Lily is happier times...just after cosmetic surgery~(Photo by J.M. Hilton)
posted by LuLu @ 11:34 PM
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Lily is happier times...just after cosmetic surgery~(Photo by J.M. Hilton)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
About Me
- Name: LuLu
I am a single five-year-old female Beagle, shown here by myself, while my mix-up of a sister sings the praises of mutts on my blog. Well, let her. I have a most intriguing (one might even say lascivious) past, at least according to my autobiography. In a former lifetime I was Queen Elizabeth the Ist of England, and later on (among others) I was Nell Gwynn, Pauline Borghese, Louise Brooks, and eventually just lovable, neurotic, adorable ME. I have a perfectly charming, albeit very annoying, sister named Sadie. She's rarely plagued by conscience, possibly because she's a Sagittarius. To date she has attempted to steal most of my boyfriends, meaning we're quite used to fighting over bones. Sadie and I are the same age, although she's the adopted one. We do have a fair amount of things in common. For example, she was once Mary Queen of Scots, and later on both Barbara Villiers and Marlene Dietrich. Amazingly we get along -- at least when we're before the public~
Previous Posts
- Meanwhile, Spencer signs off on Lincoln Park and o...
- Morey the mutt has a werewolf for an owner and mor...
- The Story Thus Far...
- Is the nightmare finally over for Lily? (Photo by ...
- "Cluzo can't tell his tail from a feather duster!"...
- Annoying author Shamus O'Possum has also vanished ...
- Weird "Lily" body-double stuffed toy showed up on ...
- Retired soldier and soon-to-be mother, Tabitha the...
- Prince Paco and LuLu the beagle expressed "sincere...
- Meanwhile, evil feline Perro de Presa Canario cont...
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The Eye On The Park:
Lily the spaniel, summer queen of Lincoln Park, was rescued last night from a local lakeside spa and rejuvenation center where kidnappers had supposedly been holding her for more than a week.
Guided by the crystal-Kong-ball visions of psychic Madame Spirea, Lincoln Park police broke into a room at the Nip-N-Tuck Canine Castle around 8 p.m. on Sunday, and found Lily fast asleep on a queen-size bed. Minutes later Bippity the bunny, a local war veteran, and Hyacinth the goose, fomerly of the Lincoln Park Army Air Corps, entered the room wearing masks and carrying doggy treats.
Police arrested the bunny on the spot, but his accomplice took to the air and evaded capture. Several hawks have been notified and will be on the lookout for her until dawn, when the field mice leave their burrows.
"We didn't do anything to her," protested Bippity, "and we were just playing a game of 'Guess Who's Zorro,' which should explain the masks, when the cops nabbed us."
Bippity admitted that he and Hyacinth did abduct Lily from the Betty Ford Annex for Smacked Out Spaniels, hoping to hold her until Prince Regent Paco de Shepherd agreed to pay the two of them for their recent military service.
"But Lily is smarter than she looks," Bippity went on, "and pretty soon she was calling the shots. She paid us to bring her back here so she could get a chin lift and a series of tummy rubs," he insisted. "We certainly never planned to hurt her," he added.
Meanwhile, after a quickie phone call to the office of Attorney Dacia the schnauzer, Lily went back to bed.
Moments later Monica Ferret, Esquire, assistant to the canine legal whiz, dropped out of a tree.
"Our client denies having had any type of cosmetic surgery," she informed TEOTP. "Otherwise, she has no comment whatsoever."
"By the way," she said to a passing intern, "do you think Angelina Jolie lips would look over the top on a ferret?"
(Developing.....)
Whatever happened to Wendy the chipmunk? She was attacked by a cat in another story, and groped by Spencer earlier this year. She was chased by coyotes or something, wasn't she -- and she's not dead? She ought to come back as Wonder Chipmunk and take over Lincoln Park.
Wendy is still alive? Oh, wiat.
I remember Lulu said she was a couple of weeks ago. It's the possum that got killed.
The Eye On The Park:
Dear Readers,
As always, the Eye is here to assist you by clarifying matters. Hence, without further ado, allow us to reintroduce you to some of the characters appearing on this blog of recent date, and to explain the role of each in our ongoing story:
LULU THE BEAGLE is our blog hostess. She is also in love with King Rockie the Labrador, who is currently away a.)on a crusade, or b.) partying down for the summer. Lulu is helping Prince Regent Paco de Shepherd to restore law and order to idyllic Lincoln Park.
