King Rockie reigns anew in every respect. (Photo by J.M. Hilton)
posted by LuLu @ 11:07 PM
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
About Me
- Name: LuLu
I am a single five-year-old female Beagle, shown here by myself, while my mix-up of a sister sings the praises of mutts on my blog. Well, let her. I have a most intriguing (one might even say lascivious) past, at least according to my autobiography. In a former lifetime I was Queen Elizabeth the Ist of England, and later on (among others) I was Nell Gwynn, Pauline Borghese, Louise Brooks, and eventually just lovable, neurotic, adorable ME. I have a perfectly charming, albeit very annoying, sister named Sadie. She's rarely plagued by conscience, possibly because she's a Sagittarius. To date she has attempted to steal most of my boyfriends, meaning we're quite used to fighting over bones. Sadie and I are the same age, although she's the adopted one. We do have a fair amount of things in common. For example, she was once Mary Queen of Scots, and later on both Barbara Villiers and Marlene Dietrich. Amazingly we get along -- at least when we're before the public~
Previous Posts
- Sammy Chan takes over as the most eligible young d...
- Lily grants a rare press interview. Will a boost f...
- The baddest feline on the planet? Archibald Catt a...
- Still at the bottom of Lincoln Park Lake, we wonde...
- Private eye Snots Cluzo. Does he really have a clu...
- Blog hostess LuLu stars as the three very differen...
- PRIDE&POOP (cont'd)......
- The angelic and the not so angelic? Lily tells the...
- King Rockie enjoys an early autumn dip in the lake...
- Is Lena (Waggs) LaMarr, AKA Spencer Hilton, living...
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Oooops! We're sorry. In our excitement, we goofed and erased the wrong photo + comments. We'll do a recap of our articles. As for your comments -- please consider reposting~
The Eye On The Park...
Dateline Lincoln Park:
Not too many surprises in Lincoln Park tonight, although King Rockie, once again our absolute monarch, won by a landslide even though he ran unopposed. Several mammals (mostly canines) showed their fervent support by voting more than once, and a couple of voting machines wound up in the lake with their legs chewed off. But then, who's going to buck tradition? A couple of poll workers also wound up in the lake, but we're told their legs were left unscathed.
"I accept the will of the people," said King Rockie, entering the palace ballroom around ten p.m. tonight, with fave leash biscuit LuLu by his flank. LuLu, in general an avowed nudist, was wearing a bright red kerchief from the Gilded Paw, and an ear bauble from Poster Pup of Seattle. She flashed her tummy ID tattoo at reporters several times in the course of the evening, and said she later planned to "get down and dirty" by rolling in goose poop and chasing sticks in the rain.
("LuLu is very much in touch with the king's feral side," remarked one of the royal handlers, while several other bitches from his kennel stood by growling softly.)
Prince Paco, also running unopposed until the last minute, easily clipped the wings of Hyacinth the Goose, who had the honking brass to challenge him for a Senate seat. (Hyacinth tells us she plans to leave town as soon as her wing feathers grow back.) A recent sex scandal over his involvement with Australian shepherd Sydney the intern may have put Prince Paco over the top. The blue-eyed bitch was his hot date at his victory celebration tonight, and she entered the ballroom wearing a diamond-studded leash from Pups&Pussies of Detroit.
"They must be engaged," barked one excited reporter.
"She must be knocked up," commented Dixie Simba (AKA the Asp), a bitch who all too often gets in the last woof.
Whatever the case, congratulations to both King Rockie and Prince Paco. We're proud of our native sons! And them, too~
No fair.
The Eye On The Park...
Dateline Lincoln Park:
In other election news, seven-month-old park newcomer, Sammy Chan, is our newly elected attorney general -- and I'll bet you didn't know we had one. He was briefly opposed by Milton the Mouse, who was eaten last week by Mavis the Cat; Sammy will be sworn into office the moment he is potty trained. Sammy, a Pekingese, speaks fourteen languages, is a math whiz, and has the hots for the alien on 'American Dad.'
Ferlance the Ferret, formerly the head bartender at Poppa Poochie's Singles Bar, went down to bitter defeat during this -- his first venture into the big, bad world of park politics. "I ran unopposed for dogcatcher and lost," he said. "While I realize I did better than most Republicans, I still think it might be time for me to go back to the seminary."
Developing? Are you kidding? The election's over -- thank Dog! If you lost, get over it -- and if you won, it's party time!
You know, that tattoo of LuLu's really is quite something.......
Did I win? Did I win? Did I run unopposed? Did I run? What's unopposed? What's run? I'm so cute!
Could you be another cliffhanger, Lily? Maybe u will take control of the doghouse?
It's alright, Lulu. I got excited too. Everybody I like got elected but especially King Rockie!!!!!
