Hanging out in Vilnius? Monica Ferrett, Esquire, gives show biz a try. (Cartoon by A.G. Oscard) See comments section~
posted by LuLu @ 11:12 PM
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Hanging out in Vilnius? Monica Ferrett, Esquire, gives show biz a try. (Cartoon by A.G. Oscard) See comments section~
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
About Me
- Name: LuLu
I am a single five-year-old female Beagle, shown here by myself, while my mix-up of a sister sings the praises of mutts on my blog. Well, let her. I have a most intriguing (one might even say lascivious) past, at least according to my autobiography. In a former lifetime I was Queen Elizabeth the Ist of England, and later on (among others) I was Nell Gwynn, Pauline Borghese, Louise Brooks, and eventually just lovable, neurotic, adorable ME. I have a perfectly charming, albeit very annoying, sister named Sadie. She's rarely plagued by conscience, possibly because she's a Sagittarius. To date she has attempted to steal most of my boyfriends, meaning we're quite used to fighting over bones. Sadie and I are the same age, although she's the adopted one. We do have a fair amount of things in common. For example, she was once Mary Queen of Scots, and later on both Barbara Villiers and Marlene Dietrich. Amazingly we get along -- at least when we're before the public~
Previous Posts
- Cody the Akita...considering a trip to Lithuania? ...
- How faithful can one dog be? Read our latest entry...
- Where, O, where have these two little dogs gone? (...
- HERE COME THE BRIDES! Dacia the legal maven says "...
- The Asp wins the heart of a noble dog and becomes ...
- Adorable Miss Gracie, the Paris Hilton of Lincoln ...
- General (Lord) Mondo Simba maks a Lady out of Dixi...
- Handsome Dan exchanges vows with Dacia. (Photo by ...
- Handsome playboy Buddy Pepper wins Miss Gracie's v...
- Blue-eyed Sydney says, "Down with love!" (Picture ...
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The Eye on The Park is back (barely) after a night of no sleep and high hopes for a really big raise after shortcutting her vacation in Gatlinburg to fly home to Lincoln Park and make a valiant effort to save LuLu's blog.
This just in via our stringer in Milan: (We have a stringer in Milan?)
Hot manpup Moxie the cavapoo, who's in northern Italy, on the shores of Lake Como, to be exact, was turned away from the gates of Mama Bolognese's Fat Farm by the Doberman Carabinere Squad yesterday afternoon, despite his pleas to see Lily the spaniel, who is in residence there.
"You don't understand," said the most adorable male sucking air since Johnny Depp clipped on his first set of pirate earrings, "I think Lily is my bio mom, and I really need to talk to her."
"Strappo, avete ottenuto i nylon!" barked the head honcho dobie. According to our stringer, that means, "Take a hike or we'll hang you by your collar," but we translate the phrase as, "Yank, you got nylons?"
(We have a stringer in MILAN?)
Oh, anyway, to continue: Moxie's ever faithful foster brother, Logan the bichon, nudged his sib out of harm's way, and also got him out of carbine range." (Jeesh! Dobie's with guns? Mama Bolognese really takes her calorie counting seriously, it would seem.)
"Maybe I can help?" offered a pleasant feminine voice with a slight British clip, and the boys wagged their tails as a pretty little corgi padded in their direction.
"I'm Queenie," said the corgi, "and I'm here taking care of my sister, Teenie, who pigged out on some whale blubber one of the footmen fed her by accident, and now she's the size of a dirigible."
"Do you know Lily the supermodel?" Moxie quizzed her eagerly.
"Only by reputation," replied Queenie. "She's very beautiful, I'm told, but she keeps to her private quarters. I do know her friend, LuLu the beagle, rather well."
Moxie and Logan both got up on their hind legs and did a little dance.
"Would you do us a huge favor and get LuLu to intervene?" pleaded Moxie. "She and I are great friends. She'll get us inside that fourteenth century fat-farm fortress if anybody can."
"Oh, I can get you inside all by my lonesome just by wagging my tail," said Queenie. "You two are cute and this place is effing boring, which means I'm inclined to do you a favor."
"Thanks!" barked the boys in unison.
"You must belong to Madame Bolognese herself," ventured Moxie, "to have that kind of canine clout."
"Don't be silly," the little corgi chided. "Madame Bolognese does not employ footmen. My owner is a really important woman -- someone everybody in the world knows."
"Britney?" guessed Moxie.
"Star Jones?" blurted Logan.
Queenie gave a snort of digust. "My owner is Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor," she told them distemperishly.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," snarled Queenie. "She's Queen Elizabeth II!"
