Bogota or bust? Bumbles and the boys follow Chico the Chihuahua to Colombia. (Photo by J.M. Hilton) Story under "comments"~
posted by LuLu @ 10:34 PM
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
Friday, June 02, 2006
Bogota or bust? Bumbles and the boys follow Chico the Chihuahua to Colombia. (Photo by J.M. Hilton) Story under "comments"~
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
About Me
- Name: LuLu
I am a single five-year-old female Beagle, shown here by myself, while my mix-up of a sister sings the praises of mutts on my blog. Well, let her. I have a most intriguing (one might even say lascivious) past, at least according to my autobiography. In a former lifetime I was Queen Elizabeth the Ist of England, and later on (among others) I was Nell Gwynn, Pauline Borghese, Louise Brooks, and eventually just lovable, neurotic, adorable ME. I have a perfectly charming, albeit very annoying, sister named Sadie. She's rarely plagued by conscience, possibly because she's a Sagittarius. To date she has attempted to steal most of my boyfriends, meaning we're quite used to fighting over bones. Sadie and I are the same age, although she's the adopted one. We do have a fair amount of things in common. For example, she was once Mary Queen of Scots, and later on both Barbara Villiers and Marlene Dietrich. Amazingly we get along -- at least when we're before the public~
Previous Posts
- Author Shamus O'Possum also leaves the country, on...
- The Story thus far...
- Lily is happier times...just after cosmetic surger...
- Meanwhile, Spencer signs off on Lincoln Park and o...
- Morey the mutt has a werewolf for an owner and mor...
- The Story Thus Far...
- Is the nightmare finally over for Lily? (Photo by ...
- "Cluzo can't tell his tail from a feather duster!"...
- Annoying author Shamus O'Possum has also vanished ...
- Weird "Lily" body-double stuffed toy showed up on ...
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The Eye On The Park:
This just in!!
Bumbles the pug, along with Tramp the pug, the coyotes Rush and Randhi, and Spunquito the Chihuahua, are all leaving tonight for Bogota, Colombia, to track down Chico the Chihuahau, their former partner in Diz Temper Productions, who left yesterday for Colombia to become the next Juan Valdez.
"That bum took most of our money with him," snarled Bumbles, "and we're going to get it back if we have to bite off his tail to get it."
"We deplore violence," rebutted Tramp. "Chico made a mistake. We can work this out."
"Yeah, yeah," conceded Rush and Randhi, flashing a little fang. "We need to be gentle and caring -- kind of like Britney Spears with her kid."
Spunquito shook his tiny head. "Chico eez confused," he said, "but Juan Valdez's mule eez kind of cute."
(Developing....)
In other park news:
Missing Interpup inspector, Snots Cluzo, was found alive and reeking in Wheeling, West Virginia, earlier today. Inspector Cluzo, who was captured by a small band of marauding feral cats while sniffing out bogus clues during the Lily Gate investigation, was later enslaved by an amorous skunk named Jasmine.
The inspector attempted to make a brief appearance on the Larry King Charles Spaniel show this evening, but seconds later, the studio had to be evacuated.
(Told you, Cluzie! Those bedroom eyes of yours finally got you into deep doo-doo. Hope the tomato juice works....)
Bobo? Is it Bobo?
Bobo? The dog is Cairo from the Maltese Falcon!
It's BoW.
As in "wow"?
The Eye On The Park:
TEOTP has learned that Lily the spaniel, a top-earning superstar dog-food can model of the late 1990s, is off to Japan to pose in a whale meat commercial for Sushi-Siam Dog Chow.
"It's a big moment for her," said Lily's aunt, eccentric psychic Madame Spirea, who is accompanying the sweet-faced cavalier to Tokyo.
"It is a big moment for me, but I can't help but think about my crate mate Spencer," admitted Lily, seconds before her aunt nipped her on the hip.
"A handsome Akita by your side and some sake in your kibble will get you over that mutt," promised Madame S., with a tail slap for good measure.
"I don't understand Saki," wailed Lily. "I'm not a reader."
Huh? What? But Lily, a celebrity model, actually knows that a guy named Saki was a writer? Be still our pounding puppy hearts!
