LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
posted by LuLu @ 10:48 PM
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
I am a single five-year-old female Beagle, shown here by myself, while my mix-up of a sister sings the praises of mutts on my blog. Well, let her. I have a most intriguing (one might even say lascivious) past, at least according to my autobiography. In a former lifetime I was Queen Elizabeth the Ist of England, and later on (among others) I was Nell Gwynn, Pauline Borghese, Louise Brooks, and eventually just lovable, neurotic, adorable ME. I have a perfectly charming, albeit very annoying, sister named Sadie. She's rarely plagued by conscience, possibly because she's a Sagittarius. To date she has attempted to steal most of my boyfriends, meaning we're quite used to fighting over bones. Sadie and I are the same age, although she's the adopted one. We do have a fair amount of things in common. For example, she was once Mary Queen of Scots, and later on both Barbara Villiers and Marlene Dietrich. Amazingly we get along -- at least when we're before the public~
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Eye On The Park:
It was an eventful Easter morning for the seven contestants taking part in the 2006 LDHD Squirrel Roll and the small group of onlookers who came to cheer them on or decry the event.
First, a protest by a group of five non-domesticates failed miserably when one of the organizers, Shamus O'Possum, was attacked and bitten by a fox.
The fox, who refused to give his name, stated simply that he supports the canine illuminati's plan for a new park order, and besides he flat out hates possums."
Mr. O'Possum was taken to the local animal emergency clinic for prophylactic rabies shots and observation.
Matters then proceeded to go well until the end of the roll, when the Big Gold Walnut Chew Toy Award was presented to Spencer the spaniel for rolling the most stuffed squirrels over the woodpile and across a small expanse of backyard.
LuLu the beagle immediately took exception, declaring that Spencer swiped one of her squirrels at the last minute, and thus crossed the finish line with one more rodent posted to his credit than she had posted to hers.
"LuLu is a silly bitch who doesn't know what she's talking about," demurred the handsome spaniel with the bedroom eyes, at which point a snarly, snappish, angry confrontation broke out.
It took two sturdy pit bull referees to separate Spencer and LuLu, and mere moments after they did so, Wendy Little, a chipmunk known for her litigious behavior, popped out of her hole and accused Spencer of groping her.
"It was awful," said Ms. Little. "I would have been afraid for my virtue, if I had any."
(Developing....)
WHAT?
Spencer, say it isn't so.
It isn't so.
Eye On The Park:
Is he innocent on all counts, or is he a cheat and a sex offender?
These are the two questions everyone is asking about Spencer the spaniel, the chosen summer king of Lincoln Park.
According to LuLu: "Spencer has been trying to top me for the past 500 years. I wouldn't let him top me in our last lifetime together, and I'm not about to let him top me now."
According to Lily: "Spencer is always on top of me."
According to Wendy Little: "The sick, depraved monster groped me.
As a result, I've suffered severe emotional trauma, am experiencing a loss of sensation in my front paws, have narcolepsy, am confused about my sexual identity, have suffered whiplash, and am unable to work."
According to Lily: "Spencer is always on top of me."
According to Spencer: "These broads are full of it!"
According to Spencer's lawyer: "Shut up!"
According to Morey the mutt: "I think Spencer's getting a bad rap."
According to Rockie the Lab: "The girls all LOVE me."
According to the ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt: "I've turned Lily over to the ghost of Anna Freud."
According to Lily: "Spencer is always on top of me."
According to Shamus O'Possum: "This is the sort of thing that happens when you live in an oppressive society where non-domesticates have no bark, growl, meow, or chirp. Spencer is a typical example of the perverse canine upper class, assuming he can get away with anything. It's time we non-domesticates took back the park!!!!"
According to the Asp: "Stop sending me text messages, Shamus! You're a flop as an organizer, and I've had it with marsupials in general."
According to Lily: "Spencer is always on top of me."
(Developing.....)
Spencer, Spencer, Spencer. You need to get back to your squirrel dance and let the girls alone.
Spence my man, sting like the bee. U r the king.
The Asp has a new boyfriend, huh?
Fiver,
Oh, honey, get a life.
Give Fiver a break, Madame S. He's just a lonely corgi in love.
Poltroonery? LOL. What does it mean?
Eye On The Park:
Rumors continued to fly today in Lincoln Park, while (hopefully) impartial judges made an effort to sort out the scandalous, salacious, and downright nasty allegations made at the end of the 2006 LDHD Squirrel Roll by LuLu the beagle and Wendy Little, a local chipmunk.
Spencer the spaniel is sticking to his story, insisting that he "never even thought of" stealing one of LuLu's squirrels, and thus knocking her out of the winner's circle. He also hotly denied charges that he "groped that puffy-cheeked chipmunk."
