Queen Lily and King Spencer in happier days. (Photo by J.M. Hilton)
posted by LuLu @ 11:17 PM
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
Friday, April 28, 2006
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
About Me
- Name: LuLu
I am a single five-year-old female Beagle, shown here by myself, while my mix-up of a sister sings the praises of mutts on my blog. Well, let her. I have a most intriguing (one might even say lascivious) past, at least according to my autobiography. In a former lifetime I was Queen Elizabeth the Ist of England, and later on (among others) I was Nell Gwynn, Pauline Borghese, Louise Brooks, and eventually just lovable, neurotic, adorable ME. I have a perfectly charming, albeit very annoying, sister named Sadie. She's rarely plagued by conscience, possibly because she's a Sagittarius. To date she has attempted to steal most of my boyfriends, meaning we're quite used to fighting over bones. Sadie and I are the same age, although she's the adopted one. We do have a fair amount of things in common. For example, she was once Mary Queen of Scots, and later on both Barbara Villiers and Marlene Dietrich. Amazingly we get along -- at least when we're before the public~
Previous Posts
- The Story Thus Far....
- Vinney the standard poodle enjoys a good joke abou...
- Morey the Mutt has a werewolf for an owner and a c...
- Spencer's got a bold plan to hold onto his crown a...
- Corgi One:"If this wouldn't moider a nest of rats,...
- Corgi Two: "You're right, cariad. One minute we're...
- Meanwhile..."We made it across the border, amigo. ...
- The Story Thus Far...
- Dacia, a giant schnauzer with years of legal exper...
- King-in-waiting Spencer has been accused of cheati...
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Hi, LuLu. Remember me?
The Eye On The Park:
Rumors continued to circulate today about Spencer the spaniel not being Spencer the spaniel ... and if Spencer the spaniel is not Spencer the spaniel, then where IS Spencer the spaniel?
"Go pick a peck of pickled peppers," Madame Spirea, Lily the spaniel's eccentric aunt, told us earlier. "We have no comment."
Lily, who admitted to being on a "mild medication," tried several times to iterate the statement, but couldn't get past a peck.
"Why, of course I'm Spencer, y'all," insisted the ruddy canine by Lily's side. "Why, slap your grandma! Who else would I be?"
"Spencer doesn't have a southern accent," pointed out Hannah, a savvy shih tzu.
"And he's not that friendly," observed Nestle, a with-it French poodle.
"Spencer is a sex maniac who will jump on any female who twitches!" declared Ginger, a Pomeranian. "That dog with Lily is NOT Spencer."
TEOTP was unable to contact Dacia the schnauzer, Spencer's lawyer and spokescanine.
(Developing.....)
In other park news, Dixie Cavalier (also known as the Asp) was seen padding through the park with an unidentified male pug this afternoon. Local author, lecturer, dumpster diver and revolutionary Shamus O'Possum got into a heated discussion with the pug, who then attacked him. Two coyotes, Rush and Randhi, got into the fray. Mr. O'Possum was taken to the ER by animal control officers. He was later arrested for violating a restraining order placed against him by Ms. Cavalier.
This is the Lily my sister and I want to see. Thank you very much.
The Eye On The Park:
Extra! Extra! Read all about it!
Evidently the truth will out, at least occasionally.
TEOTP learned today that Spencer the spaniel is NOT Spencer the spaniel, as rumors have had it. Spencer the Spaniel is currently visiting his friend, Perro de Presa Canario, and staying on the elusive financier's Cayman Islands estate.
"The stress of the sexual harassment suit, not to mention the responsiblities associated with kingship, were a tad too much," said the summer king's spokesperson, Dacia the schnauzer, in an almost insultingly brief interiew this afternoon.
"He needed a vacation."
Ms. Schnauzer was wearing a cherry ruffle hoodie from Barker & Meowsky of Chicago when she stepped from her limousine to give TEOTP the time of day.
So...who is sleeping in Spencer's crate with Lily these days?
"It's his twin brother, Nigel, a roustabout from Texas," Ms. Schnauzer vaguely explained. "Now I really must be going. I've got to be at a charity event with a bunch of other bitches."
Ms. Schnauzer gave no indication as to when Spencer the spaniel might return to Lincoln Park; all attempts to get in touch with Lily, Nigel, and Madame Spirea met with a busy signal.