"As the man once wrote: 'A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation,'" commented Madame S., shoving Lily aboard the Sushi-Siam company plane, which left us in its windy wake mere minutes later.
(Not only are we not sure what Madame Spirea meant, we haven't got a clue if there's anything to develop here.)
The Eye On The Park:
This just in!!
Shamus O'Possum -- author, revolutionary, lecturer, and former fiance of exile Dixie Cavalier (AKA the Asp) is on his way to Bogota, Colombia, tonight in hopes of catching up with Chico the Chihuahua, a dog who not only swiped a pooper-scooper load of money from his partners at Diz Temper productions -- but according to O'Possum: "The littleTequila worm also stole my manuscript!"
"You don't mean the original manuscript of 'From the Dog Pile'?" asked one of our reporters, gasping.
(The poor dear has asthma.)
"The very same," he snarled, "and I want it back!"
TEOTP chewed the fat with the peeved possum shortly after interviewing Lily the spaniel (and almost getting run over by a fancy corporate jet, no less.)
O'Possum had just managed to secure a ticket on board Aero Snail Mail, which carries mail and freight to the Andes Mountains... on a good day.
"Wish me luck!" called out the accident prone marsupial as his cage was tossed into the cargo hold.
As Aero Snail Mail taxied slowly down the runway, Binky the squirrel, Mr. O'Possum's landlord, showed up.
"Where is that pouch-born pile of garbage?" demanded Binky. "He owes me two months rent."
As Aero Snail Mail limped skyward, we spat out the fat we'd been chewing on, and silently wished Marsupial Man buena suerte.
(Developing...while taking bets. High mountains, those Andes.....)
The Andes has got shrew possums and they are killers. Shamus is going to be in trouble when he gets down there.
Remember me. Well . . .
Can I go? huh? huh? I may be little, but I took on a possum in my backyard. Had the big snarly teethed, hissing varmint cornered (till my caretake very carefully picked me up and carried me away). But I can take on any ole possum. Esp. with Chico and Spunk and the pugs, we can run 'em out the country. We're small but mighty.
Wow. Shrew possums and more dogs on his tail? Sounds about right for Shamus O'Possum, who rarely has an easy time schlumping his way through life. I think even my guardian is starting to feel sorry for the much-put-upon marsupial, though. Jeepers! Even his fiancee, that nasty little piece of work better known as the Asp, tried to have him murdered. Bad luck tends to hound Shamus, in a manner of speaking....
Lulu,
Where in the Andes?
The Eye On The Park:
Lily the spaniel (AKA the summer queen of Lincoln Park) spoke with a TEOTP reporter for all of five minutes this morning from the outta-sight (both in luxury and price) Regal Hotel in Tokyo, where the once famous international dog-food can model has a room about the size of Alaska.
"I miss my home," she mumbled, sounding fuzzier than a lint brush.
HUH? Is she kidding, or what?
"Lily is suffering from jet lag," explained her aunt, eccentric psychic Madame Spirea, from an extension phone. "Now hang up, Lily; the limo is here."
"And I miss Spencer," the beautiful model blurted before the line went dead.
Lordie Lassie! All we can say is that some bitches obviously don't know when they've got it seriously made in the shade.
In other park news:
TEOTP has learned that a cute (and we mean Brad Pitt back in his Thelma-&-Louise days cute) cavapoo puppy, with an oddly familiar fluff to his coat, has arrived in Lincoln Park to look for his mother.
A couple of old dogs have volunteered their services -- and you ought to be ashamed of yourselves, Bubbles and Zena! You're both over ten and are acting sillier than Jody Foster trying to play hip by quoting Eminem.
But we digress. LuLu the beagle, ever the helpful little tart, rolled over and did a Demi-Moore for the kid this afternoon. She found out all he knows about his mom is that she's someone beautiful and famous. Hmmmm. Well, obviously he got that photogenic bone structure of his from highly refined genes.
"Maybe he's, like, LuLu's puppy?" suggested our latest intern.
Oh, sure. (Where DO they find these mutts?) "The pup is a CAVAPOO," we told her. "He's half cavalier and half poodle."
