Annoying author Shamus O'Possum has also vanished and Interpup has taken over the investigation. (Cartoon by A.G. Oscard) Story under "comments"
posted by LuLu @ 10:59 PM
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Annoying author Shamus O'Possum has also vanished and Interpup has taken over the investigation. (Cartoon by A.G. Oscard) Story under "comments"
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
About Me
- Name: LuLu
I am a single five-year-old female Beagle, shown here by myself, while my mix-up of a sister sings the praises of mutts on my blog. Well, let her. I have a most intriguing (one might even say lascivious) past, at least according to my autobiography. In a former lifetime I was Queen Elizabeth the Ist of England, and later on (among others) I was Nell Gwynn, Pauline Borghese, Louise Brooks, and eventually just lovable, neurotic, adorable ME. I have a perfectly charming, albeit very annoying, sister named Sadie. She's rarely plagued by conscience, possibly because she's a Sagittarius. To date she has attempted to steal most of my boyfriends, meaning we're quite used to fighting over bones. Sadie and I are the same age, although she's the adopted one. We do have a fair amount of things in common. For example, she was once Mary Queen of Scots, and later on both Barbara Villiers and Marlene Dietrich. Amazingly we get along -- at least when we're before the public~
Previous Posts
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The Eye On The Park:
TEOTP learned today that Shamus O'Possum, self-styled revolutionary, really lousy author, and annoying social activist, has gone missing.
"He hasn't been home for at least two nights, I can tell you that much," said his landlord, Binky the squirrel, who reported him missing. "He never has a date, so he's always home nights. This is odd, I tell ya. Really odd."
Mr. O'Possum was last seen on Wednesday or Thursday, arguing with his publisher after a poorly attended book signing over in the park.
"He kept trying to soak me for money," said Lester Lemming, of Rodent House Books. "The thing is, Shamus just doesn't write what sells. He convinced us he was Norman Mailer -- you know. But today Chick Lit is the hot ticket. That and good soft porn. LuLu the beagle keeps a generation of young bitches licking their chops with
her 'Puppies in Lust' series...but Shamus? Well, what can I say?"
TEOTP attempted to get in touch with Mr. O'Possum's former fiancee, Dixie Cavalier, also known as the Asp, but were informed by her answering machine to contact the offices of her lawyer, Dacia the schnauzer.
The Lincoln Park Police say they have no leads in the case tonight.
In other park news:
A life-sized stuffed toy dog was hurled through a window at Prince Regent Paco de Shepherd's office late this afternoon, alarming his staff and slightly surprising the prince.
According to a source close to a better source, there was a note pinned to the toy, with the words "LuLu's Next" scrawled on it.
Next for what? That is the question!
The cute toy dog was blindfolded and bound with ropes. (Really silly, huh?) After being tested for explosive devices, anthrax, worms, and fleas, the toy was handed over to one of Prince Paco's assistant assistants, who placed it on her desk and named it 'Buddy.'
Now, are we talking about a weird story, or what?
Jeesh!
(Developing.....)
Could the dog in bondage have to do with Loo's book series?
No. "Puppies in Lust" is not about bondage. A tightly yanked tether, perhaps, or the occasional unsnapped harness -- but not bondage!
Lulu writes porn?
The Eye On The Park:
A shocking development tonight! Lily the spaniel, crate mate of King Spencer, and summer Queen of Lincoln Park, has been abducted from the Betty Ford Annex for Smacked-out Spaniels by persons or canines unknown.
"I padded into her room at a reasonable hour this morning," confided Lily's eccentric aunt, Madame Spirea, in a phone interview. "Her bed was a mess as usual, but instead of Lily, I found an unused roll of duct tape and a couple of curtain ropes. Pinned to her pillow was the photograph I later gave to Interpup."
Was there a note? TEOTP wanted to know. How about a note?
"There was no note," insisted Madame Spirea -- who, in our opinion, just might be a lying old bat.
"It's highly possible that Lily was abducted by extraterrestrials," said Inspector Snots Cluzo of Interpup. "We found what looks to be a crop circle not far from here, and several other patients recently reported seeing what they thought were either glowing flying saucers or illuminated Frisbees."
"Yeah, yeah," responded Madame Spirea. "Since when do space aliens use blindfolds and duct tape? This inspector's got his snout up his short hairs."
"We will find these persons or canines unknown and prosecute them even if they are extraterrestrials," vowed the basso-produndo voiced inspector, who sounded to several of our reporters like a real hottie, except, of course, for his name.
SNOTS?
"It's actually 'Schnutz' -- but canines in this country can't pronounce it," he told a swooning shih tzu and a tittering terrier who were on our office speaker phone together.
Meanwhile, Prince Regent Paco de Shepherd, and his able assistant, LuLu the beagle, expressed deep regret regarding the sad situation.
"Lily is my bestest friend ever," said LuLu, "and the thought of her being probed by aliens just makes me want to hurl. What a rotten shame!"