PRINCE REGENT PACO DE SHEPHERD is a hot-looking police dog with degrees in both criminology and canine politics. He is the acting regent of Lincoln Park, having grasped the leash when Summer King (a temporary position) Spencer the spaniel was taken prisoner and brainwashed by the evil cat financier Perro de Presa Canario.
SPENCER THE SPANIEL is a former grand passion of LuLu's who has a knack for losing his temper and getting into trouble. He was recently accused of groping Wendy the chipmunk, but his lawyer got him off by bringing a series of unlicensed dogs to town to support him. When he went down to the Cayman Islands for a rest, he was brainwashed and sent off to work as a stingray herder. Meanwhile, his evil twin Nigel grasped control of the government in his absence, and also started sleeping with Spencer's crate mate, Lily. Rescued by LuLu and Rockie, Spencer is now in a psycho ward, attempting to recover his sanity. When last heard from, he was into mermaid fantasies and cross-dressing.
LILY THE SPANIEL is a beautiful little cavalier with something of a dim-bulb approach to life. She is happiest when she is the center of attention, although she's willing to defer to Spencer -- usually, which makes her the most perfect political wife since Princess Diana. Lovely Lily recently suffered a complete nervous breakdown combined with puppy dog substance abuse. (It's whispered that she tried catnip.)She checked into the Betty Ford Annex for Smacked Out Spaniels, only to be abducted a short time later by Bippity the bunny and Hyacinth the goose, two military veterans, who planned to hold her for ransom in the form of their back pay. Hardly as dumb as she looks, Lily convinced the pair to take her to a clinic where she could get a chin lift and tummy rubs. She was "rescued" by the Lincoln Park police just the other night.
MADAME SPIREA THE PSYCHIC is Lily's eccentric aunt. She is a salty old dog who relies a lot on perspicuity. She enjoys hanging out with the spirit of Bullet the Wonder Dog, and her "visions" recently led police to her missing niece.
WENDY THE CHIPMUNK has been around for ages. She was a double agent in our very first blog story, and wound up getting carried off by an angry cat. Obviously she lived to tell the tale. Groped by Spencer, she hired a ferret to defend her in court, but got chased back into the woods by a pack of angry dogs.
Since Wendy lives for litigation and revenge, we're likely to keep her around forever.
DIXIE CAVALIER (AKA THE ASP) is a cute little spaniel who wants to rule the world...at least the Lincoln Park part of it. Dixie, who believes she was both Mary Queen of Scots and Eva Peron in previous lifetimes, despises LuLu because she was once Queen Elizabeth I of England, and gave her the ax. The Asp is a born troublemaker who was recently engaged to hapless writer/revolutionary Shamus O'Possum.
SHAMUS O'POSSUM is a local marsupial menace. Basically an idealist, Shamus wants idyllic Lincoln Park to be a Utopia for everybody...not just canines. He's a failed writer, a failed revolutionary, and he may have just been murdered.
OK, let's pause for a moment so our typist doesn't come down with dreaded carpal dewclaw.
The Eye On The Park continues:
DACIA THE SCHNAUZER is a Yale law school graduate and the Lincoln Park fashion maven. Dacia has her own limousine, a paw in every pie, and she only shops at such upscale doggie boutiques as The Gilded Paw in West Lawn, PA, Chicago's Barker and Meowsky, and New York's own HandsNPaws. Dacia has a high IQ, and is likely to one day own Lincoln Park, if she doesn't already.
MONICA FERRET, ESQUIRE is Dacia the Schnauzer's assistant. A clever young attorney, she made the mistake of defending a fellow non-domesticate, Wendy the chipmunk, against the canine upper class...but she obviously learned her lesson. Since signing on with Dacia, she's been shopping the boutiques and learning to love the good life. Her next step? Cosmetic surgery, mainly lip augmentation.
THE COYOTES RUSH AND RANDHI are two bad boys who talk a good fight.
They are also into hip hop and "brake dancing" in front of cars, which means they are daredevils to a certain degree.
STYLISH LOLA is a former Shih-Tzu showgirl who is likely to soon leave town with her honey of the moment, Colonel Mango the Shar-Pei, although she was once involved with General Mondo Simba, presently the Asp's main bark.
MISS GRACIE the Shih-Tzu is a Paris Hilton socialite type with a definite mind of her own.
TANNER THE LEASH PULLER is a mix-it-up Curdog/Beagle blend who's adored by the bitches
SNOTS CLUZO is a cute but dimwitted Interpup inspector.