"But he doesn't wear a feather in his cap," she pointed out inanely -- right before we attacked her en masse and sent her yelping down the street with her dreams of a future Puli-tzer torn and shattered.
(Developing...and enjoying it tremendously...)
The Eye On The Park:
This just in!!
An assistant of an assistant's assistant of an assistant of Prince Regent Paco de Shepherd whispered through a pet door tonight that Spencer the spaniel has permanently resigned his position as summer king of Lincoln Park, and signed on with Hollywood uber agent Gwendolyn Monk.
According to one of Ms. Monk's assistants (doesn't ANYBODY speak for themselves these days?), the cross-dressing Mr. Spencer (formerly known as His Majesty), hopes to try out for the role of Karen in the upcoming remake of the classic canine film, "From Dog Dancing to Eternity." Deborah Cur played Karen in the original Golden Milk-Bone winning motion picture.
(Definitely developing. And Lily misses THIS guy?)
Oh!Oh! Lily's puppy is the darlingest thing. He resembles her to a tee. How many borhters and sisters does he have?
Little Moxie isn't really Lily's puppy! It's just part of the story. His parents would take umbrage!
The Eye On The Park:
Did we forget to mention that the young-hunk-to-die-for is named Mox (from "Moxie")?
Well, he is.
Punkin,
Where in the Andes do you want it to be?
What is wrong with Lily? She looks ill and tired, and she has had puppies? She should have been fixed years ago! I hope this is a joke.
Lily is a mother too? Is this a baby boom? Hi, Punkin!
Hi Karen, Its me Lily. I'm fine. I just woke up when my dad took that picture. Remember this blog is make;believe
Lily doesn't look ill! She's an actress!Her puppy is going to be as cute as she is. Wait and see!
Lily had it right when she said the blog is make-believe.
Hello, earth?
Kool kid. If it moos like a cow and chews like a cow, it is a cow. Max is Lily's puppy.
They said the same thing about Prince Harry and James Hewitt.
Lulu's puppee is cuer then she is.
The Eye On The Park:
TEOTP learned tonight that Archie the cat has purchased newly formed Diz Temper Productions from the somewhat ragtail team of Bumbles and Tramp, the pugs; Spunquito and Chico, the Chihuahuas, and Rush and Randhi, the coyotes, for a lump sum of twelve million bowsers.
Not bad, we say, for a tabby who signed on as a nonunion mouser for the company only last week.
"My dear wife came up with the money," Archie told us. "She is very thrifty, you see?"
Not really, but we'll sort of take his word for it.
Archie's wife, Tabitha the cat, recently gave birth to eight adorable kittens: Buffy, Cuffy, Duffy, Enuffy, Fluffy, Huffy, Muffy, and Teflon.
I guess for now on, we'll be referring to them as the "cat heirs apparent"?
When a TEOTP reporter showed up at Diz Temper Productions with one of our photographers, both were promptly given the boot by two hefty gunsels disguised as pussycats.
"No cameras!" they were told.
No cameras? At a production company?! A joke, right?"
"Not if those cat scratches turn septic," whined our mutt of a reporter, "and this crapo job doesn't offer health insurance."
Yeah, yeah. Just be glad you've got Alpo to put in your bowl, babe.
(Not developing...)
Yup, yup. To quote actress Betty White: "(They're) cuter than an inner uterine.
The Eye On The Park:
This just in!!
According to unnamed (and unsung) sources, Mox the cavapoo puppy, is currently living under the same roof as LuLu the beagle.
Wow. That bitch is faster than a greyhound on greased roller blades!
LuLu, of course, is the unofficial consort (and in-your-muzzle mistress) of Rockie the Lab, the hunky guy who's the real king of Lincoln Park. And he's going to love hearing about Moxie.
Lovely LuLu, who is also the hostess of this blog -- which means we're not going to bite her too badly, since our jobs could be on the line -- will be two years old in August, we're told. As for Mox? Word has it he's around two months.
OK, OK...so we can't bark Mary Kay LeTourneau here, but it's still pupophilia or something, isn't it?
Time to come home from your western crusade, Rockie! Otherwise, La Lu may be sporting another tattoo slightly above her, ahem, "privates."