Stay with religion, Lilly. That is where the money is.
What party affiliation are these dogs?
Democats?
The dogs belong to the Canine party, while the rest of the animals belong to the Mammal faction, except for filthy rich felines like Archibald Catt, who usually support the Plutocat ticket.
Isn't there an Underdog party?
It's called the Republicans.
Get your barks in now, anony. There will be a underdog comeback.
Chill, groover. U sound like an old dog and don't want to get your tail in a knot.
Swine! But at least you gave me an idea for tonight's story.
Was that Morey? I like the Parovarchian, but what does it mean?
I don't know, but the Turkish monster is real, or allegedly so. I find monsters interesting. Bigfoot and others. It's so very bizarre.
Godzilla? But he isn't real.
He isn't?
What about the Maine Monster Dog? The one they think might be part Chow. What a terrible fate.
Do you think he was really a dog?
The Mutant? According to the final reports. I've read some interesting articles about wolf-dog hybrids and that might be what he was.
I liked Cujo.
That surprises me very little, Javens.
Do u know, Kabby, that the dog who played Cujo in the movie was so friendly, his trainer had to tie his tail -- he kept wagging it! He tried to break into cars? They had someone hiding with his ball in the backseat. I liked the book and enjoyed the movie, Kabby.
Guess you learn a lot in the cranker, Javens?
Yeah, I've got my master's degree in Stephen King.
The Eye On The Park...
An Interview with Lily Hilton
By journalism student Madison Pomeranian.
What can one possibly say about Lily Hilton? She's totally FAB! Consider this, she's been everywhere and done everything, from modeling to mistressing.
Now she's a dogdess, or a priestess, or a dogdess-priestess (Oh, you get the picture)in the Church of Lily. A church named for herself. Tell me that's not just over-the-top incredibly self-absorbed.
But despite Lily's in-your-face attitude of self-assurance and glamour, a lot of dogs in Lincoln Park really hate her. They're probably just jealous because she's beautiful and has oodles of bowsers. But let's go to the source, say I. Let's ask Lily HERSELF.
Madison: "Lily, you're ineffably gorgeous and breathtaking, so how come so many dogs hate your bow-wow?"
Lily: "They do? Why, I can't imagine. After all, I'm all about Dog and love and youth and beauty. Who could possibly hate me?"
Lady Dixie Simba (Lily's business partner): "All of us associated with the Church of Lily have apologized for celebrity Babs Owtchauka's unfortunate treatment of the Golden retriever puppy, Morgana."
Madison: "It's Madison, and didn't she kick dirt in his face?"
Lady Dixie: "Well, yes, she did, and we immediately recommended a good anger management class and got her off sugar biscuits. We also compensated the puppy's family for any pain or emotional distress they, or he, might have suffered.
"His mother got a free grooming and his father got a free rabies shot. The kid even got a jumbo-sized Angel Thor squeak toy. Next question."
Madison: "So, Lily, you really do care about other dogs? You're not just a front for a money laundering scheme or some sort of tax write-off?"
Lady Dixie: "Certainly not! I can't imagine how these ridiculous rumors get started. As you probably know, we have an entire line of wonderful cosmetics blessed by the Heavenly Hound Himself. How does that grab your stifles, Mindy?"
Madison: "It's Madison, and aren't your products incredibly expensive?"
Lady Dixie: "Why, of course they are, for the most part. But we have a brand new line of Canine Celestial Cosmetics that we call the Hoi-Polloi line. It consists of flea powders and perfumes for REAL dogs, and considering our new pay-by-installment plan, even stray dogs on the run can now afford to have bright smiles and smell good."
Interview continued below.....
Interview with Lily Hilton cont'd
Lily: "Dixie, this IS my interview -- remember?"
Lady Dixie: "Why, of course, dear. I just want our cute little J-school student here to realize that we're not elitist snobs; we may be slightly better than everybody else, but it's in a GOOD way. Melissa, do you know that Lily plans to adopt two striped hyena cubs from Asia?"
Madison: "Whoa! For sure? Two baby hyenas? But don't you already have a pup, Lily?"
Lady Dixie: "You must mean Moxie, dear, but he's all grown up and is in line to become a duke. Lily is VERY maternal. She wants to raise those darling cubs on her own."
Lily: "I do?"
Lady Dixie: "Well, with the help of four nannies and an entire staff of servants. Spiritual matters take up so much of her time."
Lily: "I also have my public appearances, and Dog knows I like to sleep late."
Madison: "What does Moxie think of your plans?"
Lily: "Who?"
Lady Dixie: "Your SON! Monica, we really aren't in touch with Moxie at the present time. He's living in France and doing very well. Lily takes a lot of maternal pride in his achievements."
Madison: "Exactly what is it that he does?"
Lily: "He's an international playboy."
