The Story thus far...
The purebred dogs of Lincoln Park all share a secret: they were once famous human beings, now reincarnated as canines. LuLu, a beautiful young beagle, recalls a life spent as Queen Elizabeth I of England, and her beloved Earl of Leicester may currently be a Cavalier King Charles spaniel named Spencer, who lives down the street with LuLu's best friend, Lily, who just happens to be his crate mate. To further complicate matters, a pretty pup who claims to have once been Mary, Queen of Scots (as well as Eva Peron) has joined the group, and it's become obvious that she would like a rematch with LuLu.
Meanwhile, the pulchritudinous beagle is kept busy sorting out the lengthy list of suitors vying for her paw. First in line is Rockie the Labrador, the evident love of her life this time around. Hot on his hocks are: Benji the bearded collie, Rocko the bulldog, Tanner the curdog/beagle blend, Harmony the boxer, and two coyotes named Rush and Randhi, among others.
Lovely LuLu and her four-legged friends find trouble behind every fire hydrant. Last October they went hunting for the Maltese Chew Toy (search keywords: Maltese Chew Toy), and in January LuLu found herself imperiled in yet another thrilling mystery --The Hound of the Poconos. (Search keywords: Hound of the Poconos.)
Recently Morey the mutt signed on as a weekly blog columnist, exposing the underbelly of Lincoln Park, along with a few dark secrets of his own. (Search keywords: Morey the mutt.) Luscious Lily's psychic aunt, Madame Spirea, also arrived in town (via a gypsy wagon), bringing with her a crystal Kong ball and a salty tongue.
Now Spencer has been appointed "summer king" -- and immediately finds himself in the deepest doo-doo. Lincoln Park's a mess politically, proving that art imitates life, and who knows what will happen next?
Come join the absurdity of LuLu's Desperate House Dogs. We guarantee you'll bark out at least one good laugh. You might even find yourself rolling around on the grass, hoping you'll come back as a dog the next time around.
Tail wags and licks -- your blog hostess, LuLu~ CR, LuLu's Desperate House Dogs, 2005.
posted by LuLu @ 9:45 PM
38 Comments:
Spencer (2/08/2006 archives) just called Lily a "blogiehogiedoggie."
Truly mean and unkind. A "blogiehogiedoggie who's had cosmetic surgery," perhaps? But not simply a blogiehogiedoggie."
The Eye On The Park:
TEOTP has just learned that legal whiz and fashion maven, Dacia the schnauzer, has announced her engagement to Handsome Dan the bulldog, another Yale Law School grad.
"It's time I settled down, had a few pups, and then ran for Congress," Dacia announced from her limousine early this morning, while Handsome Dan stood by her side.
She was wearing a delightful Soda Shop Bop designer dress from the Gilded Paw and flashing a new diamond-studded velvet collar. "Dan slipped it into a plate of Howling Hound biscuits from Barker&Meowsky last night," she told us, while wagging her tail with the zest of a puppy.
"Did you two meet at Yale?" TEOTP wanted to know.
"Of course," came the reply, "and our love has grown over the past couple of years."
"Dacia helped me to dump my last three crate mates," explained Handsome Dan. "She's one bitch in a million."
"And so far the only lawyer you've taken as a bride," barked his sweetie, playfully whacking him across the nose with a good right hook.
The leash-locking is expected to take place at the end of the month, and invitations have already been sent out to two-thousand of the couple's dearest friends.
"Prince Paco will be giving me away," said Dacia, "but not for long."
Definitely not for long. Since Spencer the spaniel has relinquished his duties as summer king of Lincoln Park, opting instead for Hollywood and cross-dressing, our current prince regent will have his paws full until King Rockie returns in the fall.
Thus, after a leisurely honeymoon spent at a London dog park, Dacia plans to get busy helping the prince run our government. "He and his current assistant, LuLu the beagle, are seriously on the outs," Dacia confided, "so for an enormous salary, I've agreed to pretty much run the show."
"Until she has our first litter," put in Handsome Dan.
"Right," agreed Dacia. "Hopefully the puppies will be photogenic, because I'll want to use their pictures in my campaign ads."
(Developing....)
The Eye On The Park:
Not everybody, it would seem, is thrilled about Dacia the schnauzer's upcoming nuptials.
In a lengthy interview at a local singles bar tonight, one of our lushy interns got the scoop from Monica Ferret, Esquire, who is Dacia's disgruntled assistant.
"OK, so I didn't go to Yale," mumbled Ms. Ferret, Esquire, downing her fourth Gin Whopper.
"I'm a bloody good lawyer, if I do say so myself, and I do all the work, but she still gets the glory and the guy."
"You mean Handsome Dan?" asked our bleary reporter, who at least had enough sense to turn on her pocket recorder.
"Handsome Dan, handsome spam," hiccupped Monica. "Look, I even had lip augmentation surgery, and I still can't find a mate!"
"Well," sympathized our intern, "I see a lot of weasels and squirrels in this place, but not too many male ferrets."