Perro de Presa Canario, about whom little is known, is rumored to have links to the notorious Bone-and-Claw Society, as well as several shady kibble cartels.
(Developing.....)
Seen in the park today:
Dixie Cavalier, also known as the Asp, attempting to get used to her new gentle lead, while being spied upon by Shamus O'Possum, who was hiding behind a pine tree.
(By the way, we love the "Marsupials for Marx" T-shirt, Shamus. A shame about the fractured skull and the casts on both legs.)
Meanwhile, good luck, Dixie, with the gentle lead. We know you don't like to be restrained in any way, but please believe us when we tell you it really is for your own good~
Iago, I have never heard of you and wish you would stop insinuating that I have. My boyfriend is going to be leaving town in a few short days, but he'll be back in a couple of months. If you're still here when he gets back, you're gonna to be in trouble. In fact, you'd better cut out on the double, or he'll be comin' after you. For that matter, I may come after you myself.
Now, scram!
The pug is after Lulu and the Asp?
There walks one lucky dog!
Or a dog howling for heartbreak.
Fiver,
Would you be willing to do something just a teensy bit illegal for me?
YES, YES, YES! OH THIS IS WONDERFUL NEWS ABOUT SPENCER. WE HOPE ALL THOSE DOGS GET THEIRS.
BY THE WAY, LULU, WHICH IAGO, OR SHOULD WE ASK WHICH PUG, IS THE FATHER OF YOUR PUGGLE?
GUESS IT'S A PUZZLE, EH?
LOL IN THE LITTER BOX!
The Eye On The Park:
The news is out, and it is a tail twitcher. TEOTP has uncovered the awful truth about Spencer the spaniel -- to wit, he has been fraternizing with a cat!
Several days ago Spencer vanished from Lincoln Park following the collapse of his trial for sexual harassment and a hung jury. (Well, almost hung...supposedly most of them managed to escape.)
The summer king left behind his lookalike brother Nigel who, according to our sources, has been sharing Lily the spaniel's crate and telling her bedtime stories.
Recently TEOTP learned from Dacia the schnauzer, Spencer's spokescanine, that he was staying on the Cayman Islands estate of shady financier Perro de Presa Canario -- who, it turns out, is a cat!
"This is absolutely out of the dog park," said park area resident Vinney, who described himself as a girl-crazy poodle puppy with a keen interest in all things political.
"I'd love to run for office myself," Vinney told us. "But I suppose I should wait at least until I'm housebroken."
"I'm so embarrassed; I can't believe Spencer would do this to me," sobbed Lily, as she boarded a plane bound for California, where she later checked into the Betty Ford Center for kibble, and it is whispered, catnip abuse.
"I can," muttered her eccentric aunt, psychic Madame Spirea, who accompanied her, "and stop winking at the puparazzi, Lily. You're supposed to be in shock!"
(Developing...)
In other park news, yet another pug claiming to be named Iago has stepped up to plate and declared himself to be the father of LuLu the beagle's puppy.
"I don't even like dogs with names like Iago," LuLu told TEOTP. "The love of my life is a big hunky Lab named Rockie."
The big hunky Lab named Rockie had no comment.
And that's all the news, smut, and scandal TEOTP has been able to dig up for April 30th, 2006.
Happy May Day everybody~
Yes, hope all have a good May Day.
Wow --
This is definitely Howlywood material! Its almost, but not quite, as good as the ghost stories my owner is reading me. Just think, dogs emulating humans -- Drugs, sex and more sex, lust, mystery, dishonest, scandalous politics. Thank heavens there ain't been a murder, yet.
That is an awful picture of Lily!
Iago? I thought the pug's name was Cairo? He was in the detective story, wasn't he?
Nestle, they have had a couple murders, haven't they? Well, the mutt has.
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I figured we'd be hearing from you again, Firbawl~
Not firbawl again! We have enough trouble with the asp.
Forget the relationship, Fiver.
The Eye On The Park:
In a phone interview this afternoon, TEOTP learned from Dacia the schnauzer that Spencer the spaniel is back home and in his crate -- but he's not sleeping with long-term crate mate Lily.
"He is sleeping," said Ms. Schnauzer, "with his brother Nigel."
"What about the feline financier, Perro de Presa Canario?" TEOTP demanded to know.
"They're just good friends," Ms. Schnauzer was quick to assure us.
