A desperate Aunt Lucinda holds her niece hostage. (Photo by J.M. Hilton)
posted by LuLu @ 10:54 PM
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
Sunday, April 29, 2007
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
About Me
- Name: LuLu
I am a single five-year-old female Beagle, shown here by myself, while my mix-up of a sister sings the praises of mutts on my blog. Well, let her. I have a most intriguing (one might even say lascivious) past, at least according to my autobiography. In a former lifetime I was Queen Elizabeth the Ist of England, and later on (among others) I was Nell Gwynn, Pauline Borghese, Louise Brooks, and eventually just lovable, neurotic, adorable ME. I have a perfectly charming, albeit very annoying, sister named Sadie. She's rarely plagued by conscience, possibly because she's a Sagittarius. To date she has attempted to steal most of my boyfriends, meaning we're quite used to fighting over bones. Sadie and I are the same age, although she's the adopted one. We do have a fair amount of things in common. For example, she was once Mary Queen of Scots, and later on both Barbara Villiers and Marlene Dietrich. Amazingly we get along -- at least when we're before the public~
Previous Posts
- "Morey the Mutt" continues tonight -- 5/11. Meanwh...
- Sammy Chan wants only the facts~ (Photo by J.M. Hi...
- While Chester Samoyed has become a turncoat? (Phot...
- Will Digby the demon save Lily's bacon? (Photo by ...
- Air Ace Burt Bismark wants Jade to join the Mile ...
- While LuLu tries to comfort Spencer, who fears th...
- "Easter is over, now where is my daughter?" deman...
- Meanwhile, in an upcoming installment of Morey th...
- Canine counselors gone wild? It's lawsuit time on...
- Moxie to the rescue? Jade Jardine is his sister, ...
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The Eye On The Park...
Dateline Lincoln Park:
"Put down the machete and step away from the former supermodel!" howled a rugged-looking Doberman police officer with a bulldog horn.
Sirens wailed and squad car lights lit up in an eerie pattern of colors the scene taking place in front of Chester's Gulag -- the fishiest fish restaurant in Lincoln Park.
"Come any closer and she gets it!" barked Aunt Lucinda, holding a mean-looking machete closer to Lily's white-haired throat. "I mean it, copper!"
"Actually, ma'am, I'm more of a chestnut hue," woofed the Dobie.
"Where on earth did she get a machete?" Monica Ferret asked Marco, the semi-private eye. "She was strapped down when they carried her out of the basement."
"We forgot to take her glasses," answered Suzy Wong Chan. "Stupid. Stupid. And to think, I once saw her turn a bone-shaped dog tag into a semiautomatic."
"Did you have to take me hostage the day BEFORE I was scheduled to get groomed?" Lily asked her aunt. "See all those mammals in the crowd? I'm such a mess! No wonder they look appalled."
"Shut up, you twit!" snarled Aunt Lucinda. "I'll take you out if I have to. I have no family loyalties."
"You have no sense of timing, either," barked Lily. "My ears are actually MATTED."
"Lucinda," howled Spencer, "once again I'm offering my life for Lily's. Come on! She has five children that we know about -- an international playboy, two hyena cubs, a Great Dane, and a demon. They need her! Besides, I'm madly in love with her. Take me instead!"
"Oh, what a sweet offer," arfed Lily. "But I'm not going to take you back, Spencer. You really chewed me over when you leash-locked with Wendy the chipmunk. I mean, your little rodent is walnut jawed. You went from ME to that?"
"Shut up!" growled Aunt Lucinda. "Nobody cares about your inane personal problems!"
"WE DO! WE DO!" barked, roared, squeaked, meowed, tweeted, honked, and chirped the crowd. "Lily! Lily! Spencer! Spencer!"
Story continued below...
Story continued...
"Allow me to also offer up my life in exchange for Lily's," woofed Chester Samoyed, who had just caught LuLu the beagle's eye in the crowd and always had his own eye on the main chance.
"I betrayed you after you betrayed me, Lucinda. In fact, I betrayed you before you betrayed me, so you have every reason to want to kill me for betraying you!"
"HA! I betrayed you well before you even thought of betraying me, you stupid cur. And I kept right on betraying you. I used you, you Romanov runt!" Lucinda howled.
"Now here's the deal. I want six million bowsers, a private jet, a naked Schnauzer named Hans, who's currently out on parole -- and a quick trip outta here under the radar."
"I, too, will give up my life to save Lily!" oinked Itza Hogg, who had taken up his usual position behind Suzy Wong Chan's coral puppy stroller.
"Have you been at the imported slops again?" that grand old Pekidame asked him.
"No," replied Itza. "I'm just a fan. Do you have any idea how many times Lily's been on the cover of 'Mammal'? Why, even 'The Wild Side of Nature' planned to do a documentary on her life, before deciding it might be too racy for their viewers."
"Shut up, you thoughtless little pig!" growled a large dog with a twitch in one eye.
"I beg your pardon?" oinked Itza.
"Lost another coveted role to a wildebeest, Alec?" Suzy queried. "Itza, will you please roll me forward? It's time I have a word with my old friend Lucinda."
Story continued below...
Story continued...
"Grandmother, what are you doing?" demanded Sammy Chan, as Itza pushed Suzy's stroller through the open menagerie. "I forbid you to get any closer to that lunatic."
"Oh, go bite your tail, Sam!" she snorted. "I've known Lucinda since we were both puppies, and I'm aware she's psychotic. For the most part, I've always considered it her best trait."