BELLE and VINNEY are two adorable puppies.
TABITHA THE CAT is a pregnant feline who appears to be all that's left of the Great Cat Army, sent by Perro de Presa Canario to invade Lincoln Park.
THE TWO IAGOS are a couple of Pugs who each accuse LuLu (who does like the boys) of mothering their pups. A puzzle of a puggle? LuLu claims she's never been pregnant.
CHICO AND SPUNQUITO are two little Chihuahuas with an agenda of their own.
NESTLE, SONY, MAGGIE, BENJI, GINGER, ALEX, PEPPER, SMOKEY, Etc., are all friends of LuLu's and Rockie's.
And finally there's KING ROCKIE himself -- a handsome, well-formed Labrador who has flirtatious LuLu's heart (if not always her fidelity), and the respect of his adoring subjects....usually.
Granted, there are plenty of other characters around Lincoln Park, but we can only mention the majority or risk passing out from exhaustion over the computer.
Now, dear readers, admit it. Our tails of Lincoln Park are no more involved than most 6,000-page Russian novels -- or your daily soap operas.
(Developing.....)
Thanks for the memories. I thot I was keeping up but I'd slipped a few. Wendy was a spy before? I missed that part.
Thanks, Fiver, and we apologize for any gaffes and typos -- i.e.,
"friends of LuLu's and Rockie's" instead of "friends of LuLu and Rockie"... and the usual misplaced commas.
Many of our mistakes are intentional, of course, like one discovered in a very funny article years ago: "He messed up his paper and fell into a comma."
Hope you continue to enjoy the story~
Do Lu realy write books too?
Oh, Rockie, I am counting the days. It's no fun HERE without you! At least we get to go for walks -- but nobody knows how to fetch sticks the way you do. Tanner tries, and so does Miss Gracie, but something is just missing. I dunno. The way you cock your head? The way you bark off-key? The memory of all that? No, no...they can't take that away from me.
Much love, LuLu~
Not an original line, Lu!
Bite my dewclaw, Hooey!
The Eye On The Park:
TEOTP learned tonight that Madame Spirea, psychic reader and aunt of Lily the spaniel, was questioned by Lincoln Park police yesterday regarding her role in what is now being referred to as the "Lily Gate" scandal.
"The deal is this," explained police chief Dunwall Doberman, "Lily the spaniel may have been abducted contrary to her knowledge by Bippity the bunny and Hyacinth the Goose, or she may have been abducted with what we call full consent. It's like she jumped over the fence and didn't use the gate, you know?" he added with a snicker.
"Get on with it, Dunwall," we told him, "and can the corny jokes. That one's so bad, it never would have played on That Seventies Show."
"OK," he said, swallowing his pride along with a piece of beef jerky. "The deal is this, Lily might not have been abducted at all, and this here Madame Spirea might've known what she was up to the whole time. She later helped us find Lily through a series of visions. She said! But how do we know this wasn't just some game she was playing in order to grab the reward?"
"What reward?" asked Madame Spirea a short time later, when we contacted her through mental telepathy. "Dunwall is as much of a twit as that silly Interpup inspector, Snots Cluzo.
"The spirit of Bullet the Wonder Dog guided me to the exact spot where my niece was holed up," she continued, "and what reward are you talking about?"
"Ask Bullet the Wonder Dog," TEOTP suggested, and two of our reporters were instantly turned into guinea pigs. Fortunately for us, they were only interns.
(Developing...)
Hi, Rockie, I just want you to know that everybody here in Lincoln Park misses you oodles.
Much love, the Asp~~~
King Rockie,
General Simba here to rather underscore what my fiancee, Dixie Cavalier, just wrote. We do miss you. All of us. To a dog. Of course I hope you won't misinterpret Dixie's gushings. That is to say, we both know what women are about, eh? They're so easily swept off their paws and all of that. Not that my Dixie doesn't have a keen enough little head on her shoulders. Ahem. Well, I hope things aren't going too awfully for you up there on the front lines, old man, and we do look forward to seeing you back home in Lincoln Park...several long months in the future.
Your faithful servant,
General Mondo Simba
Lincoln Park Army/Army Air Corps/Full Kennel Review
The Eye On The Park:
This just in! Two small Chihuahuas were picked up minutes ago by a pair of night owls from the Lincoln Park Army Air Corps. The dogs were spotted over by the old sandbox -- the one across the lake, on top of the big hill. Both dogs inexplicably tried to run away from their rescuers, who swooped down, lifted them into the air, and immediately flew the struggling canines to the local animal ER for observation.
