"Easter is over, now where is my daughter?" demands former supermodel Lily Hilton, whose adopted daughter Jade Jardine has vanished. (Photo by J.M. Hilton) 
posted by LuLu @ 10:40 PM
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
Sunday, April 08, 2007
"Easter is over, now where is my daughter?" demands former supermodel Lily Hilton, whose adopted daughter Jade Jardine has vanished. (Photo by J.M. Hilton)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
About Me
- Name: LuLu
I am a single five-year-old female Beagle, shown here by myself, while my mix-up of a sister sings the praises of mutts on my blog. Well, let her. I have a most intriguing (one might even say lascivious) past, at least according to my autobiography. In a former lifetime I was Queen Elizabeth the Ist of England, and later on (among others) I was Nell Gwynn, Pauline Borghese, Louise Brooks, and eventually just lovable, neurotic, adorable ME. I have a perfectly charming, albeit very annoying, sister named Sadie. She's rarely plagued by conscience, possibly because she's a Sagittarius. To date she has attempted to steal most of my boyfriends, meaning we're quite used to fighting over bones. Sadie and I are the same age, although she's the adopted one. We do have a fair amount of things in common. For example, she was once Mary Queen of Scots, and later on both Barbara Villiers and Marlene Dietrich. Amazingly we get along -- at least when we're before the public~
Previous Posts
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The Eye On The Park...
Dateline Lincoln Park:
Former supermodel Lily Hilton earlier today made a public request for the return of her adopted daughter Jade Jardine.
"She has been missing for -- uh, how long now?" she asked her business partner Dixie Simba (AKA the Asp) in a quick aside.
"Oh, for kennel's sake, Lily! She's been gone for DAYS."
Lily turned back to the microphones, reporters, cameras, professional mourners, sob sisters, and two stray cats who were protesting enforced neutering.
"My daughter has been missing for DAYS!" she barked. "If anybody out there can understand a mother's anguish, I hope you will at least let me know if you have seen her."
"How old is Jade?" asked a sad-eyed basset with heavier jowls than Michael Moore.
"Old? Uh, I don't think she's a year yet, is she, Dixie?"
"For the love of Dog, Lily! She's YOUR daughter. Since when did I become your litter record keeper?"
"She's not a year yet," Lily arfed uncertainly.
"And what color are her eyes?"
"Eyes?"
"Well, yes," persisted the flop-eared reporter. "Most mammals have them. So do potatoes, but that's not really pertinent. What color are her eyes?"
The Asp scowled at him. "Jade is a Great Dane, Fido. She looks like a typical Great Dane."
"Is she black, fawn, brindle, or harlequin, Dixie?" asked our blog editor, Maggie Cocker.
"WHAT?"
"She's a harlequin," provided Lily. "It says so right on her passport, but that doesn't mean she clowns around." And she laughed at her inane little joke, but nobody else did.
"Is she a grey tiger or a mantel tiger?" Maggie inquired next.
"She's not a cat!" insisted Lily. "She's a Great Dane!"
"Grey tigers and mantel tigers are types of harlequins," Maggie attempted to point out, but the Asp bit her on the hip, and Maggie went for her throat.
"Oh, please!" barked Lily. "Consider a mother's despair. Besides, Jade's picture has been all over the Internet, on TV, and in every newspaper in the country that's not already out of business."
A few of the newspaper reporters turned somber, while their TV counterparts twitched nervously. Only the Internet hounds continued to wag their tails with impudence, while reveling in their smugness.
Story continued below...
Story continued...
"I came here today to offer a two-hundred-thousand bowser reward for Jade's safe return!" Lily yelped. "Just bring her back. No questions asked. Well, maybe a couple if you're former personal friends or onetime employees who have, you know, threatened murder and mayhem before. I'll admit I'm not the easiest spaniel to work for, and I've dated a lot of vengeful mutts..."
"Lily..." cautioned the Asp.
"Oh, all right. Just bring her back," Lily concluded. "If you return her to us unharmed, I'll even throw in my autograph."
Then she fainted, and the mob gasped as one.
Maggie let go of the Asp's ear. "My Dog!" she woofed appreciatively. "Can that bitch work a pack?"
"Lily! Lily! Lily!" the melange of mammals clamored.
Lily's adopted son Digby the demon politely nudged his way through the crush and addressed the ankle-biters who growled and snarled about him.
"This whole thing has been too much for my dear mother," said he. "I know you all worship and adore her because she's rich and beautiful and doesn't live the pathetic dog's life that most of you do. So please stand back and let the para-vets through. We need to get her to her own overpriced but caring veterinarian as soon as possible."
Minutes later, inside an ambulance, Digby patted Lily on the head while pawing her a bowl of dogwood juice to lap.
"I don't really have to see that ass at the clinic, do I?" she asked him.
"Of course not. In fact, he's at an international braying convention in Guadalajara for the weekend. You did a great job, Mother. So did you, Aunt Dixie."
"Well, I'm taking a few weeks off next month to spend some time with my husband," the Asp vowed. "If I ever go missing, I want to make sure Simba can recall the color of my eyes and coat."
Lily shrugged. "Wherever I look, I find mirrors," she said, "and in those mirrors I see myself and nobody else. I'm afraid that's just the way I am."
She lapped some dogwood juice and sighed. "I do wish Auntie Lucinda could be here, though. She has such a steadying paw, I feel."
Digby wagged his tail. "Hmmm. I'm afraid she's busy at the moment, but I'm sure we'll see her soon."
He patted her on the head again and glanced at the date shown on his two-thousand bowser watch.
"I predict this entire matter will be neatly resolved before one more human can declare for the US presidency. Actually, it has to be," he said.
Developing...
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