Lady Dixie: "Martha, why don't you let me show you our new line of perfumes now?"
Madison: "Thanks, but I've got student loans to pay off."
Lady Dixie: "Don't worry. I'm sure we can work out a convenient payment plan for you. We're easily as flexible as AT&T.
Remember me? Rockie, you are the most exciting brute I have seen in ages. We must get together. The king needs a queen for his kennel. When can we meet?
Rockie, watch it. We're pretty sure Missheaven is a tease. Stick with Lulu. She likes to spread the joy, but she loves you.
I agree with Deuce and Fiver, King Rockie. We r loyal subjects and want to protect u. Lulu is wild but she loves u.
Missheaven is funnin' ya.
Don't worry. I'm ready for her~
Good for you, LuLu!
Watch her. She's sneaky.
Is Missheaven as pretty as me?
She is a completely different type.
I'm up for Miss Heaven!
U R up for anything, Bare.
The Eye On The Park...
Dateline Los Angeles:
Former Interpup Inspector Snots Cluzo, recently turned Private Eye, announced this morning that he had solved the Lena LaMarr/Shamus O'Possum mystery caper -- absolutely, positively FOR SURE this time.
"Sonja the Seal did it," woofed Snots while cameras clicked and rolled, and his intrepid assistant, Belle the Cocker, rolled in the grass, laughing.
"Sonja's a clever one," revealed the twitchy nosed private dick, "but my suspicions perked like a Doberman's ears when I realized she had lied to me.
"Sonja," said Snots, "is not the sea lion she pretends to be. She is a plain old harbor seal, and a lying suspect is usually a guilty suspect."
Cluzo's last "guilty suspect" was Carbolana, the Pink Flamingo, who recently appeared in a Pepsi commercial, and who currently has a bit part in a remake of Alfred Hitchcock's 1963 film classic, "The Birds."
"OK, so I goofed with the Pepto-Bismol babe," admitted Snots. "I know I'm right about Sonja. Why else would she lie?"
"She lied," said Belle, "because she wants to join the circus. It so happens that most circus 'seals' are actually sea lions, and Sonja thought she'd get more leverage pretending to be one."
"Oh," said Snots Cluzo, his expression turning more hangdog than Donald Rumsfeld's.
"There's a Lithuanian link and a South American link to this mystery," Belle went on, cracking her gum and chowing down on a piece of beef jerky at the same time. "Everything is linked together and it all will come to light when one more witness arrives in town, Watson."
"Who are you calling Watson?" demanded Cluzo. "I'm Holmes and YOU are Watson."
"Ha!" replied Belle, looking more intrepid than ever, except for the piece of beef jerky caught between her front teeth.
"And who's this new witness, Watson?"
"None of your business, Watson."
"Watson, I ought to fire you!"
"You haven't got the cojones, Watson."
"Maybe not, Watson, but I've got a plush pig dog toy and even a hard rubber space station -- both from Zanies Pet Toys."
"You're advertising pet toys while trying to solve a case?" Belle gasped.
"Why not? Unless we solve this mystery caper in the next few days, meatloaf breath, we're going to get kicked out of Camp Beverly Wilshire and be sleeping under cars.
"Maybe you, Cluzo. Maybe you."
Belle wagged her tail, winked at reporters, and then ran off to roll in the grass again.
"I want to announce that a warrant has been issued for the arrest of Sonja the Seal," barked Snots Cluzo.
"She's not in custody yet?" asked several reporters and a stray dog named Joe who was just nosy.
"Not yet," replied Snots, wriggling his Groucho Marx eyebrows. "I'm told she's a pretty slippery character."
Developing....
Let us hear less from Missheaven and more from Belle the cocker. The flamingo is a great old bird too.
We're going to get snow and then we can go sledding! There are stories about monsters throughout Minnesota. They have legend after legend out here. Fiver&I hope we are too fast for them. LOL.
I wish I was in Minnesota. It's raining here -- AGAIN. A poor dog can get a fungus between her toes and my coat will be wet for a week.
Doesn't Missheaven live near you, Mollie? Maybe she will get a fungus under HER toes?
There is a little terrier running all over the place over here. Help!
I'm a little terrier running all over the place. Help Me! Missheaven! Help Me!
Very funny, Javens, or is it Yogi?
Do u ever date, Kabby?
Evidently she does, Javens.
I date.
The Eye On The Park...
Dateline: Somewhere over the North Atlantic:
(Recap: Now calling herself "Bleu," LuLu's little sister and her boyfriend, Giles the French bulldog, have been robbing banks throughout France in order to help support charities which supposedly care for homeless Third World street dogs.
When last heard from, the pair was padding south, hoping to meet up with some friends of Giles in Marseille, in order to be smuggled out of the country.)
"We'll probably be sent to China," Bleu wrote to her sister.