According to Lt. Roxanna Raptor, she heard one of the dogs mumble, "Hay un cuerpo," before he passed out in terror.
"I believe that means 'there is a body' in Spanish," she said, "so my partner and I are going back for a second look."
The other dog reportedly kept asking to be taken to Salma Hayek's house. "I think they thought they were in the desert or something," Lt. Raptor added. "The whole situation was, like, totally bizarre."
(Developing...but probably manana. And I wish we could put the squiggle on top of the "n" -- but we ain't that computer literate.)
Anon...Do I really write books?
Do fish ride bicycles, dear?
Thank you, Lulu, for this wonderful picture of Lily. How nice it must feel to be so relaxed and look it.
Do fish ride bicycles, Lu?
LOL.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Lulu, I posted and got your name. How did that happen?
I don't know, Fiver, but I was just trying to post. I pushed "preview" and your message came up. Then I pushed DELETE. I'm sorry.
No harm done, Lulu. Wanted to tell everybody that I'm going out of town and may meet some women.
Fiver,
Have a good time, and good luck!
And I'm still trying to figure out how the name thing happened. I think this blog is possessed. First the pictures...now this, and all in one week.
What I want to say is: Dixie Cavalier, stop trying to bird dog my boyfriend!
Now that's said~
And this is LuLu posting.
I understood not a word of what Fiver and Lulu were talking about.
Hi Karen, Its me Lily. I wondered what happened to you. I missed you. My birthday is coming up on June 18 and to celebrate Lulu is planning a pictorial Lilyfest. I want her to dedicate it to you, my #1 fan.
The Eye On The Park:
Marsupial Menace Shamus O'Possum is alive! Not only alive, but alive and reasonably well, according to doctors at the local animal ER tonight.
Mr. O'Possum's inert carcass was discovered early this morning in the old sandbox across the lake by Lt. Roxanna Raptor of the Lincoln Park Army Air Corps, after a tipoff from Spunquito the Chihuahua, who, along with a friend named Chico, was rescued earlier last evening from the same location by Lt. Raptor and her partner, Lt. Basil Barnscreech.
Both Chihuahuas are resting comfortably at the ER, while awaiting a full interrogation by the local police.
According to Mr O'Possum, he was simply "playing possum" after being kidnapped outside a Lincoln Park bookstore several days ago by two cute pugs named Iago. He was, he said, "happy slapped" until his head was spinning, and then buried in the sand.
"We possums aren't dumb," he told TEOTP earlier. "We play possum in order to ward off attacks by predators, who assume we're dead. In this case, it worked, and the pugs went away. Considering all that's happened to me of late, I decided to go with my gut and just kept playing possum. I actually had a nice dream about being back in my mother's pouch -- before she dumped me on my head and ran off with a woodchuck."
"That bum was just tryin' to get outta paying his rent!" squeaked Mr. O'Possum's landlord, Binky the squirrel, "or hide out from his book publisher -- or both!"
But according to Shamus O'Possum, nothing could be almost further from the truth.
"I was set upon by hooligans," he insisted, "and as they left me there in the sand, I heard them mention the name of my former fiancee -- Miss Dixie Cavalier."
Of course TEOTP broke all records getting hold of the Asp, who denied any knowledge of Mr. O'Possum's recent whereabouts, and told us to phone legal whiz Dacia the schnauzer -- or her assistant, Monica Ferret, Esquire, who's going to need an assistant herself, if things keep going the way they have been around here.
"That bounder of an opossum stalked Dixie for a while," an indignant General Mondo Simba informed us, while attempting to console his yelping fiancee. "By dog! He'd better not show his little rat face around here unless he wants to wind up back in that sandbox...and this time he won't be playing possum!"
(Developing....)
Hi, Rockie, it's Dixie Cavalier again, and have I got some news for you? Remember Tanner the leash puller? Hot curdog-beagle mix? Some of the girls call him "James Dean"? Well, he and your sweetie LuLu really have a thing going. A big thing. Tonight behind the pavilion in the park...well, I blush just thinking about it.
Rockie, those two dogs were all over each other, and after they were finished "wrestling," they started chasing sticks together. They were having a wonderful time and ignoring everybody else -- ME, for example.
I was absolutely shocked, and want you to know that I feel your pain.
Now I'm off to get hold of Miss Gracie the shih-tzu. Tanner is officially her boyfriend, you know?
