LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)

LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~

Sunday, March 18, 2007

 "Old spies never die; they just become consultants," according to Sam Ashmead, who ought to know~ (Photo by J.M. Hilton) Posted by Picasa

posted by LuLu @ 11:57 PM 

4 Comments:

Blogger LuLu said...

From the secret files of "Deep Gullet" continued...

"We need to lay our leashes on the table," said Sammy Chan. "Barf up the kibble, as it were."

"Ewww!" squeaked Monica Ferret, Esquire.

"A tad overmuch, dog," agreed Ashmead.

"Really, boy," said Suzy Wong Chan. "Remember your manners!"

But their storm of protest was nipped in the bud. "Jade Jardine is missing," he reminded them, "and before I'm willing to trust any of you, I want to find out exactly where your loyalties lie."

"But how will you know if we're telling the truth?" asked Itza. "We're all trained spies."

The young Pekingese attorney general held up a paw. "If I'm not mistaken, Digby the demon has a rather keen sense of ESP. I'll let him tell me if one of you is lying. Will you do that for me, Digby?"

"Sure," replied the demon. "I'll be happy to sell out almost anyone."

Sammy took a seat next to his grandmother, at the head of the table. "All right," he said. "Let's start with Monica."

"Oh, my," murmured the fashionista ferret, rising to her paws. "Well, my name is Monica and I'm a spy..."

"Cut to the chase!" barked Sammy Chan.

"Uh, all right. I'm working for Archie Catt, who really wants to get out of the Lithuanian pound where he's currently incarcerated --and also for Dacia the Schnauzer, the top dog at the UN."

There were faint barks of approval for the only non-canine in the room, if you didn't count out the demon in his disguise as a brown-and-white spaniel.

Sammy Chan cut his eyes to an old friend. "Marco?"

"Oh, come on. You know me, Sam. I'm working for you. Period."

Digby shook his head. "There's another player."

"OK," Marco grudgingly admitted. "OK, so maybe I've got a deal going with this rich loser named Chico down in South America. He's hiding in the hills with a gang of failed revolutionaries and wants amnesty. He's also in love with Salma Hayek, but that's another story."

Digby nodded.

"Spencer?"

"I suppose there's no taking the Fifth -- or the sixth or the seventh?" asked the handsome red-haired dog. "I've been through a lot in the past year, you know? I've even developed a gold-lame fetish because of my work."

"Come on, Spencer, walk the walk."

Spencer got out of his chair and did a two-paw shuffle across the room. "I'm better with music."

"Who are you working for?"

"The C-Team," he answered after a quick pirouette. "It's always been the C-Team." He glanced over at Marco. "The C-Team has your boy Chico stuck up in those hills in Amazon country, hombre. Good luck with your amnesty plans."

Digby nodded.

"The C-Team's still around?" arfed Marco. "I thought they disbanded back in the last century after George Pomeranian died."

"He only died in the ratings," insisted Spencer. "Our boy's still out there...somewhere."

Story continued below...

2:51 AM  
Blogger LuLu said...

Story continued...

"Ashmead?" barked out Sammy Chan.

"Oh, let me think a moment," said the big Golden Retriever. "Aside from being a fulltime barkeep these days, I keep busy with crossword puzzles, and I do an occasional whack job for the CIA. It's hard to let go once you've had a taste of the Skull-and-Bones blood-and-bone-meal wafer, you know? I've also done a little consulting work for '24.'"

Digby nodded.

"Itza?"

"Well, this little piggy went to market, too. I'm hoping to open a lovely vegetarian restaurant here in Lincoln Park, but I'm also doing a bit of work for the TV spy shows. I'm just dying to put a nuclear device in a spicy butternut squash, but the producers tell me they think the idea's tripe."

Digby nodded, and Itza glared at him.

"Old spies never die," commented Ashmead philosophically. "They just become consultants."

A collective sigh went up from the group.

Sammy Chan ignored it. "Grandmother?"

"I enjoy raising rare orchids," she said, "along with fly-fishing, parachuting with a group called the Flying Dragons, breaking wild stallions, and meddling. I'm trying to find the right girl for my grandson. It may become a fulltime occupation."

Digby looked suprised. "I'm not getting anything," he told Sammy. "She's managing to block me."

Mrs. Chan wagged her tail and smiled. "You're a good spy-catcher, Digby dear, but you're no James Angleton."