Uh-ho. Does Amnesty International have a canine unit?
The story continues:
Dear Sis,
You will never in a million years guess what's happened! Well, first of all, Giles and I got caught by the dogcatcher and thrown into a French version of THE POUND. I got to tell you -- I was SO not cool with that. I mean, we're in a cage with STREET DOGS. I just kept saying: "This is soooo not happening." But it was.
"Eh, girlie, they still use the guillotine in this country," this very UNCOOL dog with awful breath kept telling me. he even tried to mount me, but Giles bit him. It was AWFUL. I mean, I PUKED. Like the dog had FLEAS!!!!
Then, and here comes the cool part, THEN who should arrive at the pound but -- are you ready? MOXIE!!!! OMIDOG!!! Moxie, almost a duke and a super CELEB. (I wet all over myself.)
"Oou eez theeze Mouxie?" Giles asked me in his cute French accent. "If he is your other lover, I will kill him," he tells me.
But he seemed really OK with things after Moxie went our bail.
Between us, Sis, I was SOOOOO embarrassed. I mean, there I was, locked up in the slammer with pervs and street dogs, accused of robbing banks -- and worst of all, my HAIR looked SO BAD!!! But Moxie was so nice. He did make sure that Giles and I got hosed down before we got into his limo, but aside from that, he was SOOOO sweet and super nice, and he gave us warm towels and fresh bottled water and stuff.
Oh, while we were getting hosed down, the dogcatcher brought in this dog Giles and I knew from Paris. We'd already given him a bunch of money, and he was supposed to help get us out of the country.
"Time to play DEAD DOG, you two," he barked and growled as he got dragged past us. "You are both a nice dish of DEAD DOG JULIENNE!"
Isn't that funny? Well, I mean funny in a kind of creepy, scary "Sleepy Hollow" sort of way.
Anyways, we get in Moxie's limo and go back to this CASTLE that belongs to his father. Inside we meet a very into-herself Dutch Stabyhoun he said was his girlfriend -- which made me feel really good.
Oh, I mean Giles is my main AMOUR. he and I want to change the world and maybe even get leash-locked. But Moxie is kind of like Brad Pitt, and Giles isn't. He is French, but he's not Brad Pitt.
So, anyways, we had this INCREDIBLE dinner. Would you believe we ate out of GOLD BOWLS?
I know they were real, Sis, because I bit into one and almost chipped a canine.
Then Moxie licked the Dutch bitch on the nose and left her with Giles in the "drawing room" -- while he took me off to his LAIR.
I figured he would, like, you know, but instead he told me to sit.
"You are in big trouble," he said, "and you're are flying out of here tomorrow on one of my dad's jets."
"What about Giles?" I asked him. "You're not going to snuff him, are you?" (I mean, who knows what kind of games Moxie and the Dutch bitch could be into?)
"I'm not even going to sniff him," him he tell me, and the next thing I know, this VERY PROPER briard takes me outside to pee on the lawn, and then takes me upstairs and shows me this HUGE PEN, where I get to sleep.
And, you know, Sis, I'm thinking about how Mox really is ALL THAT. Oh, I still want to dedicate my life to helping the poor, and robbing banks was fun, especially since we didn't hurt anybody, but I could like REALLY get used to living the way Moxie does. This is like SOOOO Camilla Parker-Bowlsing it. Only I'm so much younger than she is and all.
Anyways, this morning I saw Giles walking in the garden with the Dutch bitch, and he never even sniffed me auvoir. Moxie took me to this very secluded private airfield, licked my nose, and put me on a jet.
I started whimpering and telling him I didn't want to go home.
"Don't worry," he says. "You'll come back someday, Bleu."
Now I'm somewhere over the Atlantic and wondering. Do you think Moxie could be in love with me, Sis? His nose was SOOO warm when he licked me -- and he did call me by my first name.
And you should see this jet!!! Not to mention the HOT standard poodle who's flying it! He gave me this look when I got on the plane.
Say, I just thought of something. I wonder how Moxie knew I was in trouble and came to rescue me?
I'll bet it was FATE. And we are destined to be together.
Sometimes life is just like a fairytale!
See you soon, Bleu
Moxie,
My little sister arrived this morning. I'm going to keep her on a very short leash. Thanks so much.
Love, LuLu~
So do I, Ken. Fortunately I live in England.
Where does Ken live? Has he ever said? I'm guessing Florida.
I'm guessing Mars.
Poor Blue Girl, but I wish they would bring Shamus back, and we never hear from Miss Ferret in recent columns. Did Dacia get a divorce?
Yes. And all things in good time~
Is the Sade the Marquis thereof?
Isn't the Sade a female?
Waiting is not my style, Rockie. Evidently the bitches in the park are the best you can do.
A pity.
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