Oh, me! The perfidy of it all!
Your very good and caring friend -- the Asp
Lilyfest? Now that sounds like fun! How come Karen gets a dedication when Anonymous doesn't, however? Does that seem fair?
Annie, the dogs have their own world. Make it better than ours.
Hi Anpn, its me Lily. WHY? Because Karen loves me!
Lily honey,
You are right. I love you very much and so does my sister. We are looking forward to your fest in June and wish it could be earlier.
We will tell our friends. Happy birthday early, Lily. Love, Karen.
Lily's hair tickles me, 'tho I guess its her ear. She is the dog who most resembles an actress.
Rockie,
No, it isn't -- at least not the way the Asp tells it. Tanner is Gracie's paw squeeze of the moment. "James Dean" and I were just playing sticks together, sort of the way humans play tennis...or mud wrestle. And that's all.
I miss you, Rockie, and can't wait for you to come back home. Every single time I roll in goose poop or gnaw on a piece of wood, I think of you...and hope YOU are being faithful to ME.
Piles and piles of puppy love, your bo-delicious baby beagle...LuLu.
By the way, I understand the Asp may have tried to delete her former main squeeze, the possum. Now there's a girl whose bark you can bank on!
Don't be upset, Rockie. Lulu does love you truly.
The Eye On The Park:
Prince Regent Paco de Shepherd today asked that all charges be dropped against Bippity the bunny and Hyacinth the goose (who flew back into town last night and surrendered herself to Lincoln Park police, after telling them she knew she was going to lay an egg.)
Further, in deference to Lily the spaniel, summer queen of Lincoln Park, the prince agreed to shell out for their back military pay from his own stash of very green lettuce and the office chicken feed fund.
"Bippity and Hyacinth broke the law when they kidnapped Lily," the prince acknowledged, "but since she went along with the abduction, and has since added the flop-ear and the goose to her household staff, I'm willing to drop any and all charges, but not another cent," concluded the prince, who is known to be tight with the bowsers.
According to LuLu the beagle, the prince also (albeit grudgingly) agreed to paw over a $500 gift certificate from the Gilded Paw to Lily's eccentric aunt, Madame Spirea, who supposedly located her missing niece via a series of crystal-Kong-ball visions and help from her spirit advisor, Bullet the Wonder Dog.
In turn, Madame S. handed over the gift certificate to recovering Chihuahuas Spunquito and Chico, who found missing author and public nuisance Shamus O'Possum in the old sandbox.
"Bullet the Wonder Dog recently clued me in on a really hot stock," she confided to TEOTP, "so I don't need the reward."
"What is this stock?" we wanted to know, mainly as we sure don't make much writing for this cheap-o blog...but the old bat refused to tell us.
"Insider trading is OK only if one of the parties is dead, dears," she explained with a knowing wink and a wicked grin.
TEOTP next visited the local animal ER to interview Spunquito and Chico, who said they had never heard of the Gilded Paw.
"We were crossing thee deesert to find Salma Hayek," moaned a badly sunburned Chico.
"We were crossing thee deesert to find Lily," insisted his companion.
"You two dolts were crossing a sandbox," snapped Monica Ferret, Esquire, who happened to stop by the clinic to pick up some pain medication, following lip augmentation surgery at the Nip-N-Tuck Canine Castle.
"Is that a gift certificate from the Gilded Paw?" she asked through lips more swollen than Ken Lay's bank account used to be, and without waiting for an answer, pounced upon it.
"Those two dogs will never use it," she added, rewarding us with a sickly smile from her strawberry Jell-O-molded lips.
"That was not Salma Hayek?" questioned Chico from his sickbed.
"Uh, no," we told him. "Definitely not."
(Cautiously developing...)
The Eye On The Park:
This just in!!
Dixie Cavalier, also known as the Asp, has been arrested for the attempted murder of Marsupial Man, Shamus O'Possum, who, it just so happens, is her ex-fiance. (Ooooh! Don't you just love the really juicy news?)
Sobbing as she was taken into police custody tonight, Ms. Cavalier was accompanied to the slammer by her current fiance, General Mondo Simba, and her lawyer, Dacia the schnauzer, who was wearing a pink floral hibiscus dress from (where else?), and her client was clad in a very provocative orange sleeveless sundress, also from you-know-where.
"This is an appalling miscarriage of justice!" cried the Asp. "I didn't do it."
"Of course you didn't, my dear," commented her lawyer, while patting her paw consolingly. "You dress much too well."