"I have, of course, called up the army air corps once again to keep an eye on the skies, and our police dogs are on full alert," Prince Paco told TEOTP, "but Lily's abduction happened in California -- meaning it's Schwarzenegger's problem -- his and Interpup's."
Prince Paco stated further that he was was "not happy" about Interpup's intrusion into the local investigation of annoying author Shamus O'Possum's disappearance.
"I doubt there's any link to Lily there, and since I'm a purebred police dog, I intuitively know these things," he said.
Meaning that Interpup is basically a pain in the tush?
"Misquote me again, and I'll bite you," he growled, while smiling benignly.
(Not only are we developing this story -- we hope to get a free trip to California out of it!)
Schnutz, eh?
No, Jo, LuLu does not write porn. She writes soft porn. It's sort of Jane Austen with a twist.
Lily is going Art Bell?
And we know it's Basso-PROFUNDO!!
It gets late, canines, and we make typos.
Don't tell me the Asp is responsible?
Where is Rockie when he's needed?
No fair! I wasn't asked to be king of Lincoln Park.
Could Lily have been carried off by alligators? Oh, sorry!
Is anyone offering a reward, such as a lifetime's worth of giant milkbones, for information leading to her safe return?
The Eye On The Park:
TEOTP today interviewed Interpup inspector Snots Cluzo, who was in Lincoln Park to annoy Prince Regent Paco de Shepherd, and also to question locals about the recent abduction of Queen Lily the spaniel and the disappearance of marsupial menace Shamus O'Possum.
"Have you made any progress?" TEOTP asked the boom-box voiced inspector.
"No, but we did clear up one mystery," he said. "We discovered the real name of the toy dog that was tossed through Prince Paco's window -- the toy his aide has named Buddy."
"What is the toy's name?" we asked, scooting toward the edge of the seats we're not allowed up on.
"It's Millie," replied the inspector, a smug smile playing across his lips, while a dim light flickered in his round dark eyes.
And how did he find this out?
"There's a tag on the toy, and it reads MILLIE," he told us.
Oh? Uh-Huh.
We later received an email from Lily's eccentric aunt, Madame Spirea, telling us -- "Take care! This inspector is not exactly MENSA Club material, although he might not make a bad presidential candidate."
Yeah, well, like we couldn't figure that one out! But he is cute, has a great voice, and doesn't appear to have fleas or the mange...and frankly some of us bitches don't get out much!
Inspector Cluzo further informed us he had already questioned Dixie Cavalier, also known as the Asp; sexy former showgirl Lola the shih tzu; socialite (and Paris Hilton look-alike) Miss Gracie; hot number Belle the cocker, and tattoo-flashing LuLu the beagle (the shameless slut!)regarding Lily's abduction.
"I will wish to question all of them over again tomorrow," he said, "regarding the disappearance of what's-his-name...the raccoon."
"Opossum," we corrected.
"No," he said, his expression blank and unreadable, "my name is Cluzo."
In other park news:
Lola the shih tzu has informed us that she may drop her breach-of-promise suit against General (Lord) Mondo Simba, since she's secretely engaged to another handsome army officer, whose name she refused to give us. "He's about to receive orders," she said, "and he has to ditch his current crate mate before we can make it official."
(The shameless slut! Oh, but we already said that. OK.....Developing....)
Lily gets abducted? It must be May sweeps time on the blogs.
And now there's a note!
Please bring Lily back. She wouldn't play with me in the park but I harbor no ill feelings.
The Eye On The Park:
After a brief morning meeting with Nestle the poodle (who's a very nice dog), and legal whiz Dacia the schnauzer (who dresses better than Lassie at the height of her fame), Prince Regent Paco de Shepherd announced that he is offering a $500 gift certificate from the Gilded Paw or Barker&Meowsky in the form of ransom to the dastardly fiends who recently abducted Queen Lily the spaniel.
Further, he's willing to paw out for a free rabies shot to the louts what grabbed Shamus O'Possum.
"While we have complete faith in Interpup and Inspector Cluzo," said the prince, who then barked a good laugh for about two minutes, "we feel we would be remiss if we didn't make every effort to secure the release of one of Lincoln Park's most charming, adored and respected residents -- and at least ask for Shamus' carcass back."
"We need to fortify our borders!" declared coyotes Rush and Randhi in unison. "None of this would have happened if a bunch of unlicensed dogs hadn't been allowed in here -- followed by an army of feral cats!"
"Get names," Prince Paco whispered to an aide, before escorting Nestle, LuLu the beagle, and Dacia the schnauzer back inside.
By the way (and since we can't simply resist telling you), Dacia was wearing a new Dragonfly dog jacket (with a rich silk lining) from the Gilded Paw. LuLu, we suppose, was wearing a new tattoo. (Snort!)
When a reporter from TEOTP pointed out to Rush and Randhi that Lily was abducted in California...and futhermore, that the feral cat army turned out to be one pregnant (and very tame) feline, we were told not to pester them with facts.