"Aunt Lucinda," said Lily, "how about I give you a million bowsers, get you on a friend's corporate jet, and fly you to a four-tag kennel in Cancun with one of my castoff lovers?"
"I think I'm going to enjoy killing you," snarled her aunt. "You're just like your grandmother. I should've taken out the entire family the night I burned down Manderley."
"LUCINDA!" howled Suzy Wong Chan. "Lucinda, my dear, how would you like to be on The View?"
"What?" barked the sanguinary spaniel. "What are you trying to pull, you old bag of regurgitated chop suey?"
"I know they need a new howler on that popular TV show," explained Suzy, "and I think you'd be the perfect bitch for the job. We can poll the crowd right now, if you like."
"Oh, do consider the idea," gushed Lily. "Somebody recently suggested me, but I was voted down because I'm not vicious enough. Suzy's right. You'd be perfect, Auntie."
"I've had it with your constant barking," woofed Lucinda, raising the machete. "If I can't get what I want, we'll both go out together."
"I think not," said Digby the demon.
(Developing...)
The Eye on the Park...
Dateline Lincoln Park:
Digby the demon vanished in a puff of smoke, and Lucinda Spaniel dropped the mean-looking machete she had been wielding.
The crowd gasped.
"Great special effects," cackled a little red hen. "Then I guess that's why we pay our taxes."
"Oh, go lay an egg, you thoughtless little bird!" snarled Alec, the dog with a twitch in one eye, and earned himself a nip on the cock-a-doodle-doo from the hen's peeved escort.
"Where did Digby go?" asked Lily. "I've lost Jade, my daughter. I don't want to lose my adopted demonic son!"
"I'm right here, Mother," said Digby/Aunt Lucinda. "I just ejected Auntie's soul faster than congress wants to eject talk radio."
"This would be a good time for me to faint, wouldn't it?" she asked.
"I've always said you know how to work a crowd better than the LAPD. By the way, Jade is safe. She's with Moxie."
"Who?"
"Your biological son."
"Oh, him."
Lily swooned.
Spencer and Itza Hogg rushed forward to catch her.
Chester Samoyed rushed into the crowd to catch LuLu, who knew a good act when she saw it.
Sammy Chan, Lincoln Park's bright young Pekingese attorney general, approached Aunt Lucinda with caution.
"Is that really you in there, Digby?"
"Sure is," s/he said. "I figured enough was enough. This story has gone on longer than 'War and Peace.' Now, if we're done here, I'd like to start packing. The hyena cubs and I are flying out at dawn."
"Are you taking them back to the Dark Side with you?" asked Marco, the semi-private eye.
"Hell, no!" woofed Digby. "We're off to aid third-world street dogs. There are countless numbers of them strewn across the globe, and they desperately need all the help they can get. Besides, it's time for the hyena cubs to learn the meaning of the word 'humane' - along with a little humility."
"But who will run the Genghis Khan Puppy Boot Camp and the Boudicca School of Martial Arts?" asked Monica Ferret.
She truly hated to see a cut-above spaniel like Digby go, even if he had become a bitch and was a genuine demon. Monica had been a PR gofer, a lawyer, and a spy -- meaning that she prided herself on flexibility.
"Yeah," said Marco. "Who will take rich yuppie pups on life-endangering marches through the wilderness for three-thousand bowsers a pop, or teach lovable lapdogs how to slip a bomb into a rolled-up newspaper?"
"Don't pant the small stuff," the little devil told him. "Certain unforeseen events are likely to change the very complexion of Lincoln Park -- quite soon, in fact."
"Why, what do you mean?" asked Monica, still twitching her whiskers and batting her eyelashes in full flirting mode.
But Marco refused to get the picture and sniff off. "You know, you seem awfully angelic for a demon," he told Digby. "It's like expecting Howard Stern and getting Ellen DeGeneres instead."
Story continued below...
Story continued:
Digby/Aunt Lucinda wagged her tail. "Enough exorcisms and I usually cool the pure evil for a time, but wait until this summer when I become the temporary soul of an oil-company czar -- and gas prices soar to five-bowsers a gallon."
"Will you and I ever meet up again, Lucinda?" asked Suzy Wong Chan, extending a graceful paw from beneath the bullet-proof cover she kept firmly attached to her coral puppy stroller.
"I'm not really Lucinda," Digby reminded her. "I'm merely her provisional soul. But I'd say it's a strong possibility."
"I'm surprised Lucinda ever had a soul," remarked Suzy. "May I ask what you've done with it?"
"I passed it on to someone who richly deserves it," said the demon, who then licked her paw, and padded off to say a final farewell to Lily.
"All the good ones get away," muttered Monica to nobody in particular. "Maybe I ought to look for a nice, steady hamster -- but he'd probably just waste my time and spin my wheel."
"Oh, stop feeling sorry for yourself, you thoughtless little female ferret!" barked Alec the dog.
Monica swung about, kneed him in the groin and bit off part of his ear. "Jerk!" she snarled and stalked off, after kicking him in the squeak toys for good measure.
Admiring her style, Marco decided to tail her. So she was a ferret. He prided himself on his flexibility, too.
Story continued below...
Story continued...
"Hey, bro, you hangin' on the upside?" asked a stray cat who happened by and saw Alec curled in the fetal position. "You look a mess, my dawg."
"Oh, shut up, you thoughtless little feline gangsta! Oh! EEE! Ouch! Ooof!"
The cat finally retracted his saber-sharp claws, paused to lift his leg, then padded off.
I need to get myself a good Swiss Army knife, thought Alec.
And maybe a bonnet and a pair of granny glasses....
(Developing? Naw!)
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