Attorneys for LuLu the beagle were closemouthed today, although one or two of them bared their teeth at members of the press corps.
Attorneys for Wendy Little were equally evasive, although
one of them allowed: "I think we've got Spencer by the goobers."
Spencer, seen walking in the park with his crate-mate, Lily, this evening, seemed unperturbed. "I'm still going to be the summer king of Lincoln Park," he said. "I'm willing to eat a crow in front of LuLu, if that will make her happy, and the sex scandal thing will just blow over. I am not a sex maniac."
"Spencer, get off me," Lily admonished, as the puparazzi clicked away.
(Developing...)
Oh, Madam Spirea, how do I get a life? I am home alone most of the day and have only your blog to sustain me.
Fiver,
Do you live near a park, a sidewalk, have a backyard? Not that we don't appreciate having you with us, kid, but my degree in Outlandish Abnormal Animal Psychology prods me to clue you in that you might need a few REAL friends in order to stumble through your life as a dog.
Then again, thanks for letting us know that we're better company than a soggy squeak toy or a rawhide chew.
Madame Spirea sees and smells all...
Felony has a new home.
Hi, Ken,
Nice to see you're online. So Felony has a new home? Does she also have a new owner?
Eye On The Park:
Dacia the schnauzer, one of Lincoln Park's foremost legal experts, announced this morning that she will be defending Spencer the spaniel in two upcoming lawsuits. "Although I plan to leave my suits at home and wear nothing more colorful than a jaunty kerchief," she joked with reporters.
"While Dacia's credentials are flawless -- I mean it's not every
bitch who gets to go to Yale Law School -- we are still hopeful of a victory," said Monica Ferret, Esquire, one of the eleven attorneys Wendy the chipmunk keeps on a permanent retainer.
Attorneys for LuLu the beagle had no comment.
In other news, Lincoln Park police were summoned to a local townhouse tonight to check out reports of a prowler after a small female dog began barking and her owner phoned for assistance.
An angry possum was taken into custody by animal control officers.
Is there really an Asp?
It's about time you put a Schnauzer on your blog!
Hi, Margie.
Yes, we also thought it was time to put a schnauzer on the blog -- and didn't we pick a great one?
Dacia is a beauty, and everybody in the park loves her. I think the fact she's so dignified has a lot to do with it....well, that and the law degree from Yale~
O, please! Pugs own the world!
Spencer, you ever attend Duke?
Fiver,
Are you serious?
Eye On The Park:
Spencer the spaniel, currently out of jail on a bond of fifteen bones and a rabbit's foot, still stands by his story that he is innocent of stealing a squirrel from LuLu the beagle, and that he did not grope Wendy Little, the chipmunk, at the end of the now infamous 2006 LDHD Squirrel Roll.
Dacia the schnauzer, Spencer's attorney, announced this afternoon that lawyers representing LuLu the beagle, who is fighting pubic allegations that she gave birth to a puggle out of harness, might be willing to settle the matter of the alleged "swiped squirrel" out of court.
Attorneys for Wendy the chipmunk have thus far refused to even consider such a compromise. "Spencer the spaniel is a dog without a conscience," stated Monica Ferret, Esquire. "He should be publicly flogged, stripped of his position, and forced to give up all of his bones and Greenies. We're also going for a Bowlenciaga Bag full of bucks."
Dacia the schnauzer, who appeared in court this morning carrying a Kate Spayed squeaky toy purse from Barker and Meowsky, and looking every inch the Yale Law School graduate, twitched her nose at the very suggestion. "We'll see," she growled softly.
In other news, Shamus O'Possum was released on his own recognizance this morning after being held overnight in an animal control facility for night prowling and a possible attempt at breaking and entry. Dixie Cavalier (also known as The Asp) has asked that a temporary restraining order be placed against him.
No.
Maybe I ought to try a singles group?
fiver, maybe you should move from that wolverine state, Michigan. At least, I think that's you that lives way up there.
ANNOUNCEMENT FOR ALL PARK DOGS: GOOD NEWS. BAILEY, THE PARK FOX LOOK ALIKE, MISSING SINCE 2;30 P.M TUES. , FOUND HIS WAY HOME AT 5:30 THIS MORNING. SAFE AND SOUND. WELCOME HOME, BAILEY!
Remember pups: Always stay close to your guardians.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Thanks, Nes, for your full update.
Welcome home, Bailey, and next time just ASK for directions to the Squirrel Roll~
The Eye On The Park:
Attorneys for Wendy the chipmunk today announced they have phototgraphs which actually show Spencer the spaniel groping their client at the end of the 2006 LDHD Squirrel Roll.