Well, call us slimy toads, but when we took note of how well received they were by a large horde of potential readers, we decided to go with the ridgeback's ripple, so to speak.
In related park news:
Inspector Snots Cluzo asked LuLu the beagle and socialite Miss Gracie the shih tzu out for dinner this evening, after having lunch with Belle the cocker. "A busy Interpup inspector's work is never done," he told us. "Besides, I like a pretty muzzle as much as the next hot dog."
In seriously related park news:
What about the date you failed to keep with a certain TEOTP editor, you mange ball!
(Oh, we're for sure going to develop this one!)
Never say I do to a woman who has a tattoo?
I'm another Gilded Paw fan, and I'm delighted to find your site promoting this great store. I will also look into Barker and Meowsky, but the Gilded Paw already gets my vote as one of the best dog shops in the country. Shelby, my Boston Terrier, loves it too.
I've got it! Lily was abducted to the Gilded Paw.
The hosts of LuLu's Desperate House Dogs apologize to our readers for a full-blog breakdown.
We are currently unable to post new pictures, and our server is no help whatsoever.
We ask that you bear with us in this time of trial.
Hmmm. Maybe it really IS aliens.
The Eye On The Park:
It's always something. Tonight LuLu's Desperate House Dogs faces a blog crisis. Meanwhile, Queen Lily remains Dog knows where, Shamus O'Possum has yet to be found, and Interpup inspector, Snots Cluzo, is still putting the paw on every lissome young bitch in the park.
(You WILL get yours, Cluzo!)
For now, we understand that an email, allegedly from Lily the spaniel's abductors, was posted on this blog last night. (Well, really! I mean, like we actually read our postings, right?)
Anyhoo, the kidnappers wrote that they were sending Prince Regent Paco de Shepherd a snip of Lily's hair, which beats a dewclaw wrapped in cotton, we suppose.
In a phone interview this afternoon with Prince Paco's assistant assistant's assistant's aide, we were coldly informed that a snip of hair did indeed arrive at the Prince's office, and DNA tests are being conducted on it.
We will phone back to get the results, AAAA, and if your bark's still as bad as your bite, we will ask to speak with your supervisor.
In further park news:
TEOTP has learned that the hot (and leash-locked) military officer Lola the shih tzu has been seeing is none other than Colonel Mango, a sizzling shar-pei with a nip-'em-and-leave-'em attitude -- and get this: HE'S AT LEAST FOUR MONTHS younger than leggy Lola. ARF, ARF, ARF.
Finally, one of the Iago pugs...and you must remember them...the lads who insisted they were the joint effort (snicker) fathers of LuLu's puggle...was picked up by an air force hawk on the outskirts of Lincoln Park this morning.
"I don't know nothin' about nothin'," the irascible pug told TEOTP. "My real name's not even Iago."
"What is your real name?" asked TEOTP.
"Bumbles," he replied, his head hanging low. And that's the first time we've ever seen a dog blush!
(Developing.....)
I don't understand why Prince Paco is offering money to the crooks? Why not offer it to us bloodhound types who could sniff out the dognappers and save lily.
Oh btw, word has it that King Rockie is really taking it easy on his new royal cushioned bed and has placed himself on a diet to further increase his animal magnetism when he returns.
Sorry, folks, but my column got bounced tonight because of the blog breakdown. Personally, I think it has something to do with the last full moon -- or maybe not.
Anyway, I'll be back next week to tell you about meeting the ghost, or AT LEAST leading up to it.
For now...good-night from Morey, and CHOW~
Sounds like gremlins have abducted Lulu's blog!
Could it be the porn, Lulu?
Everybody, about now I'm willing to believe anything. My guardian and I have been working on the blog for at least four hours...trying to post more of Mike H.'s wonderful pictures.
But we've had no luck whatsoever.
It's got to be spirits, gremlins, aliens -- or a general disturbance in the force!
We did get Mikey Wiseman's pix of his great pug posted. Don't ask me how.
Madame Spirea, are you out there???
By the way, despite our current problems -- I'm glad to read that the love of my life is doing OK.
A post from time to time wouldn't hurt, Rockie, but even if I don't hear from you for three whole months...I promise to be faithful in my fashion.
Love, LuLu
lulu,
Rest easy as no one hears frequently from Rockie and it may even be more infrequent sad to say as time goes on. He is, apparently, vacationing in some faraway land that, believe it or not, has no access to the blog. His careprovider must travel a few miles to get someplace called a library and time is quite limited. I am sure you will hear though as he just arrived at this new place.
I had no trouble posting, LuLu.
Lily?
The red dog is Spencr? It doesn't look like him. Are you fixed now?
That's a great thing to ask on a dog blog, Jean.
I have LIlly!
no I donn't.
I'm glad ken later denied it, because for $500 I was going to say I had her. Collect the money and run. Anyone else game? We could split it.
Let's ask for more than $500, Nestle.
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