(Gleefully developing....)
Hi, Jole, and thanks for your posting. We do try to make the "animal world" a little better than our own, but our blog title IS LuLu's Desperate House Dogs.
Still, we remain a far cry from a place called Wisteria Lane. Our critters rarely, if ever, get killed off. They may get kidnapped, buried in sandboxes, or tossed into jail from time to time, but they return to bark, meow, and squeak anew.
Glad you stopped by, and hope you'll keep coming back~
Enjoy a good Memorial Day weekend, Lulu's Desperate House Dogs.
Will Lu be a member of a Lincoln Park pit crew this weekend?
Rockie is the dog whooz in the pits.
The Eye On The Park:
TEOTP learned late this afternoon that Dixie Cavalier (AKA the Asp)
was released from the Lincoln Park jail early this morning, after "imploring her captors to grant her liberty," according to Monica Ferret, Esquire, spokesperson for Dacia the schnauzer, Ms. Cavalier's lawyer.
"The fact of the matter is, she went her bail," said Lincoln Park Police Chief Dunwall Doberman. "There was no imploring. Ms. Cavalier spent only three hours here at police headquarters, and she spent it snapping and snarling. She was highly uncooperative."
"The Asp was still wearing that really cute orange sundress she had on when she arrived last night," eyewitness Maud Morkie disclosed, "and she was clutching a little lace hanky in her paw and wiping her eyes with it. She and her snooty boyfriend, General Simba, got into Dacia's limousine and sped off, but I found the hanky on the curb, and would you believe it was dry as a bone?"
Ms. Cavalier was arrested by Lincoln Park police late last night and charged with the attempted murder of local crackpot Shamus O'Possum.
"So if he'd died, maybe they'd have given her a medal?" mused Ms. Morkie. "I read his last book, you know, and can't really say she did a bad thing....."
(Developing...)
The Eye On The Park:
This just in!!
Bumbles and Tramp (AKA the two Iagos) have confessed to the Lincoln Park police that they did indeed kidnap and "happy slap" writer, etc., Shamus O'Possum, and leave him for dead in the old sandbox over by the lake because they were "following the orders" of Ms. Dixie Cavalier, who is better known as the Asp.
According to the pugs, the Asp
also conned them into slandering LuLu the beagle and attempting to drive the flat end of a pooper scooper between her and her inamorato, Rockie the Lab, the current King-in-absentia of Lincoln Park.
"We were little more than mushed peanut butter between the Asp's delicate paws," admitted Tramp, his huge dark eyes misting over. "She utterly beguiled us," he added, with a shake of his little round head.
Bumbles nodded in agreement. "That's why we tried to, you know, portray LuLu as a bawdy beagle bagel."
"Bawdy beagle BAGGAGE," Tramp corrected.
"Oh, right. What he said," concluded Bumbles, sounding almost articulate enough to take it on the road with Tony Blair.
"Arrest the wench!" demanded Shamus O'Possum, Ms. Cavalier's former fiance. "That bitch tried to kill me...and worse, she broke my melancholy marsupial heart."
TEOTP raced to the Asp's abode -- actually managing to arrive there ahead of the police, I'm delighted to report....but when we knocked, the doghouse door was opened by none other than Dacia the schnauzer, wearing a Doggiduds classic khaki trench coat from HandsNPaws of New York.
"I'm afraid Ms. Cavalier is not here," she informed us, smiling with the warmth of a shark.
"Where is she?" asked TEOTP and the Lincoln Park coppers almost as one.
"Springfield," replied the beautifully dressed Yale Law School grad.
Springfield????
Dunwall Doberman was the first in the pack to get it. "Springfield recently passed a new law," he said. "They will no longer extradite bad dogs seeking asylum to Lincoln Park."
So the Asp is....
"Free," flatly stated her lawyer, "and I want to let you know that she left wearing a stylish ladybug tank from Barker and Meowsky.
"Now, would anyone like to share a bowl of liver pate with me?"
(Developing....burp.)
Rockie....
Sweethocks, I hope you're reading the blog tonight, because maybe now you'll believe your little beagle bagel.
I mean, beagle baggage.
Oh, you know what I mean!
Love, LuLu~
Gotta love that girl, King Rockie.
Rain, rain, rain. I hope the sun is eternally shining in utopian Lincoln Park?
The Eye On The Park:
TEOTP learned today that Lord Mondo Simba (formerly General/Lord Mondo Simba) has renounced his commission in the Lincoln Park Army to "follow his heart."