But we were too savvy for that one! "We mean, what's the working relationship between Spencer and Presa? Is the summer king taking money from the allegedly transgressive tabby? Is he involved in some of Presa's shady deals? Why was he staying on the cat's estate? Could he be supplying him with mice?"
"Oops!" rebounded Ms. Schnauzer. "I've got a call coming in from my shopper at the Gilded Paw. Arfies and bye-byes now, and watch what you print. Remember, I've got a law degree from Yale."
TEOTP next attempted to reach Lily, who is recovering from kibble abuse at the Betty Ford Center, but was informed she was temporarily crate bound. Her aunt, eccentric psychic Madame Spirea, was also unavailable for comment.
(Developing.....)
In other news, Dixie Cavalier (better known as the Asp) was seen padding through the park late this afternoon with one of the two pugs claiming to be the father of LuLu the beagle's puggle puppy, along with (bite down hard on those leashes, readers!) self-styled revolutionary and former love interest SHAMUS O'POSSUM.
(Definitely Developing.....)
And, yeah, Ok, so we're drooling a bit into the bargain.
(Developing....developing....)
Is firbawl a male?
Fiver,
You got problems, man.
OK...Karen, please keep in mind that Lily is a serious character actor. She took off her makeup for the shot you don't like. Try to compare it to Natalie Portman's shorn head or Demi Moore without Botox.
Jean, you've got a sharp eye and a good memory. Our current Iago is indeed Cairo.
Baby Hooey, Morey the mutt has a column virtually littered with corpses.....
.....and, Fiver, PLEASE try a doggy dating service up there in Michigan. Firbawl is not for you.
In fact, we wish he'd find another blog.
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How illegal, Asp?
The Eye On The Park:
Tonight TEOTP asks the question: Who is running the government for the dogs of Lincoln Park? Is it Spencer the spaniel, the anointed summer king, or his roustabout brother, Nigel?
Or is it somebody even more sinister than the old Gropester and Company?
TEOTP attempted to reach Spencer's spokescanine, Dacia the schnauzer, this afternoon by phone, fax, e-mail, and finally by barking up a few wrong trees. Alas, we were unable to get in touch with the brilliantly educated and wonderfully accessorized political hack. We did manage to pull off a brief phone interview with her new chief assistant, Monica Ferret, Esquire, though.
"Any truth to the rumor that Spencer the spaniel was brainwashed while visiting the Cayman Islands and is now working down there as a stingray herder with a buzz on?" TEOTP asked her.
"Meanwhile, his yahoo brother is in charge of what we barkingly refer to as our government?"
"Absolute nonsense," the snarly factotum replied. "Balderdash, pshaw, ridiculous, and stop me before I run out of adjectives."
"Well, how about the rumor that shady financier Perro de Presa Canario is sending a thousand feral cats to Lincoln Park, and they're set to arrive any old day now?" we pursued.
"Balderdash, ridiculous, etceteras," she informed us. "We have heard that there are a few cats arriving, but it's far less than a thousand," she insisted.
"How many?" we wanted to know.
"I can't answer that," replied the wily weasel kin, and hung up on us
(Developing....)
In other park news, LuLu the beagle continues to deny that she is the mother of a puggle puppy, or has never known a male pug named Iago.
"How about a male pug named Burt?" giggled Dixie Cavalier, better known as the Asp, as she sat in the park and shared a bone with handsome newcomer Vinney the poodle. "LuLu protests too much."
"Is it true you're engaged to Shamus the possum?" TEOTP wanted to know.
"What a thing to ask me," she said, while rubbing noses with Vinney. Balderdash!"
Now there's a word that gets around. You read it here first, dogs.
PS: Monica Ferret may need to research something about adverbs, just for the fun of it.
Balderdash!!!!
Let me see. Lulu may be cheating on Rocky, the Asp is engaged to an opossum, Lily is in rehab, and Spencer has been brainwashed?
This version is better than the one on ABC.
It beats any soap I've ever watched. And it beats Animal Planet any day of the week!
Thanks, Nestle. Now that Rockie's gone and the press is hounding me, I'm happy to know somebody at least likes my blog.
I'm sorry, sweethocks, but I'm trying to deal with your loss already. A day without sticks in the park with you is like a day without goose poop!
By the way, I spent last night in the kennel because my guardian got her carpets cleaned today, so that's why I wasn't around.
