Private eye Snots Cluzo. Does he really have a clue? (Photo by J.M. Hilton)
posted by LuLu @ 12:01 AM
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
Monday, October 16, 2006
Private eye Snots Cluzo. Does he really have a clue? (Photo by J.M. Hilton)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
About Me
- Name: LuLu
I am a single five-year-old female Beagle, shown here by myself, while my mix-up of a sister sings the praises of mutts on my blog. Well, let her. I have a most intriguing (one might even say lascivious) past, at least according to my autobiography. In a former lifetime I was Queen Elizabeth the Ist of England, and later on (among others) I was Nell Gwynn, Pauline Borghese, Louise Brooks, and eventually just lovable, neurotic, adorable ME. I have a perfectly charming, albeit very annoying, sister named Sadie. She's rarely plagued by conscience, possibly because she's a Sagittarius. To date she has attempted to steal most of my boyfriends, meaning we're quite used to fighting over bones. Sadie and I are the same age, although she's the adopted one. We do have a fair amount of things in common. For example, she was once Mary Queen of Scots, and later on both Barbara Villiers and Marlene Dietrich. Amazingly we get along -- at least when we're before the public~
Previous Posts
- Blog hostess LuLu stars as the three very differen...
- PRIDE&POOP (cont'd)......
- The angelic and the not so angelic? Lily tells the...
- King Rockie enjoys an early autumn dip in the lake...
- Is Lena (Waggs) LaMarr, AKA Spencer Hilton, living...
- Better off playing 'possum? Shamus is in the worst...
- Morey the mutt and his pals are stuck at the botto...
- Safe home from captivity in North BimBim, Lily say...
- Blog hostess LuLu stars as the Beagle sisters: Jan...
- PRIDE & POOP by Jane Airedale, cont'd.....
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122 Comments:
NO!
I remember Snots! What a name!
Snots is funny, but I am waiting for more of Shamus and the others. What happened to Prince Paco or Madame Spiderea?
The beagles are too cute. Guess it's Lulu's sister's turn with Maxie?
You are thinking of Madame Spirea, Molly. She was Lily's eccentric aunt. I don't remember Belle or Blue Girl from last year, which leads me to believe they are young pups. Prince Paco was one of my favorites!
Last year? It was a few months ago!
Blue Girl was introduced recently but Idon't remember just when. Belle rings a bell! LOL. But I don't remember what she looks like.
I want to see those ass-kickin' coyotes back. But Prince Paco's cool. Almost as cool as KKB.
Why, thank you, Hooey.
Cool like a iceberg frigid!
What kind of dog r u anyway, KKB? I see a licky husky.
The Eye On The Park...
Dateline All Over:
Yale legal whiz, former Lincoln Park Amanuensis of State, and current head of the UN General Canine Council, Dacia the Schnauzer, today announced that she and her mate, Yale Bulldog Handsome Dan, have separated and plan to divorce.
The couple, tether-tied scarcely long enough for an amoeba to split, both insist that their relationship remains "amicable."
"There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Dacia paid two hungry Chows to take me out while I was living at Raffles Hotel in Singapore," firmly stated Handsome Dan in a brief telephone interview from London, where he has been seen in the company of Queenie the Corgi, former love biscuit of Moxie the Cavapoo, the playpup son of supermodel Lily Hilton and the Duke of Rothschild and Roquefort.
"Ours is a purely platonic relationship," insisted Handsome Dan. "We both like beef bones and weekend romps through the Scottish countryside."
Uh-huh. Sure, Dan. We understand (And this mutt has a law degree from Yale?)
"We were apart for way too long during our honeymoon," admitted Dacia during a slightly longer interview just outside the UN General Assembly building this afternoon. "I had to pretty much take charge of the Lily Hilton mess in North BimBim, while Dan spent his time hanging out at the Long Bar at Raffles. It wasn't a great way to begin a tethering -- at least not for Dan. I love starting my day with a good international crisis involving UN intervention. Dan, I'm afraid, simply wanted to make love and chase cars."