"The film is a little bit grainy," admitted Monica Ferret, attorney/spokesperson for Wendy the chipmunk's legal entourage, "but you can plainly make out his left leg and her right ear. It's obvious there's inappropriate touching going on."
"Chipmunk crackers!" responded Dacia the schnauzer, Spencer's lawyer, who appeared in court today wearing a "Fur Me" designer dog coat from the Gilded Paw, and would not elaborate further.
In other news, Dixie Cavalier (also known as the Asp)greeted Spencer outside the courthouse this morning. (The two are distantly related.)"I'm here to talk to a lawyer about nailing my former boyfriend," she told him. "By the way, come on up and see me sometime."
"Spencer has no comment," said Dacia the schnauzer.
I am home alone.
Eye On The Park:
Absolutely nothing of particular interest took place in Lincoln Park today, although two stray coyotes were seen chasing a goose toward the woods behind the lake.
"It is an omen," said Lily's psychic aunt, Madame Spirea, "of things to come."
"We wuz told King Spencer'd put a
chicken in every pot," said one of the coyotes.
"But, we like goose, you get my hinge?"
"The goose has flown," Madame S. informed them, "and it has flown toward the north. Oh, this is bad.
Very bad."
If her prediction comes true, remember, you read it here first.
Have a nice weekend!
Dacia certainly is a beautiful schnauzer, but a Yale graduate might be carrying it a little too far.
Are you still home alone, Ken? Whatever happened to Felony and Carlotta?
Eye On The Park:
This must be tourist season in Lincoln Park! "We're from Gogogoch, in Wales, " announced a pair of cute Corgis, who said they were thinking of moving here. "Back home we chase sheep," said one. "And that's all we do -- we chase bloody sheep."
"Will you look at the bartholomews on that spaniel," said the other. "Excuse me, I've got some serious herding to do."
"'Owdy, myte," piped up an Australian shepherd. "Oi was ooglin' the little bitch meself."
"How come you're speaking with an accent?" asked a bearded collie who happened to be walking by. "Contrary to the Australian label, your breed initiated in the American West."
The embarrassed shepherd made tracks to another part of the park. He was later overheard doing a really bad Clint Eastwood impersonation for a giggling Maltese.
We then met up with a young standard French poodle named Vinnie, who had a firm foreleg wrapped around the shoulders of blog hostess LuLu, and a Gallic sparkle in his eye.
"Want to give us a French take on the USA and Lincoln Park?" EOP asked him.
"Well, OK," he said, "but I'm not sure it will be too interesting. See, I'm only three months old, and I was born in Indiana."
All in all, it was a rather strange day in idyllic Lincoln Park.
Lulu, you are having a time for yourself, but the Asp should not be dating an opossum.
DOMESTICATED CANINE SWINE!!!!! YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED!!!!!
I have them with me.
Is poltroonery like a poltroon?
Where do you get this from?
Where's Madame Spirea? The enlightened one who knew all. . .she can't be gone. Can she? For good? I hope she's just on a short vacation. A real short one.
Could Madam have chased a vacuum cleaner into another dimension?
The truth is, Anon, I've chased many a vacuum cleaner into another dimension, just as Don Quixote tilted at windmills. Anyway, I enjoyed your comment.
As for poltroonery, LaJohnna, look it up in the dictionary. There used to be all of these colorful effing words around, words which occasionally replaced EFFING as everybody's most overused adjective. An effing pity to just drop them in the pooper scooper.
And I am obviously still around, Nestle. Like Ken, I might well become a fixture on the blog, although I'm rarely home alone.
But that's my business and Spuds Mackenzie's.
Prediction of the week: Spencer the spaniel still has some surprises up his forepaw, and I'm expecting another earthquake on the West Coast.
Madame Spirea sees all, at least when the lights are on.
Madame Spirea,
When I saw your picture gone, I thought you were gone, also.
As far as Spencer, even though he's a 'friendly' guy, I think he's as guilty as sin regarding the harassement and groping charges. Look at the evidence: He always has to have something in his mouth. A Freudian oral fixation it seems. And frequently in public, he sexually harasses and foreplay's with lily.
I say forget a trial. Send him straight to Liverwurst Correctional Institute for Dogs.
Och! Dieses ist interessant. You haf a liverwurst institute und Lincoln Park? Affengeil!!!! Point us in dat direction. Wir sind hungrig!
I think the LIverwurst Correctional Institute for Dogs is out in Toto country-- Kansas somewhere. Its not a nice place like Lincoln Park. Its for 'royal' petophiles, gropers, and cheaters. Spencer might let you take his place though if he gets sent to someplace like that. Being a future king,however, he'll probably be found innocent of all charges.
You got it, Nestle. Them future kings can get away with whatnoever.
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