"Of England?" blurted the boys in unison.
The little corgi sighed. "It's a good thing you two are cute," she commented, and the trio trotted through the fat-farm gates while the dobie squad stood at respectful, if snarling, attention.
(Developing...)
The Eye On The Park:
Meanwhile, TEOTP has learned that Monica Ferret, Esquire, now working for uber Hollywood agent Gwendolyn Monk (AKA Wendy the chipmunk), has decided to become an international entertainment lawyer in order to meet guys.
Briefly interviewed by our reporter, Jessica the hound, in Vilnius, Lithuania, the former assistant to legal maven Dacia the schnauzer, confided: "If Angelina Jolie lips and great show biz connections won't do the trick, I think I'll just throw myself in front of a hunter and wake up a faux fur coat somewhere in China."
"At least Monica's off the Gin Whoppers," Jessica informed us.
PETA, no doubt, will be pleased.
This has turned into a very different blog then the one you started out with.
Funneeeeee. But it's Melrose Place.
No, Sandy, it's Desperate House Dogs.
I enjoy the plot twists.
...and turns?
There appear to be enuff of 'em.
LuLu writes from her room at Madame Bolognese's Fat Farm on the shores of Lake Como in Italy:
I should have stayed at the Villa d'Este. Granted Sushi-Siam Pet Chow is picking up the bill for our suite at this transformed Renaissance palace, but if I have to spend much more time listening to Lily yelp about her obesity and addiction to whale meat, I may pull a Lucretia Borgia act. (Lily has managed to get more mileage out of her weight gains and eating disorders than Oprah, Kirstie, and the late Princess Di all tethered together!)
At any rate, just as I was coming back from a good scrub at the defleaing spa and feeling all tingly in the brisket area, I verily rolled over on my back when I saw Mox and Logan, two cute young pups from Lincoln Park, dog-trotting through the marble hallways with Queenie, that British corgi tart.
"Dahling!" barked Queenie, "you'll never guess who's here."
"Well, Queenie," I said, "I'm betting it's not the entire cast of 'Eight Below,' but correct me if I'm wrong."
She howled a bitchy Sloane-Ranger puppy howl. "LuLu," she said, "you are just so droll."
I wanted to go for her, but saw Mox and Logan standing there with their tongues hanging out.
After a brief foursome sniff, during which time I was certain young Logan nudged me with more than a salutatory cold nose, the too cute cavapoo got down to business.
"I'm pretty sure Lily is my bio mom," he said, "and I desperately want to meet her."
I wagged my tail and played for time. "Uh, Mox dear, what actual proof do you have?" I asked him.
"I mean, do you have DNA evidence, paperwork from a veterinarian, pictures?"
"No," supplied Logan, "but our auntie told him so."
"And who would she be?" I asked him, while batting my long beagle eyelashes at Mox, with whom I'd recently shared a vague May/June flirtation.
"Madame Spirea," Moxie responded, and my almond-shaped mahogany eyes involuntarily widened.
"Well," I said, "I guess you got your information straight from the spaniel's tongue."
"Horse's mouth," Queenie corrected me.
"Potato/Potahto," I growled.
"Will you take me to see Lily?" Mox pleaded, while a series of thoughts spilled like kibble through my brain.
"I can't," I barked.
"But why?" he pleaded.
"Because Lily has checked out."
"You don't mean to say she's DEAD?" yelped Queenie, while Mox and Logan tried to stifle their restless stifles and go charging off through the building to look for her.
"I mean she is no longer in residence at Madame Bolognese's Fat Farm," I said. "She left Italy this morning."
"But where did she go?" demanded Moxie.
"I'm afraid I don't know," I told him.
Queenie was giving me a "go-tell-it-to-the-Coldstream-Guards" look, but I stayed on point.
"Check out the story with Madame Bolognese herself," I told them, then excused myself and hightailed it.
Sigh. Time for me to let Queenie, who can't be more than three or four months herself, take the pups under her forepaw, and for me to head back the Moravian countryside, my manuscript, and my sophisticated four-year-old lover Arnost.
But first I have to get in touch with Sushi-Siam Pet Chow and grease Mama Bolognese's paws with a few extra bowsers.
Posted by LuLu on the night of July 2nd.
What about Sydney?
syd will do fine. Those girls with blue eyes have the world by the tail.
Has one got your tail, Fiver?
morg. where duz lulu get the bowzers to travel the world? She got a rich fairy dogmother?
King Rockie? Better return home with an army, my man!
The Eye On The Park:
Well, well, well...a major news break tonight! TEOTP has learned that King Rockie the Lab has personally contacted his numerous subjects, right here on LuLu's blog, and according to His Majesty, he'll be back from the crusades in two months, or 62 days, whichever you prefer.
