Sammy Chan's grandmother adds some unwelcome stress to his life. (Photo by J.M. Hilton) 
posted by LuLu @ 10:43 PM
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Sammy Chan's grandmother adds some unwelcome stress to his life. (Photo by J.M. Hilton)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
About Me
- Name: LuLu
I am a single five-year-old female Beagle, shown here by myself, while my mix-up of a sister sings the praises of mutts on my blog. Well, let her. I have a most intriguing (one might even say lascivious) past, at least according to my autobiography. In a former lifetime I was Queen Elizabeth the Ist of England, and later on (among others) I was Nell Gwynn, Pauline Borghese, Louise Brooks, and eventually just lovable, neurotic, adorable ME. I have a perfectly charming, albeit very annoying, sister named Sadie. She's rarely plagued by conscience, possibly because she's a Sagittarius. To date she has attempted to steal most of my boyfriends, meaning we're quite used to fighting over bones. Sadie and I are the same age, although she's the adopted one. We do have a fair amount of things in common. For example, she was once Mary Queen of Scots, and later on both Barbara Villiers and Marlene Dietrich. Amazingly we get along -- at least when we're before the public~
Previous Posts
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- ...but will Senator Paco be joining her? (Photo b...
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From the Confidential Files of Attorney General Sammy Chan:
Here I am working late again.
"It's all you ever do!" complains Chewy, the prettiest little Maltese ever to set paw in Lincoln Park.
The problem is, she's absolutely right.
Glancing at the digital clock on my desk, I see that it is two minutes after midnight, and as expected, I hear a sharp bark outside the window.
"Come on in, Marco! You're right on time, naturally."
Marco's dog tags jangle as he hops through the window. Marco collects dog tags. This year Lincoln Park's color is red, so the wily mutt has been wearing an expired red dog tag from some county in Nevada. Always right on the tennis ball, my old buddy Marco.
"What have you got for me?"
He gets up on a chair. "No, no, Sammy. The questions has to be -- what have YOU got for ME?"
I paw a pile of bowsers across the desk to him. "This ought to be sufficient...if the information is."
Marco hops off the chair, sits on the floor, and scratches his fleas. "I've got some interesting stuff for you."
I get out of my chair and join him. "Such as?"
"I've been nosing around -- like in Gwendolyn Monk's very fancy burrow."
"In other words, breaking and entry. What did you come up with?"
"Would you believe a confused husband and a helpful demon?"
"WHAT?"
"Relax, Sam. Don't wear down your dewclaw. It turns out Spencer Hilton is still in love with his former crate mate, the incomparable Lily, and Digby the demon's input proved, let us say, invaluable."
Marco pulls a small vial out from underneath his collar, and rolls it across the floor to me.
"What's this?"
"From what Digby and I discovered in Jade Jardine's lab it's mostly aloe vera, with a soupcon of goose poop added in, plus lemon grass -- and essence of pear blossoms. Smell it."
I pull the cork with my teeth. "Yipe! This stinks like a barrel of dead fish. It's too much, even for a dog."
File continued below...
File continued...
"We found that vial at Gwendolyn Monk's place. According to Digby, who's got degrees in botany and chemistry, as well as a dozen other sujects from personal counseling to veterinary medicine, the dead fish smell comes from the pear blossoms."
"No arfing bulldog?"
"Further, the lovely Jade Jardine, whose nose remains incapable of identifying so much as a large chunk of steak tartare, insists she never used pear blossoms in any of her blends."
He pops another tiny vial from beneath his collar. "Try this one."
I remove the cork, sniff. "Hmmm. Nice. Let me guess...aloe vera, goose poop, lemon grass...and dill?"
Marco nods. "You've got a great nose there, Sam. And here's how the ham gets sliced -- according to Ms. Jardine, that vial you just sniffed is from the first batch she made up for Lily. She knows it is, because until she pawed it over to me, it was tucked away under a mattress in her pen."
"And the fishy-smelling stuff you got at Gwendolyn Monk's?"
"The dill has been replaced with the essence of pear blossoms."
"Strange."
"Stranger still when you consider that Ms. Monk bought up the entire supply of Lily's special scent -- lock, stock, and barrel -- if there was one."