"We're guessing there's no truth to the rumor that Dan tried to have your kibble poisoned after he met Queenie the Corgi through Moxie the Cavapoo, then?" (We HAD to ask.)
Her nose didn't even twitch. "None whatsoever. I can't imagine how these rumors get started."
"About the Chows..."
"Let's not go there," she cautioned, her dark eyes hardening and her nose turning cold.
OK.
By the way, Dacia was wearing a drop-dead gorgeous faux snow mink coat from the Gilded Paw over a pale blue Angora sweater from Barker&Meowsky of Chicago. She was also wearing her trademark Swarovski crystal dog collar from HandsnPaws of New York.
Developing...
In other news, adorable Lincoln Park socialite Miss Gracie and her hot former squeak toy, Maltese playpup Buddy Pepper, have also called it quits.
"Oh, we got bored after a couple of weeks and met other dogs," said Gracie being Gracie when we caught up to her at the airport, as she headed north to Alaska.
"I've just met the most scrumpteeoo-ish sled dog," she told us, as she scampered past to make her flight. "Oh, and I'm so glad I got my starter tethering out of the way."
"Where's Buddy?" we barked.
"I think he's in Hong Kong chasing a Chinese hairless," she arfed, and vanished in a whirlwind of perfumed dog hairs.
Keep in touch by email, Gracie. Our blog and PEOPLE Magazine would seriously hate to lose you~
I want to thank everyone for their support and I promise not to swallow any more tacks. I feel pretty silly. We are going to be staying with a friend for a week, so you might not hear from us.
We will get back with you soon.
Hi, Deuce, glad to hear from u and that u are alright. U take care now and have a SAFE move.
Thanks for the frigid remark, Iddy.
As for u, Javens, why not see me as a police dog?
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Go, Girl.
I am a German Shephard puppy who feels insecure a lot because my mom isn't home a lot and my sisters are mean to me. Can you help?
Why isn't your mom home, Stacy?
Are your sisters your age or older?
Mom works. My sisters are older. I'm eight months and theyre four and five yrs. old. I stay in a crate & dont like it.
If she leaves u in that crate all day, it's not good. A big girl like u needs leg room.
Are your sisters in crates also, Stacy? If not, they should not be around you. Your mom should talk to your vet.
My sisters are smaller and are not caged. They bark at me and take my toys. They make me feel scared.
Your mom should talk to your vet.
thank you.
U R a German Shepherd, Stacy? Get back to me when u'r a year. By then u should have figured out the obvious solution to ur problem.
That is not funny, Javens. Stacy's problem is that she's so much younger than the other dogs in her household, and she's kept in a pen all day long.
Stacy's mother, your dog needs more exercise and the other dogs should not be allowed to tease her.
End of problem.
I think it's funny, Javens.
You would.
The Eye On The Park...
Dateline Paris, France:
LuLu,
First of all, I'm sorry about stealing your passport, a bunch of bowsers from your Dog Coach bag, your Dog Coach bag, and lastly your laptop (not that I'm some biter who wants to like emulate you or anything). I lost the laptop somewhere in the vicinity of the English Channel. I'm sorry about that, too.
Oh, well. An adventure wouldn't be an adventure if it weren't an adventure. You know. And we both know that Moxie is all that and more and I can't wait to meet him!!!
When I got off the train in Paris who should I OMD! run into but Jessica the hound -- remember her? I haven't seen her since I was maybe nine weeks old, but she remembered me -- probably because I do look like you, except for being prettier. I mean, there is this uncanny resemblance.
She kind of hates you, but she's letting me use her lappie because the Catts fired her ass, she broke up with her boyfriend, and now she's camping out in alleys and trying to avoid the dogcatcher. Oh, and I gave her some money, and one of your old credit cards. (It's not like you're poor, you know!!!)