In a brief, non-tailwagger of an interview, Prince Regent Paco de Shepherd curtly announced that Lord Simba phoned him early this morning and told him he could not continue to carry out his difficult duties without the "help and support" of the bitch he loves.
Only last night TEOTP (and all of her neighbors) learned that Dixie Cavalier (also known as the Asp), was about to be charged (again!) with the attempted murder of that putz Shamus O'Possum, as well as with the blackening of LuLu the beagle's already sordid reputation.
In order to save her skin and some adorable designer duds, the Asp jumped bail and fled to Springfield, which recently passed a non-extradition law, declaring they would not send bad dogs back to Lincoln Park -- no way, no how. huh-uh.
"Does this mean Lord Simba will go into exile and move in with the Asp?" we asked the prince. "Does it mean he'll give up everything to live in some pathetic kennel in -- gag, gasp -- SPRINGFIELD?"
"Get over yourself," said the prince to this reporter, and padded resolutely from the throne
room.
(My, my. It sounds as if somebody needs to work on a few unresolved issues of his own, doesn't it?)
TEOTP then interviewed Lord Simba's onetime finacee, former showgirl Lola the shih-tzu, who recently got leash locked to that hot-looking shar-pei up and comer, Colonel Mango.
"What do you think of Lord Simba relinquishing his commission?" we asked her.
"Why, I wish him only the best," she lied through her canines, "and I'm sure my juicy Mango-wango does too," she went on, as a panting Colonel Mango arrived with a brand new set of expensive luggage
(Colonel Mango was recently promoted and given a new commission in one of the better parts of New Jersey.)
"I imagine Mondo's life with a girl who thinks it's all about her will be sheer hell," Lola went on, "but he chewed his tether, jumped over the fence, and now he'll have to make the best of it."
She rubbed noses with the Colonel and nibbled at his ear. "Did you remember to pack all my chew toys, Mangie?"
"Yes, dear."
"And what about my cute little blue-and-white water bowl and my puppy blanket?"
"Yes, dear."
"Oh, and my favorite binky..."
"Good luck, you two," said TEOTP and returned home to read LuLu the beagle's latest "Puppies In Lust" novel.
Sigh.
(What is there to develop?)
Has Lulu really written a book?
Oh, I think King Rockie loves me, everybody, but like most couples, we have our share of problems, and I'm not talking just about fleas and ticks.
Currently we're miles apart, and that puts a strain on any relationship, leash locked or not, and we're not leash locked...yet.
It is sunny and bright outside, Jole. I went over to the park earlier and rolled and rolled and rolled.
Then you-know-who brought me home and gave me a bath...only she didn't call it a bath, because she didn't use shampoo. HA! I got thrown in the tub and drenched with water. THAT is a bath.
Enough. Thank you, all of you, for reading our silly blog, and remember our troops, both canine and human, who made great weekends like this possible for us
Love and Licks....LuLu~
The Eye On The Park:
TEOTP has learned that the two pugs named Iago (AKA Bumbles and Tramp), along with Chihuahuas Spunquito and Chico, plus coyotes Rush and Randhi, all plan to go into business together and start a production company.
"We're calling it Diz Temper Productions," said Tramp the pug, who along with his bumbling buddy Bumbles, was released from jail late last night.
"Since we're such a diverse group simply amongst ourselves," added Rush the coyote (or maybe it was Randhi), "we are planning to get our paws wet doing some controversial wrap art."
"Are we talking like Snoop Dogg and Ludacris?" TEOTP wanted to know.
Tramp shook his little round head. "No, we're talking Christo and Jeanne-Claude, the pair who WRAP walkways and bridges."
"They who recently did The Gates in Central Park," Rush (or Randhi) eludicated further.
"Oh, right," we agreed. "Those wrap artists. So what are they going to wrap in Lincoln Park?"
"We weel eemport Salma Hayek and they weel wrap her," piped up Chico, who was quickly growled down by Bumbles, but Chico got even by nipping him in the ankle.
"We'll have to let the artists decide," said Tramp, "but the possibilities are limitless."
"More than limitless," emphasized Rush (or Randhi) with a thumping tail wag.
TEOTP then beat a path to the door of Prince Regent Paco de Shepherd's throne room, where he and LuLu the beagle were engaged in something of a snap-and-snarl. (Guess it was a good thing we interrupted, huh?)
"What do you think of the Iagos, the Chihuahuas, and the coyotes forming a production company and hiring artists to wrap Lincoln Park?" we asked breathlessly.