"What do you make of it?"
Marco hops up on a chair and starts to count his bowsers. "I'm not sure yet, Sammy, but I feel like I'm dog-paddling in the right direction."
"With the help of Digby the demon?"
"I've worked with worse, Sam. At least he's up front about what he is. Oh, by the way..."
"Yes?"
"Digby told me that dill is often used as part of a ritual to call up demons."
I cut my eyes to the ceiling, try and fail to stifle a laugh. "The truth at last," I tell him. "Now I know why you've always liked dill pickles."
CONFIDENTIAL
The blog is back up! Must be the demon story.
The snow demon!
It is no joke.
Yes, it is. I never knew that pear blossoms smelled like dead fish before, and dill was used to call up demons? I thought it was only wolves bane and the like.
You don't like wolves, Kabby?
I had a flat tire this morning! Are the demons after me, van hellsing?
A demon with an ice pick?
Why would a demon need one?
Exactly. A demon could flatten a tire using magic.
That's interesting. You know, my auto mechanic has eyes that glow in the dark.
Sniffing too much antifreeze, is he?
How is he at rotating tires?
I was DEE LIGHTED to see Diamond Jim win the big one!
Could he have had demonic assistance?
Leave that to the contestants on American Idol.
A demon'd make Paula pee her pants!
There is a little white dog which foretells disaster at sea. Remarkably his name is Digby.
The auto club can drive off demons. LOL.
I wish they could drive off this intense cold. It's not idyllic here in Lincoln Park at all this morning.
Demons are capable of producing bitter cold.
Excuse me for being picky, but shouldn't Sammy Chan have said "breaking and entering" instead of "breaking and entry"? If I am not mistaken, in 38 states a "B&E" is now referred to as "breaking and entering."
If you say so, Manuel. I am so observant, it went completely past me. I am more intrigued with pear blossom perfume and dilly demons.
Is Punkin on the level with that sea demon?
I've an idea he made it up. I can't find anything about it on line.
Looks like a demon has struck the blog. Is anybody home?
It's a snowy Friday night in most of the world, bro.
And that has what to do with absolutely anything?
But it does. People want to be in places like warm theaters and neighborhood pubs. They don't want to be sitting at home with a cold computer. Some, that is. Some.
Sounds awfully good to me about now.
Being together is good on a cold nite.
Lying down with dogs again, are you, Ken?
Not that there's anything wrong with that, Yogibare!
Manuel, thank you for your input. "Breaking and entering" it is in most states -- at least the ones we bothered to look up. And anyone as erudite as Sammy Chan would want to be on the bowsers with his legal terms.
We're happy, by the way, for all helpful input like Manuel's. Considering we usually post these stories in the wee small hours when we're half-zoned, we can use all the help we can get.
Poor blog gnomes! You do very well for pixies who get no sleep. What would Dr. Daisy advise?
I HEART Dr. Daisy. I want to grow up to be her but i can't. I'm a german shepherd. Boo-hoo.
Maybe you can be a German Shepherd with a golden heart, Stacy?
Thank u.
I thought all German Shepherds had hearts of gold. The dogs, I mean.
I guess you'd have to ask a German Shepherd -- a guy with sheep, I mean.
A well-trained German shepherd is one of the world's finest dogs. If it helps, we might call them police dogs, so as to not confuse them with human shepherds.
How many human shepherds does anyone know?
Isn't there a difference between a shephard and a shepherd?
Yeah. One is misspelled.
What happened to Van Helsing?
Probably van Helsing fell into one of our snowdrifts and gave up the ghost. Good riddance!
He'll be fine as long as he's an immortal. LOL.
Hi, Lulu!!!!
It's Polly from over on Treasury!
You do have a blog and weren't kidding! Unlike you, I am too weirded out by the snow, cause I am so little! You do GREAT! Bye!
You live ON Treasury? Is that the name of a street?
I have been sharpening my stake.
Around here we'd prefer a STEAK. Woof. Woof.
Treasury is a street, or a drive.
Or a golf club.
Why does van helsing need a stake to chase away a demon. I thot it was holy water and garlic.
The stake is for effect.
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