I will try to be in the park tonight, although SHE wants to keep me on the cement because I got a bath and smell like bubble gum.
I did manage to gulp down something gross in the backyard about an hour ago...so my breath is just the way you like it~
Rockie, don't listen to the lies or give up on Lulu like my exhusband did. Your prefect for each other!
Hey, King Rockie, it sounds like you found your "inner tube" Lab~
Is Rockie back in the hood for good? HAHa! Lulu needs your help, Rockie.
Rockie,
You like water? Why, you handsome hottie! I think I see a yacht in your future.
Speaking of futures -- are you aware that your sweetie LuLu knows TWO pugs named Iago? Just feel you ought to know, Rockie. You're such a sensitive, wonderful dog. As for LuLu -- well, perhaps the less said, the better...right?
Signed, a well-meaning friend who also likes water sports.
Punkin,
You're a sailor. What makes bad girls so interesting?
Oh, come on, Fiver. You seriously have to ask?
Punkin, help me out, will ya?
Sorry about your predicament, Fiver, but we're not on the same continent right now.
Hyacinth The Goose Strikes Again
Hyacinth, the goose who attacked blog hostess LuLu over the weekend, was at it again this morning -- leaping onto the back of a hapless 5-year-old dachshund named Gretel, who, she claimed, got a little too close to her goslings.
"I was squatting to do my business," said Gretel, "when this goose came out of nowhere, flapping her wings and hissing like a cobra. I wasn't injured and I'm not going to press charges, but I really think that goose needs to consider an anger management course. I never even saw her goslings!"
Maybe it's time for a little Avian Atavan, eh, Hyacinth?
Is this goose in the air force?
This blog is getting more exciting and I like the cat picture. You know, I have a cat.
Whatever happened for Firbawl??????
macro mice?
That's Macro MOUSE. Only one mouse,
booey hooey. A HUGE MOUSE who scared off that puking, pusillaniMOUS FIRBAWL.
Cats rule! Cats rule!
Thank you, supporters and friends, for asking about me, and not letting me be Al-Gored by the current park establishment.
I've been through chipmunk hell in the past couple of weeks; I even suffered a broken tail in the melee that took place in front of the courthouse.
Currently I'm living under an assumed name down by a culvert on the far side of the lake. But don't worry -- I WILL be back.
As for the Old Groper winding up brainwashed and unbalanced, as far as I'm concerned, it couldn't have happened to a nicer canine.
But don't think I'm bitter. I am, but don't think it.
I have big plans for the near future, my friends. Big plans indeed.
Love, Wendy, the little chippie they couldn't roll over.
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This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Knock it off, Firbawl!
You know you are!
All right, Firbawl, we are. Just keep it clean and we'll stay friends, OK?
I suppose you are feeling very self-congratulatory and smug for breaking Firbawls heart!
My pug is isn't going to bite because of the two Iagos. It's a good story. What's the problem with Firbawl?
LOL FIRBAWL. One baaaad ass kitty!
I do more than that, Firbawl. I'm ambi-dexterous!
OH I'M FALLING OVER LAUGHING. YOU MAD, MAD PEOPLE ARE STILL AT IT. STILL BEAUTIFUL DOGS AND THEY ARE ALL GOING TO REHAB. AWESOME.
ONLY ONE WENT INTO REHAB AND WE HAVE HER. YOU WILL NEVER SEE LILY AGAIN UNLESS YOU DO EXACTLY WHAT WE TELL YOU TO DO. WE ARE SENDING PRINCE PACO A SNIP OF HER HAIR TO PROVE THAT WE HAVE HER AND WE MEAN BUSINESS. (DO NOT BECOME HYSTERICAL! HER HAIR WAS VERY MATTED AND SHE ASKED US TO CUT IT.)
WE WILL BE IN TOUCH.
PS: IF YOU WANT MILLIE TO BE A MALE, WHY NOT CALL HER WILLIE?
SIGNED: LILY'S ABDUCTORS
They cut her hair? Grooming might not be too bad, but what if she's been probed?
Could this be a clue?
I doubt it, Cluzo. They never sent the snip of hair.
WE LOST YOUR ADDRESS.
SIGNED, LILY'S ABDUCTORS
OK, WE FOUND IT AGAIN. WAIT FOR THE UPS TRUCK, OR MAYBE WE'LL TRY FEDERAL.
SIGNED, LILY'S ABDUCTORS
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