"I'm glad those dogs found work," the prince replied. "Now don't get your tails caught in the door on your way out."
Well! And since when did our village autocrat become the boss of the PRESS? I mean, shouldn't there be a law against that sort of thing?
(Developing? Eh. I think I'll just go overboard on the dog treats, and finish reading 'Puppies in Lust' by LuLu the beagle. Sometimes nothing lifts the spirits better than fatty foods and soft porn.)
There's no freedom of the press in idyllic Lincoln Park?
Where can I get Lulu's book?
LUV ^ PIX ((:=0
(=:(
A smile is a frown turned upside down? LOL.
The Eye On The Park:
Having nothing better to do, TEOTP interviewed writer, revolutionary, philosopher, lecturer, and local annoyance Shamus O'Possum this afternoon. He is, no surprise, writing another book to be published hot on the failure of his disastrous veiled autobiography, "From the Leaf Pile."
TEOTP: "What's this new page ripper called?"
O'Possum: "'From the Dog Pile.' I'm not a variation kind of guy when it comes to titles. I'm like Sue Grafton. You know -- 'A is for Albatross."
TEOTP: "Sue Grafton wrote a book called 'A is for Albatross'?"
O'Possum: "I mean, she's into the alphabet thing. Me, I'm into piles."
TEOTP: "Well, the book certainly sounds unpromising enough. What's it about?"
O'Possum: "Revolution, murder, insanity, treachery and cross-species dating. In other words, it's a love story."
TEOTP: "We've heard the book is based on your troubled relationship with canine fugitive Dixie Cavalier, also known as the Asp. Is that true?"
O'Possum: "Only in a very loose and roundabout way. By that I mean, there is a character in the book who strongly resembles Ms. Cavalier, but she's shoved under a train in chapter two, so the book certainly does not revolve around her or her overweening sense of self."
TEOTP: "But what about the character of Scarlet Knight, who first appears in chapter three? You describe her as a Cavalier King Charles spaniel, and that is Ms. Cavalier's breed, isn't it?"
O'Possum: "Oh, all right. There's also a slight resemblance there, but Scarlet Knight is savaged by bears at the end of chapter six, and thus ends her importance to the plot. Her insatiable need to be in control of every given situation is delightfully obliterated by a good swipe from a grizzly's paw." (He chuckled.)
TEOTP: "Hmmm. Well, what about Serena Supercilious, also a spaniel, who breaks the heart of the main character in chapter eight? She certainly sounds a lot like Ms. Cavalier. A pity about the bomb in her crate on the night before her wedding to the billionaire, though. Wow. Talk about a pen dipped in vengeance."
O'Possum: "OK, OK. So maybe I did base the book on my rat-puke romance with Ms. Cavalier. Where do you think most authors get their ideas? Granted, these days a lot of them plagiarize their stuff, but unless they work for a major newspaper, they don't just make it up."
Mr. O'Possum told us that he does not as yet have a publisher for his book, which is likely to top 900 pages, if he doesn't run out of ink.
"But almost anyone can find a publisher if they look under enough rocks," he concluded hopefully.
(We're not really developing this one, mainly as we might want to look under one or two of those rocks ourselves in the near future...if we don't run out of ink or local color....)
Love all your wonderful doggie photos. They remind us of the real dogs that we see out the windows. How do you do that????????? Where do you get their accessories? We've run out of places to shop.
Charlie Chaplin, Ringo, Carmen and Lola
Momma Cat,
You mean you haven't read our gushings about The Gilded Paw, Barker and Meowsky, or HandsNPaws?
All three of the above are online. Just pop any or all in SEARCH and go for it.
And thank you for the nice compliment~
You may soon hear from Rebecca and Roweena, two GIRL Corgis from Minnesota. After so, so long, I hit pay dirt.
Good for you, Fiver. Are you leash hooked? Leash locked?
Not. I like them both, Molly. Besides, they live kind of far away from me.
Sounds like your water bowl runneth over, Fiver.
Corgis suck!
Right up yours! Firbawl.
Nice to hear from you again, Firbawl.
Mondo Mouse is gonna get you, Firbawl. Say CHEEZE~
Not this again. LOL.
Where are you, Firbawl? Macro Mouse is waiting for you. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty......
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Come on, Hooey, you can do better than that!
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OK...Firbawl guzzles, swigs, swills, gulps, and/or sucks. This is getting really, really boring.
Malfunctioned?
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