cathy. We're both Shamus fans, arn't we?
Cathy ain't in the mood, Molly. Neither am I.
Does any one on this blog talk about dogs any more? The bickering is inane.
What's the name of ur dawg in this fight?
Mitzy.
The Eye On The Park...
THE WEEKLY RECAP:
Here's the way it was as October rolled in like a bull mastiff hitting a leaf pile....
Supermodel Lily Hilton, recently rescued from the clutches of the insane and evil Slim Jim Kim of North BimBim, has reputedly found Dog, our canine creator, and plans to give up sex, males, and whale meat to follow the path of righteousness, or at least to follow a path.
Lady Dixie Simba, better known as the Asp, has suggested that Lily open her own eponymous church -- dedicated to youth, beauty, and very possibly scheming Dixie's new line of canine cosmetics.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, intrepid retriever-mix Inspector Snots Cluzo, now a private eye, managed to locate Lena (Waggs) LaMarr, formerly Spencer Hilton, Lily's onetime love interest and crate mate -- who recently disappeared from the movie set of 'The Lurid Leaf Pile,' an Archibald Catt film, which is being shot in Lithuania.
Cluzo, along with his clever sidekick, Belle the Cocker, also located author/revolutionary Shamus O'Possum, who was being held prisoner in the same exotic pet store in East LA as Lena/Spencer, after getting kidnapped in Patagonia.
Shamus was considered a goner after he tumbled out of the cargo hold of a plane flying over the Andes Mountains earlier this year. JSYK, Shamus was once Dixie Simba's fiance; he is also the author of two widely uncirculated books upon which 'The Lurid Leaf Pile' is based.
Only yesterday somebody tried to kill Shamus by blowing a curare dart at him, and smacking him right in the cheeseburger. Cluzo suspects Carbolana, a sultry Chilean flamingo from Patagonia, who recently identified the dazed and confused marsupial, but Belle thinks he's all wet.
Back in Lithuania, feline actress Chantilly Khat barely escaped serious injury when she landed on all fours during a stunt in a scene that was supposed to have been performed by Lena LaMarr. Was Chantilly marked for death? Was Lena? Was a stunt pussy?
Over in Paris, Moxie the Cavapoo, now the legitimate son and heir of the Duke of Rothschild and Roquefort, played the dirty email card, and managed to squeeze out of his contract with Sushi-Siam Pet Chow, Inc., the same unfortunate company which initially hired Moxie's mother Lily to be their woof person -- possibly the most catastrophic mistake since Fox Studios picked Liz Taylor to play the role of Cleopatra.
Last and foremost, LuLu's little sister Blue Girl want to run off to France to find Moxie, a hot dog she's convinced might be her one and only kibble cruncher.
Inquiring minds probably couldn't care less, but that's where our tale stands proudly for now.
If we've messed up and left anybody out, or failed to report on some of the action, give your coat a good shake and don't worry about it. We plan to pad our story with enough plot twists to keep an overly compulsive German shepherd guard dog biting his toenails.
You can bark on it~
Shamus is the bad man they all want to hit on. Me -- I've got an uncle like that.
Nobody around? Was it something I said?
Probably. I hope Deuce is all right.
How's your basset, Jean?
Deuce is fine. We're just really busy getting set to move. She is on medication and is responding well. She is also really pleased that she's getting attention on the blog.
I'm glad about Deuce, Fiver. Hugs and kisses to her.
SLURP! oH, kISSES to ME,kkb.
I thinks it's rather sweet that Jean's gotten over her mad.
Carlot swalowed a tooth brush.
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