LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)

LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Meanwhile, Sammy Chan sews things up~ (Photo by J.M. Hilton)

posted by LuLu @ 10:32 PM 

3 Comments:

Blogger LuLu said...

From the not-so-secret files of the "Bitch Incognito"...

Well, I finally did something I thought I'd never do FOR REAL. I went to a grooming salon and had my hair done!

Oh, it was the comb-out from hell, let me tell you. But now I look almost as glam as some of those two-legged movie stars, who sit in a chair for five hours, getting everything shellacked, enameled and bronzed.

Better yet, Attorney General Sammy Chan, the hottest thing on four legs since the phoenix, invited me to squat in at his reasonably top-secret meeting with his arsenic-tongued grandma, plus Chester Samoyed, Monica Ferret, Marco the semi-private detective, Sam Ashmead, Spencer Hilton, and Itza Hogg.

The spies decided to hold a council meeting to wind up what Suzy Wong Chan refers to as the "caviar caper," and Sammy -- who looks so awesome in his new reading glasses -- said I could report on it for LuLu's Blog.

Chester Samoyed: "As many of you already know, for several dog years I was the companion animal of former KGB agent, Alexander Romanov.

"After he lost his job as an international spy and professional ballroom dancer, he came to this country to try to get his hemophiliac elder brother placed on the throne of Russia as Czar Nicholas III. But when he got too pushy, he got pushed off the roof of a thirty-story building, and I had to try to live out his dream for him."

Here he grabbed his balalaika and started strumming. Bark about your drama queens! He didn't even strum a Russian tune -- he went straight for Elton John.

Chester Samoyed: "I figured the best way to cause problems back home was to destroy the Russian caviar industry, which has been in more trouble than the French socialist party in recent years, what with sturgeon poaching and pollution.

"Amazingly, Lake Lincoln Park has the ability to support freshwater sturgeon -- as well as the Loch Ness Monster, if anybody's interested. I'm not sure what's in the water supply around here, but..."

"Cut to the chase and can the balalaika music!" snapped Suzy Wong Chan. "We haven't got all day, Chester!"

Woo. I'd arf that bitch can be as surly as a beauty pageant contest with a mean depilatory burn.

Chester Samoyed: "All right, all right. I was initially backed by the Sushi-Siam Pet Food Corporation, which hoped to expand into Russian waters, but then they got hit with another major lawsuit regarding tainted whale meat, and I had to find another sponsor."

Sammy Chan: "And that turned out to be Aunt Lucinda Spaniel?"

Chester Samoyed: "I'm afraid so. Honestly, I tried to find somebody else. I even attempted to get help from Senator Paco by putting pressure on his wife's cousin, Young Blue Eyes. I promised to help him with his career and not expose a certain love affair with a garbage-can coyote back when he..."

Suzy Wong Chan began to growl.

Wow. No wonder my Sammy's daddy is no longer around. I figure that poor dog must have been potty trained with a whip.

Story continued below...

2:15 AM  
Blogger LuLu said...

Story continued...


Chester Samoyed: "I always knew I couldn't trust Lucinda, but the fish we brought over suddenly started to die, and I needed money for more. She promised a virtually unlimited supply from an anonymous source if I would help her to build up a large mercenary army in that boot camp of hers."

Marco: "Jade Jardine proved a real flea under the collar. Her solid gold nose told her something wasn't right in the lake -- which is when Gwendolyn Monk, who was working paw and glove with Aunt Lucinda, opted to put a slug of pear blossom juice in a batch of perfume."

Sammy Chan: "Right. Bradford pear blossoms tend to smell like dead fish, and the combination of the aromas from the lake and from the blossoms completely deadened Jade's delicate sense of smell."

Suzy Wong Chan: "According to ancient Chinese lore, pear blossoms can also attract demons. Thus, if Lily -- whose brain is an open pet door -- came into contact with only a few drops of that powerful scent, it might explain how Digby got here."

Monica Ferret sighed and we exchanged 'girl glances.' Yep, sister, I know what you're thinking. Digby was one delicious demon, and I'd go to hell and back for Sammy, if I had to.

Spencer Hilton: "Just to add my dewclaw's worth, I leash-locked with Gwendolyn Monk in order to get the goods on her. I mean, she was lousy in the straw, and right after the honeymoon all she wanted to do was hibernate."

"We aren't interested in the more prurient aspects of your marital relationship," barked Suzy -- although she didn't exactly ask for a show of paws. "We know you tracked Ms. Monk for months, and appreciate the fact you were willing to make the ultimate sacrifice."

Spencer snorted and licked his privates.

Monica Ferret: "Dacia the Schnauzer asked me to follow a trail which led, she thought, from criminal mastermind Archie Catt -- who's now serving time in a pound in Lithuania -- straight back here to Lincoln Park. The bread crumbs led to Gwendolyn Monk and then to Aunt Lucinda, but after that, I ran out of clues.

"Too bad Digby left so soon. I mean, since he'd become Aunt Lucinda's soul, he might have been able to enlighten us further."

"It's not a good idea to attempt to detain a demon, Monica," arfed Suzy Wong Chan. "Not a good idea at all."

Monica's whiskers drooped. "I do know Archie Catt wasn't involved in this one," she said. "I even have the word of Tabitha Catt, who's been working as the head of the bayonet brigade at Aunt Lucinda's military school, and I believe her."

Marco: "I found out Aunt Lucinda poisoned your fish, Chester. I'm not sure why, unless she figured your operation was going to put her own in jeopardy, or unless she was secretly working with the pork industry. But why did she try to kill Jade Jardine?"

Chester Samoyed: "She thought Jade knew too much, although I knew she didn't. I would not have let her get hurt. You have my word on it."

Uh-huh. Like they don't ALL say that.

2:35 AM  
Blogger LuLu said...

Story continued...

Marco lapped his Lone Weasel -- his favorite drink, made from absinthe, rabbit urine and dogwood juice. "Well, I know this business ain't connected to anything my client Chico's got going on down in South America." He burped, then glanced over at Spencer.

"There's a new Salma Hayek movie out," he said. "The CIA or the C-Team wanna whistle my boy in?"

Spencer shrugged. "How about we mail him a DVD? You know, Gwen Monk's been on the CIA's 'most active mammal' list for months, and it burns my tail hairs that we don't know where she is or who's funding her."

"At least we've got this caper fairly well figured out," concluded Suzy, my futue grandmother-in-law, who has raised ignoring me to an art form.

"I believe Lincoln Park is now secure, and that's the reason I came here -- to aid and protect my grandson."

If looks could kill, I thought, my carcass would be on the freeway.

Sammy removed his new reading glasses and wagged his tail in my direction. "Thanks for coming," he said, raising my hopes anew. "I like to feel I'm helping your journalism career along."

He checked his watch. "Oops. Time to meet Chewy. See you later...everyone."

Itza Hogg lowered the bullet-proof cover over Suzy's puppy stroller.

"Want to go for a Gin Whopper?" Monica asked me.

"What the hell?" I arfed.

"I may soon be taking a vacation there," she commented.

2:45 AM  

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