Oh, listen up! According to Jessica, Mrs. Tabitha Catt was really whiskered that Archie was howling on the back fence with Chantilly Khat on that movie set. (In fact, more than once Mrs. Catt threatened to KILL Chantilly -- who is just awesome as far as way too cool feline catresses go.)
Jessica says she's got the whole sloop scoop on the Catts, so maybe you could hire her back if she stays sober and doesn't come home with the mange?
I'm fine and leaving Paris! Paris! Paris! tomorrow to close in on my CRUSH, who's down south with some Dutch dog who's no way as fine as I am.
Hope you're not still mad enough at me to go postal -- in your case, go postal on the postal person. HA! Ha!
Signed: The future Duchess of Rothschild and Roquefort!!!
Carole is back? KKB's twisted sister? A Bronx cheer ^ ^
No Fiver. I miss him. Oh well.
They're moving, Cathy. It's not like they're gone forever. Shamus is alive!
Thnk u 4 helping me. I got my own room! I'm getting a trainer too. My sisters will be jealous!
Hi, Stacy. Happy to be of service.
Getting your own room is a great idea. You've got a smart mom! The idea of hiring a trainer is even better. What kind of dogs are your sisters?
I see Lulu's sister got to France. She sounds like my sister's kid.
ooooooh! Jean's burning. Sis has the basset, the ex-hus, and she has a kid? U need to take Stacy hunting, Jean.
That is sick, sick, sick, Yogi. You need help.
Well, KKB, it's a big desert and a shovel don't cost much.
You're sick too, Javens, but I would expect that from you.
I am deeply wounded by your words, KKB.
If u r wounded, it ain't by no words, Jave.
A miserable day! No fun walking dogs today. So here goes nothing. Javens, where r u incarcerated?
Do you honestly want to get into this, Cathy?
I am curious, like the cat. Besides, he has so much to say.
Hi there! I like all the cat scandal and LTD Archibald Catt! Funnnnnneeeee! Javens is a put on, Cathy.
Javens is a puton? More like a putdown!
I feel a need to know.
A need to know what, baby doll?
Are u in the joint?
Was. But now I walk the walk.
What walk, Javens? What were you in for?
Either a speeding ticket or murder.
Oh.
O Man! Even my cat Honker can do better'n that. Sorry, sorry answer, J. U may walk the walk but even a prison warden type like KKB ain't goin nohow for YOUR outlaw.
Prison warden?
You don't even know me, Yogi. If you did, you would be in for a surprise. I'm glad I don't know you, because you are a genuine creep.
Bad Bare! Bad, Bad, Bad!
The Eye On The Park...
Dateline Los Angeles:
More than a dozen LAPD squad cars hit the manicured lawns of the highly rated (Ooops! We can't give you the name!) uh, at the JOHN DOE Hotel in Beverly Hills this morning, after an unidentified caller reported that actress Lena (Waggs) LaMarr had just been shot in the tail.
Ms. LaMarr, the evident live-in love of celebrity author Shamus O'Possum, was reportedly walking through the elegant enclosed dog park at the famous XXXXX Hotel, where Bogey used to stay, John Lennon and Yoko held hands, Lady met Tramp, and Britney Spears dumped one of her ex-husbands -- when she heard a faint "swooshing" sound, and a dart wound up caught in the middle of her feathery tail.
"I've been shot!" barked Lena, and since the HumHumHum Hotel has long been a favorite with A-list hoods, the occasional drug lord, a couple of third world dictators, and Dick Cheney, her cry of distress was taken seriously by the largely Venezuelan staff and Mr. O'Possum's hired muscle.
"Those #@@@!!!! cops wrecked our magnificent lawn!" bellowed hotel manager Rex Whippett, although he was told not to worry; a countywide tax increase will more than make up for the cost of resodding.