We immediately attempted to get hold of Prince Regent Paco de Shepherd to get his take on the news, but were told by Sydney Shepherd, a recent-hire intern, that the prince was out of town for the evening.
"Why are you working at the palace so late?" we asked her. "And is that a recording of Frank Spinone Italiano's 'The Way You Smell Tonight' playing in the background?"
"You ask too many questions," said Sydney, and hung up on us.
Wait a minute! Isn't Sydney, the blue-eyed Aussie shepherd, Moxie's girl?
(Oh, we're gonna develop this story! I knew Dog had to have a reason for dragging me back here halfway through my vacation! Well, I mean, if there IS a Dog....)
Hello, King Rockie,
Lovely to hear from you! Must tell you, I'm so looking forward to being a veritable fixture at your court once you return.
Such a shame dear LuLu is unlikely to be here when you get back, but I'm sure you've heard -- the little slut has run off to the Czech Republic and shacked up with some wild bohemian terrier. She's supposed to be working on another one of those best-selling pornographic novels of hers, and I gather HE is her muse.
Between the two of us, your Majesty, you can do a LOT better than LuLu.
As for other news, well, Lily is evidently the mother of an illegitimate son, a cute cavapoo named Moxie, who was yet another one of LuLu's conquests before she finally crossed her back legs and left for Europe. She (Lily) padded out on King Spencer after he became a transvestite. Evidently he went a step further, because he's now a movie starlet, going by the name of Lena LaMarr, and she's over in Lithuania making a movie.
All sorts of fascinating things have been going on, sire. Oh, do you remember Shamus O'Possum, my (I blush to recall it) former fiance? Well, he's dead. He fell out of a plane flying over the Andes -- and can you believe it? He actually forgot to name ME as the beneficiary of his life insurance policy. Perhaps we can work on this teensy little problem after you get back? He also wanted me to have any and all film rights to his books -- but we can talk about this (and other matters) later, when you're once again established as our beloved and absolute monarch.
Let me be the first of your many loyal and adoring subjects to say: Welcome Home, King Rockie! Your pluck and courage have long been an inspiration --- and not a day has gone by when I didn't wish you nice steak bones and the blessings of Almighty Dog.
With all sincerity, I sign myself, Lady Dixie Simba
P.S. I'm pretty sure Prince Paco de Shepherd is sleeping with his new intern.
ballofir, did you used to be firbawl?
Have you considered marketing No Pro Bono tees?
Happy Fourth of July, Lulu!
Happy Fourth, Lulu and gang.
Happy Fourth of July, Lily dear, and to the rest of your friends.
Happy Fourth, Lulu. I miss you!
I miss you too, Marta, although the Moravian countryside has its charms~
Come the Revolution!
Email from Logan the bichon to his sweetheart Kinky:
Hi, sexy stifles! I'm still in Lithuania with my bro, but I miss U a whole bunch and really really want to come home. Mox is so into this thing about Lily, his bio mom. Pleez tell Sydney he's gonna be over here a lot longer than he thot, but she's not to worry. He still loves her and like that. I think he duz, but I gotta tell u, he met this corgi. Her name is Queenie and she's British and related to the real Queen, and hotter than the surface of Venus. (Not as hot as U are, babe. I swear it. But let's say a close runner-up!) Anyways, Queenie is helping Mox look for Lily, who seems to have disappeared or something from the fat farm where she was staying, and LuLu the beagle's also vanished like a squirrel refereeing a dog fight. She used to be so nice! But she didn't seem at all happy to see Mox and me when we showed up here. Go figure! I guess u never know some dogs until they bite u. Well, since the bro has Queenie to help him, I'm gonna take the next plane out so I can once again lick the beeUtiful face of my bitchee babee back in Lincoln Park. Lake Como is really nice, by the way, and there are celebrities all over the place here. Snoopy (the Peanuts dog) has a great-granddaughter, or something, who spends a lot of time hanging out. She's a cute beagle, like LuLu, but she's even more of a snob, and won't talk to anybody who doesn't have their own yacht or at least their own dog run. We also saw Bolero Dolce Sinfonia, the Eukanuba dog, out with his handlers. We barked and howled and asked for an autograph, but nobody paid any attention to us. Except for Queenie, the dogs around here just aren't as friendly as the dogs in Lincoln Park, goosie poop. Still, maybe we can come here on our honeymoon or something. Hope all's well with U, that you LUV me a lot, like I LUV U, and again tell Syd not to give up on Moxie. By the way, he says he wishes she would write him once in a while.