Sammy frowned. "I don't have time to play games with you, Grandmother. By the way, I've asked Chewy to leash-lock with me tomorrow."

Mrs. Chan yelped.

Digby nodded. "Looks like she's telling the truth -- but YOU aren't."

Gnipoleved...

3:11 AM  
Blogger LuLu said...

The Eye on the Park...

Dateline Lincoln Park:

Spring has finally arrived in Lincoln Park, and the barkerati were out in force this afternoon, sniffing the air and chasing fat park squirrels -- most of whom really need to drop a few ounces and work on their muscle tone, after indulging themselves on popcorn, nutmeat, and dropped cookies throughout the winter months.

Glamorous Lily Hilton and newcomer Suzy Wong Chan showed up in competing Happy Trails pet strollers -- Lily's was pink, Suzy's was coral.

A genial pig named Itza Hogg pushed Suzy's stroller; a demon named Digby guided Lily's. The former supermodel and the grandmother of our tail-wagging hot attorney general acknowledged one another with brief barks, but nobody got out and sniffed.

Hmmm. Was that a definite chill we felt in the air, or was Suzy displeased to see Chewy Maltese, her grandson's official squeak toy, trotting alongside Digby? Come to think about it, what WAS Chewy doing with Digby? Especially while adorable whiz kid Sammy Chan was nowhere to be seen.

"Sammy works too hard," Chewy informed us, while bedroom-eying Digby and licking her chops.

Uh-ho.

"And where is your lovely adopted daughter, Jade Jardine?" we asked Lily, who suddenly went all Trudie Styler on us and just about snapped our ears off.

Story continued below...

2:44 AM  
Blogger LuLu said...

Story continued...

"Jade is out of town for a few days," said Digby, proving once again that a belief in diversity and tolerance toward others is a good thing, we guess.

Why, for centuries the word went down that demons from hell were, well, horrid -- but Digby makes Knut the polar bear cub look vicious. We still give Sammy Chan the edge on cuteness, but Digby definitely takes it on charm.

And from the smoldering looks he was getting from Chewy, we hope he's able to manifest some devilish action in the grass. That girl needs more than a swift exorcism, if you catch our drift.

Moving on, we saw Lady Dixie (AKA the Asp) Simba parading around with her husband again. (You'd think he was her lover. It's shocking!) "What's going on?" we asked the Asp. "Has his lordship taken out a larger insurance policy?"

The Asp, whose bark is usually as good as her bite, ignored us.

Private detective Belle the Cocker was also in town, along with her hopeless partner, former Interpup inspector, Snots Cluzo. She looked cute and stylish with a new short haircut; he still looked clueless.

Spencer Hilton showed up with Monica Ferret, Esquire, who is barked to be handling his divorce from fugitive chipmunk, Gwendolyn Monk, whose whereabouts are currently unknown. Monica looked very chic in a bright spring outfit from the Lush Puppy of Las Vegas, but Spencer had eyes only for his ex, who rolled right past him and never even arfed.

"Sit and listen," he told us. "I've had it with the cross-species thing. Granted, a ferret might be a paw up from a chipmunk, but my heart belongs to the bitch I bopped and left behind me."

Appearing to be pretty much in the same pen were Moxie the Cavapoo, heir to the fabled Rothschild and Roquefort fortune -- not to mention a yummy title, and our own King Rockie, both of whom seemed to be pining for a couple of former love-bunny bitches themselves.

King Rockie's erstwhile sweetie, LuLu the Beagle, was rolling in the grass with Chester Samoyed, owner of the new four dog-tag restaurant, Chester's Gulag -- while Moxie's onetime fave, Bleu Girl, who is LuLu's little sister, was padding along beside up-and-coming Aussie Shepherd howler, Young Blue Eyes.

"Feeling blue about Bleu?" we asked cutie Mox, who merely sighed and turned away. Since word is out that his mother, Lily Hilton, continues to reject him, we decided to let up on the choke collar, and instead turned our intrusive sniffing out on His Majesty.

"Who's warming the royal pen these days?" we asked impertinently.

"I am," the king responded tersely. "I have a lot more on my mind than romance."

Well, pardon us while we gag on a few spring rabbit turds. The fact is, Your Majesty, we make our living getting sued for libel. We Yellow Dog Journalists are good for the economy.

At least that's our excuse.

Developing?

Nah -- we'd rather roll in the grass.

3:07 AM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home