Ms. LaMarr, rushed to the hotel clinic, was found to be suffering from shock, amnesia, and bedbug bites. She also had male genitalia. "Otherwise," said Nurse Belinda Ratchet, "she couldn't be better."
"Of course the perp escaped!" raved private eye Snots Cluzo, until his pretty sidekick, Belle the Cocker, told him to stuff his biscuits.
"The police did everything possible," she arfed, wagging her tail at a hardened lieutenant until she got a smile out of him.
"We have found just been told that the dart was dipped in curare, just like the one which was blown at Shamus while he was staying in the clinic," she divulged.
"By Dog! I think there's a connection," said Snots Cluzo, mere seconds before Belle bit him.
Mr. O'Possum and his bit of crumpet have been moved from the XXXXX to the famous ZZZZZ world-class spa in P...Ooops. Goofed again. In a small desert community where a lot of filthy rich celebrities have houses and stuff.
"I am not Shamus O'Possum's bit of crumpet," protested Ms. LaMarr. "At least I don't think I am. For fun we drink beer together and have burping contests."
Developing....
don't care about my dog's teeth?
Teeth suck!
We are doing fine, but our person misses us. We will be moving to Minnesota in three days, and we are excited!
Hi, Fiver and Deuce!
U must be excited! I wish i were moving to Minnesota!
Guess u found out about Javens, Cathy.
I don't want to talk about Javens and his friends, Jean. They're young kids who are pulling our chains.
Thanks, Molly. YES! Lets not go there with Javens.
Very sensible, Molly. Let's pretend they don't exist.
Hi.
You know how to clear a room, Javens.
Thanks. I do my best.
You do, Javens. You do.
dogs haf teeth 2.
What is this obsession with dogs' teeth, Ken?
The Eye On The Park...
Dateline Lincoln Park:
A brave new edifice stands erect and proud on the rugged shores of Lincoln Park Lake these days. It is the Church of Lily (also known as Lily's Church) -- "A perfect copy, with a few salient updates, of the more awesome parts of various temples dedicated to the goddess Aphrodite over in Greece," explained Norwegian Elkhound Ionia Gable, Lincoln Park's most avant- garde new architect.
Indeed, one can almost picture merry little puppy nymphs (hotly pursued by satyrs)scampering about the graceful Ionic columns.
(Hmmm. Ionia and Ionic. How very ironic?)
"Not at all," Lady Dixie (the Asp) Simba told us. "Ionia absolutely outdid herself, and Lily and I are enchanted."
"So you and Lily are partners in this venture?" we asked her.
"Let us say," said Dixie, "that Lily provides the beauty, the enlightenment, the spiritual quality. She is also the new 'face' of Celestial Canine Cosmetics, and we offer a complete line of goodies -- from paw cream to tooth whiteners to Doggy Sweet anal perfume."
"And your job?" we inquired.
"I'm the business side."
Ah ha.
"Wasn't Lily the 'face' of Sushi-Siam Dog Chow not so very long ago?" we asked her.
Dixie frowned. "We don't talk about that. It was a terribly painful experience for Lily, and she is a highly sensitive animal."
As if on cue, Lily appeared, seeming to float down a series of marble steps in front of the church. "I've been meditating," she informed us, her bark as sugary sweet as an angel's kiss, and just about as insubstantial.
We were Krazy-Kat curious. "About what?"
She closed her eyes, raised her head to keep her chins from wobbling, and smiled benignly. "About how much everyone loves me."
"What is she on?" we asked Dixie.
"I am on DOG!" arfed Lily. "Dog and love and light and beauty and everlasting youth."
She drifted away.
"Let me show you our spa area and the exercise room," Dixie instantly offered, "and of course there's our massage room, the meditation chapel, an entire temperature-controlled chamber devoted solely to our fabulous cosmetics...."
We broke into her spiel. "How much is that Doggy Sweet anal perfume?" we asked, dropping our woof to a whisper.