(And you can bet your Zanies we're going to be developing this one...)
Alright, Lily, honey. We're still concerned about you. Where did the puppy come from?
Karen, you truthfully don't know where the puppy came from?
She got impreggnated by a stork.
Hi, Karen,
This time it's LuLu. Please take it from me that Lily is OK, and Mox, the cute puppy, is not hers.
He belongs to a neighbor of mine, and I'm not sure his parents even live in this state.
By the way, we know you'll enjoy Lily Fest, which is coming up on June 18th, Lily's birthday~
That pup is Lily's. All us have to do is look at them.
The Eye On The Park:
In a brief (they're always brief) interview this afternoon, Prince Regent Paco de Shepherd announced that Lord (General) Mondo Simba has moved back to Lincoln Park and been given command of our army, such as it is, which is pretty much in chaos.
The popular general was cheered by the entire corps -- canine and non-domesticates alike -- when he broke into a sudden tap dance and sang "My Way" while reviewing the troops.
"Will Dixie Cavalier, also known as the Asp, be joining General Simba any time soon?" a TEOTP reporter asked the prince, who replied that the general could answer the question himself.
Our reporter then turned around and asked the general, "Will Dixie Cavalier, also known as the Asp, be joining the general any time soon?"
"No," came the curt reply. "Not at the present time. But how do you think I'll do on 'American Idol'?"
We're guessing the general needs to keep his day job, and we're also guessing that a certain fetching little spaniel just might have been dumped.
Tossed aside like Fulvia for Cleopatra? Dropped like Catherine of Aragon for Anne Boleyn? Kicked off the curb like Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie?
"Oh, for the love of Fido!" declared socialite and court habitue Miss Gracie the shih-tzu.
"What doggy cart full of turnips did you fall off of? The Asp has merely flown off to Europe to do some shopping. Her naked ambition tour will resume in the fall."
"Not if I can help it," grumbled LuLu the beagle, who keeps herself on the tightest of tethers whenever Ms. Cavalier is around.
Unfortunately, when our reporter asked LuLu to clarify her grumble, she lost her temper and went for the unfortunate intern's throat.
"LuLu has been under a lot of stress of late," said a spokescanine (one of Dacia the schnauzer's minions) moments later.
"She has a new book coming out in the fall, and her sex life isn't what it used to be."
That's not what we hear.
Anyway, our hapless reporter was treated for minor lacerations at the local animal ER, and shortly thereafter received a sound beating at the paws of our senior editor.
(Developing....)
For Immediate Release:
Hi, everybody, my name is Mox, and I'm a cavapoo puppy who just arrived in town to look for my rich and famous bio mother.
Meanwhile, I've been befriended by a really nice beagle named LuLu, who is taking all sorts of flak because of it.
Well, here's the skinny: LuLu is innocent. We're not sleeping together! The truth is, I've met a girl closer to my own age and I'm sending you her picture.
Awesome, isn't she? Her name is Sydney, like in Australia, which makes sense, since she's an Australian shepherd.
And just so you'll know, I'm not sleeping with Sydney, either, although I sure wouldn't mind it.
Yours sincerely,
Mox
You've chosen a beautiful girl, Moxie. I luv huskies and aussies because of those blue eyes.
LaJohnna, do you mean that Ken (Kenny) could be anybody on the blog? Punkin? Firbawl?
Yes.
Hi Karen, its me Lily again. I hope you're not Kenny!
Hi, Sydney.
We agree that you're a very pretty girl, and we love those eyelashes. We've got a feeling you're going to make a lot of new friends in the park this summer -- and most of them are likely to be male~
Uh, Jo....
If Ken is really Karen, or Punkin, etc., we can't cut him off. I'm not saying "they" are our entire readership, but with the exception of Ken, they appear to be the literate ones~
Lily honey,
Who is Kenny? Is this another one of Lulu's jokes?
Karen,
No. Kenny is a person who posts a lot of barely intelligible messages on our blog, and we've just found out he evidently does this on other blogs, under various names, to boot.
Of course, our blog's pretty unintelligible anyway, so you probably never noticed~
Too bad Ken has such a commanding presence.
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