I'll take anything," vowed Monica, thorough lips the size of sofa cushions. "I even went home with a boa constrictor last week. How's that for daring? I was going with the bad boy thing, you know?"
"And did he put the squeeze on you?" asked our snockered sob sister.
"No," moaned Monica, ordering a fifth Gin Whopper. "When it came time for show and tell, he had reptile dysfunction."
Bummer.
And methinks you'd better be at work on time tomorrow, Jessica.
The Eye On The Park:
This just in!!
There's another new puppy in town. His name is Logan, and he showed up in the park late this morning, asking around for his brother.
And that would be?
"Moxie," he said. "I'm Moxie's older bro."
Uh....HUH? Exactly how does that work? Moxie is a cavapoo, and Logan looks like a bichon.
"Are you also looking for your mother?" TEOTP wanted to know.
"Why?" said Logan. "Does she live here?"
(AT LAST! Something we might be able to actually develop! I'm mean, let's face it. We're getting almost as pathetic as the 11 o'clock news.)
Cute puppies^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Are you Kenny, birdflu?
Birdflu has to be Firbawl, so the question is: Kenny, are you Firbawl? Or maybe....Firbawl are you Kenny?
And this is getting too involved for me.
I luv monika.
I luv monika.
I luv monika.
Who is Monika?
Who is Monika?
Who is Monika?
I am Monica, I am Monica, I am Monica.
Monica Ferret, Esquire.
I am Spartacus!
The Eye On The Park:
TEOTP has learned a little bit more about mystery dog, Logan the bichon. He really is Mox the cavapoo's "brother." His brother by ADOPTION.
"Moxie was abandoned by his bio mom," explained Logan, "and so was I. We were taken in by a band of kindly gypsies and raised as brothers, you see?"
Yeah, we dig.
"I've never been all that keen to look up my original family," the utterly adorable pup went on, "but Mox has been curious about his since I can remember. Our auntie, who raised us, always said his mom was rich and famous. The only thing she said about mine was that she liked the males too much."
"You two pups sort of remind me of Paul Newman and Robert Redford," our features editor, Gretchen the dachshund (who's been around since the Great Flood) digressed inanely.
"Who? What?" asked Logan, cocking his delicious little head.
"Patrick Dempsey and Orlando Bloom," blurted reporter Maggie the cocker, who's a few years younger, "and who is sharing your kibble tonight?"
The two bitches immediately got into a snap-and-snarl, and handsome puppy hunk Logan was last seen leaving our office with Kinky the intern, a Jack Russell-beagle blend who's all of four months and sort of reminds the males of Mischa Barton.
Hopefully both Gretchen and Maggie are up to date on their rabies boosters.
(Developing....)
Sorry I forgot about 666, but here is a new drink for your ferret.
Satan's Whiskers
3/4 oz. gin
3/4 oz. dry vermouth
1/2 oz. OJ
1/2 oz. Grand Marnier
1 dash orange bitters
Shake in a container with cracked ice and strain contents into a chilled cocktail glass.
This cocktail isn't for actual ferrets. I have a ferret and would never give her alcohol.
This is a cocktail from the late 30s that you don't hear much about today. It's hard to make for two people and easier by the batch.
Sydney,
I would love to be your friend, but I live in Michigan.
Sydney,
Well, I will be happy to be your friend but right now I'm home sick. (Do you ever eat cat food? YUM!) I'm also taking some medicine that doesn't agree with me.
Hang in there -- there will be plenty of dogs in the park this summer, sweetie....including Mox and Logan~
Kenny is birdflu and firbawl and he used to be puppy angel.
Hi Sydney, its me Lily. I'll be your friend!
The Eye On The Park:
This just in!!
Supermodel Lily the spaniel has gone off the leash in Japan!
The new face of Sushi-Siam Dog Chow has been seen hitting all the well-known dog parks with a huge hunk of an Akita named Honshu, and even her aunt, eccentric psychic Madame Spirea, seems unable to control her.
Word is out that the generally pose-perfect spaniel has even started showing up mussed and blear eyed at shoots.
An unidentified Sushi-Siam spokescanine told us, "If we wanted a look like that, we would have hired Kate Moss."
(Developing....)
Your picture of Lily is hallarious!
Hi, Syndey,
I'm still willing to be your friend, but I'm also still sick. My vet is treating me with Pepto-Bismol, and I'm not allowed to have anything to eat until tomorrow morning, which is ratty.
He thinks some medicine I had disagreed with me, but my guardian is worried because I ate some candy I shouldn't have had, along with a goose feather, yesterday.
I've also been eating a lot of breath-enhancing goose poop in the park.
Well, my tummy is better tonight, but I am HUNGRY....and the cats are looking better by the minute.
Hope to see you soon, Syndey, and everybody else.
Love and licks.....poor little LuLu~
Sympathetic postings would be nice...and flowers even nicer....