"A couple hundred bowsers," she replied.
"My DOG!"
It was her turn to smile benignly.
"That's what it's all about," she said.
Developing...
My dog and I want to see what KKB looks llike running around with those numpyhs. As it happens I'm drunk bujt Bro could watch.
I have a sweet curly tail, Hooey, but a surly disposition. Honestly, how old are u and Yogibare?
u tell 'em, KKB!
Yogibare and hooey might be room mates.
We are,Jean. And we sleep in the same bed with our bassets.
Don't bassets snore a lot?
My name is being taken in VEIN.
At least I'm not some basset's roommate.
At least I'm not in jail.
The Eye On The Park...
Dateline Paris, France:
Hi again Sis,
It's Blue Girl -- Oh, I've officially changed it to "Bleu" -- just so you'll know. Sounds more French, n'est c'est paw, or whatever.
You're probably surprised to find that I haven't left Paris yet, and I AM planning to head south to find Moxie, my CRUSH of Crushes, but I have sort of met someone. (Not that anyone could EVER change my mind about MOXIE) -- but anyhow, Giles is the SWEETEST dog. (I'm using HIS laptop!)
And he's from a good family -- he's a purebred French bulldog!
Giles was brought up in the suburbs -- in some place that sounds like "Nelly" -- and he hated it. He is a REVOLUTIONARY, and told me that he realized this when he was barely two months old.
Isn't that AWESOME?
During the recent student riots, Giles managed to escape from his smothering environment. I mean, he left all his chew toys and little basket and special treats -- and hopped a ride up to the heart of the city, where he joined a gang of seriously angry bichon frises and now lives under a bridge -- except that kind of like recently, Giles and I have been sharing a room at this really cool canine "pension" -- which is sort of like a boarding house, in case you didn't know.
Giles is sooooo French, and if I don't get down south for ANY REASON at all, or just can't find Moxie -- well, who knows? Maybe Giles and I will connect permanently, although he says he doesn't believe in it -- but like I said, whatever.
If you're not still mad at me, could you send me around a thousand bowsers? I've maxed out most of your credit cards, and since Giles is a dog who refuses to hunt, we kind of need money.
Arf revoir, Sis. And Giles (who's so CHARMANT) sends his special regards.
LUV, "Bleu"
Huh Huh. Fury it does ride this range.
What does that mean, la Johnna? This blog is getting so weirded out. I miss Fiver and Deuce and Punkin. They r the good dogs!
So I guess the rest of us R pit bulls?
Don't knock pit bulls! I get tired of hearing about how BAD pits and dobs and rotts are. It's like with guns. People shoot people USING guns, & people can train there dogs to be nice or vicious.
Or they can train a dog to use a gun?
I am going to sic Mitzy on all of you!
heigh-ho! Bet Mitzy's a killer.
I am an old but dangerous Chow-Chow, meaning I can gum with the best of them.
Take that, Javens and Yogi and HOOEY.
I WAS BITTEN BY A CHOW ONCE. COULD IT BE THAT'S WHY I'M MAD/
people can train their dogs to be nice and mean but sometimes it genetics.
Most dogs r good, I feel, but maybe a few have bad blood. It's hard to say. Unlike people, they seem so innocent.
I have read that some dogs have been bred to be vicious. I am careful of my dogs around certain breeds for ths reason.
People have been breeding dogs for different purposes ever since they bred them down from the wolf. I agree with Jones, but 99% of dogs are friendly and nice.
A whole lot nicer then their human counter parts!
better watch it. Jean'll tear ur heart out, Sandy.
I hate to see entire breeds maligned.
Got it. Javens has a point. The pit bull terrier is almost an outlaw in this country. It is a shame!
Chow-Chows also have undeserved reputations. Some people won't adopt them.
The Eye On The Park...
Dateline Los Angeles:
Carbolana, the flamboyant flamingo who recently identified author Shamus O'Possum to authorities, was rushed to a Beverly Hills bird and animal clinic this afternoon, after being winged by a bullet on a return flight from the San Francisco area, were she was visiting a gaggle of old friends from Canada.
"Oh, coochie coochies," she moaned, when we arrived at her perch, "the bullet took off a couple of my wing feathers. I was in shock and fell like a stone. Right now I can bend my knees in only one direction."
She did look a tad wan as she puffed on one of her fave unfiltered French cigarettes, and dolefully inspected her damaged right wing.
"Could the shooting have been an accident?" we wanted to know.
She swallowed the cigarette and hacked for a moment before replying.
"Unlikely, dearest darlings," she then informed us. "Something blinded me a moment before I felt the whiz of the bullet. No, no, no. Somebody tracked me, got me in his sights, and fired."
"Hmmm," we remarked for no particular reason. "Well, as we're sure you know, there have been attempts on the lives of both Shamus O'Possum and his friend, Lena LaMarr. But those attempts were made with curare darts."
She nodded, her expression becoming mournful. "Of course I know! Coochie coochies, that idiot canine detective considers me capable of such an act. ME!" And she lit another coffin nail.
"I flew up here all the way from Patagonia on my lonesome," she went on, "and did my very best to help Shamus. But what, dearest darlings, did I get for my efforts? I wound up working as a lawn ornament in front of a dinner theater -- and then the final insult. I, Carbolana, get accused of attempted murder."
"Do you have any idea who might be responsible for these atrocious acts?" we asked her.
"Look for those coyotes who dragged him away from the birds who befriended him," she told us. "Trust me on this one."
"Are you planning to stick around for a while?" we asked, "or have you had enough of California?"
"Oh, no, I plan to stay," she replied. "I've always wanted to act, dearest darlings, and I'm not some fly-by-night amateur. I have genuine talent."
They all say that, we thought.
"But there are times when I feel like taking a flying leap off the Hollywood sign."
They all say that, too.
As we were leaving the building through a back window, we spied uber agent Gwendolyn Monk being escorted in the front door.
"I'm here to see Senorita Carbolana," she informed the mouse at the desk. "I have a contract for her to look over."
Developing.....
Do you think anybody will adopt Jean?
The flamingo is a flock-oriented critter, which means Carbolana is a very rare bird if she's flying around the world by herself.
For that matter, how many birds smoke unfiltered French cigarettes?
Hi, Punkin! Oh, I luv Carbolana, or what ever her name is. I like birds. I can't understand why she smokes. I can't understand why anyone smokes, but she is funneee!
I'm still here, and i like birds. Not bird brains.
Jean, maybe it's time to give the man-hating attitude a rest. Sometimes life sucks but give it a rest for now.
But Yogi and Hooey and Javens and the rest of them can say any thing they want about me?
Stick it high, Molly!
You can get more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, Jean.
Tell that to every body else onthe blog!
My sisters are a cocker and a poodle. Things are getting better. Thanx XXXXXX
That's great news, Stacy! Your sisters are much smaller, which might explain why they teased you.
I'm happy you are doing so well.
Where's Karen? Dosen't she love me anymore? Dosen't she like my friend, The ASP?
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Look, people, this is not a blog about ex-cons or ex-husbands or who hates whom -- it's a blog about ME. And I'm a dog -- a little beagle. If you've got a grudge, go elsewhere. LDHD is not a group therapy session for pissed-off humans, and I'm going to keep deleting your messages...the next best thing to whizzing on your foot.
Good going, Lulu. I'd say we all needed that smack.
You've got courage, Lulu. You may lose a few readers.
hooey and bare r gone.
Not so fast, my man.
I always read.
What would we do without you, Ken?
Lily, I like your friend with the strange name, but she is not as pretty as you are. I am biased and like to see pictures only of you, or of you and Spencer. He's alright, but I wish they would do another Lily Fest.
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