Lulku, I hope you feel better soon. Its sad when I don't get to see you at the park :-(
Spencer and Syndey,
Thank you both so much for thinking of me...and Happy Birthday to your human, Sydney.
I am feeling somewhat better today, and my guardian finally broke out some food, but not much, and I'm still getting Pepto-Bismol, which tastes really vile.
Today doesn't look too good for the park at all, and I'm feeling sad and lonely. Guess I'll go looking for one of the cats and jump on it.
The one cat can beat me up, though. (Sigh) Oh, well.....
How do you get the dogs to roll over and things? My dogs won't pose for me.
Cathy,
Some dogs are just natural hams.
While others are unnatural hams.
You might be able to work wonders by offering each a slice of ham.
The Eye On The Park:
TEOTP must sadly report a tragedy of sorts tonight. Shamus O'Possum -- author, lecturer, self-styled revolutionary, kidnap victim, former fiance of Dixie Cavalier (AKA the Asp), and probable winner of the Most-Accident-Prone-Marsupial-of-the-Century award, is missing and presumed dead somewhere in the Andes Mountains.
Spokespersons for Aero Snail Mail say they doubt Mr. O'Possum ever actually reached Bogota, where the plane made its usual crash landing.
"We couldn't find his cage under the mailbags and other junk in the cargo hold when we landed," said an unidentified ASM employee.
"We figure maybe the little guy just fell out when the plane hit some turbulence over the Andes. The duct tape holding the door closed came loose, and that was probably when it happened."
Mr. O'Possum left Lincoln Park for Colombia several days ago in an effort to track down Chico the Chihuahua, who recently ran off to Bogota to become the next Juan Valdez. Mr. O'Possum believed that Chico was responsible for stealing the original manuscript of his new book, "From the Dog Pile," although why on earth he'd want it is anybody's guess.
After harassing just about everybody we could get hold of at a very nice British dog park outside of London this afternoon, TEOTP was finally able to get in touch with the Asp.
"How does it feel to know that somebody you once loved is probably lying dead on top of a mountain tonight?" we asked her. "To know that when Shamus fell from the plane, he was all alone. There was no one around to hear his pitiful last screams."
"Do you know if he was paid up on his life insurance policy, and if so, who he listed as beneficiary?" she asked us.
We told her we didn't know.
She hung up.
We next contacted Mr. O'Possum's landlord, Binky the squirrel.
"Life insurance policy?" he said. "I didn't know Shamus had a life insurance policy. Ya know he owes me four -- make that SIX months rent. I sure hope I'm the beneficiary instead of that greedy bitch he was engaged to."
Hmmm. Amazing when you think about it, how one marsupial's life affects so many others....
Oh, to hell with it.
The Eye On The Park:
TEOTP wants to wish our boss, LuLu the beagle, a speedy recovery from her recent illness.
We love you, boss, and are looking forward to getting our paychecks next week~
Shamus is my favroite character, and I'm hoping you will reincarnate him.
The Eye On The Park:
LuLu the beagle was seen in the park late this afternoon, looking fit and frisky despite her recent illness.
"LuLu and Prince Paco haven't been getting along," barked an unnamed source through our pet door. "He'd rather run the government without her."
(Well, we're sorry, Muffin, but we're not going to pay you for something we've already reported on!)
Madcap socialite Miss Gracie the shih-tzu is of a different mindset. "I think LuLu's pining for Rockie," said GST, better known as the "Paris Hilton of Lincoln Park."
"She tells me that her appetite's fine, but I know she hasn't been sleeping well -- and she keeps an old chew toy of the Rockman's under her pillow. No brainteaser there!"
Word is that the beautiful beagle hasn't heard from her beloved in about a week now, and a few days ago she was spied reading a dog-eared copy of "Wuthering Heights."
"I thought LuLu seemed fine," opined coy cocker "Baby" Belle, while frolicking with sassy Syndey, Moxie's blue-eyed sweetheart.
"Yeah," agreed Syd, "she was chewing sticks and sniffing lampposts with the best of us."
But Rhodesian Ridgeback Samson felt differently. "I thought she seemed tense and a little desperate," he said. "But that's the name of your blog, right? It's LuLu's Desperate House Dogs."
Uh-huh. (Still wondering why YOU wound up going home alone, Sam?)
"Love stinks," concluded Miss Gracie. "I'm so glad I decided long ago to share myself with no one."
Hmmm. Words to live by, perhaps? I mean, it beats breaking out the Jose Cuervo and high-fat kibble after three weeks without a date, no?
I like Shamus too. He is nebbishy and silly but at heart he means well. Please don't kill him off.
A goose feather. Lulu why you eating goose feathers? I'm just glad you're feeling better. Was also glad you heard from your heart-throb Rockie about a wk. ago.
In another LDHD blog thread, I told of running into Shamus as I was heading to South America for alternative medical treatments. There, I mentioned what MIGHT have happened to him :)
Would you like to kill off Ken?
What'd you have in mind, Yogi?
We hear "Lulu" won her certificate in marksmanship....
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