Sniffin' U in my dreeeemz and I can hardly wait to see U, hottie hot mama babee!!!!
Your Loggie ~
Sydney is turning into the asp, isn't she?
So who is this Poe person?
I saw that, Fiver. The dog's a hoot.
Sydney's the intern? Whose the spook?
Syndney has vastly differing tastes in males.
Never more!
Never more WHAT?
The Eye On The Park:
Email left on our computer....
HELP!!!!!!! P.
You're not going to tell me North Korea has Shamus?
What are you talking about? Shamus is in Peru, isn't he?
I thot shamus was dead.
No blue dress?
Wouldn't that be a blue harness?
The Eye On The Park:
Who, we ask you, is "P"? And why is the Eye getting mysterious email from this individual? "HELP!!!!!P"? Very odd. And the Eye is sincerely hoping this isn't some doo-doo prank on the part of Mr. Dweeber, the Dog-awful recent traveling companion of TEOTP, and a rabid cur who needs to be kept on the shortest of tethers.
Meanwhile, rumors from the palace continue to fly, mainly as rumors almost never stroll or amble, regarding the nature of the relationship between blue-eyed intern Sydney Shepherd and Prince Regent Paco de Shepherd.
Sydney's being coy, and the prince has always been the strong, silent type -- but friends and fellow travelers say Sydney's not putting in all that extra guard-dog time at the palace just to share a bowl of kibble with her boss.
"She confided to a close friend," barked the close friend from just outside our infamous pet door, "that she's outgrown Moxie, the Tobey Maguire of cavapoos, and wants a strong, well-focused dog in her life."
(Awwww! But Mox is soooo cute!)
"When you think about it," the friend continued, hoping to corner the bowser market, "the relationship does sort of make sense. Prince Paco's a shepherd and Syd's a shepherd. If they get bored with one another, they can always herd sheep."
Hmmm. But is that enough to keep a leash-locking alive?
Moving on, the word from our stringer in Milan -- an Italian greyhound named Spinone, is that Moxie and Queenie, the Brit corgi, have been seen taking long walks together on the shores of Lake Como and doggy dancing in the blue mist which often surrounds that exotic spot.
"Mox is dead set on finding his bio mom, Lily the spaniel," insisted his foster brother, Logan the bichon, who arrived back home in Lincoln Park this afternoon -- and we haven't seen OUR intern, that slinky mutt Kinky, since.
"He's dead set to the point of pointing, but right now the trail has gone cold," Logan concluded, "and he'll be sick as a dog to hear about Sydney dumping him."
Uh-huh. Oh, for sure.
But speaking of the adorable cavapoo's most likely candidate for deadbeat mom, Lily the supermodel -- she and bestest buddy LuLu the beagle are nowhere to be found. We attempted to get in touch with LuLu's boyfriend in the Moravian countryside of the Czech Republic, but had no luck barking past Breclav.
We also tried getting getting hold of someone at the Tokyo home office of Lily's employer, Sushi-Siam Pet Chow, but the phone was busy and our email was blocked.
Oh, well. At least we tried. I wonder if we have a stringer in Okinawa?
Semi-finally in the news, tender tough guy Cody the Akita (Sigh, sigh, sigh, sigh...and sigh again) misses his girlfriend Jessica the hound so much, he plans to fly to Vilnius to be with her. GAAAK!
By the way, TEOTP hasn't heard from our REPORTER Jessica for two whole days, and we're hoping she hasn't forgotten that she works for this blog! Cody may have a thing for you, Jessie, but giving you free drinks at Poppa Poochie's doesn't mean he's willing to pick up your bar tab for life.
Finally, TEOTP wants to extend a warm welcome to newcomer Cozy the bichon, who recently moved to our fair community. You're cute, Cozy, but are you a male or a female? Believe me, it makes all the difference in the world to a poor bitch who currently has no love life going on at all, unless you count Mr. Dweeber.
(Developing?)
Maybe it's a good thing Cody's going after her.
U goofed. Logan tell Syd he's in Lithuania? It was Italy, no?
The Eye On The Park.
EEEK! OK, Anon. You're partly right.
We goofed. Logan was supposed to be writing from Lake Como in Italy and not from Lithuania -- but he was writing to his girlfriend Kinky instead of to Moxie's girlfriend Syndey.
As for Shamus the Possum, if still alive, he would be somewhere in the Andes Mountains -- but far more likely in Colombia than in Peru -- and North Korea is all but out of the question. Then again, with our characters, you never know~
Send one of the characters to Sussex, why don't you? Our dogs are dull.
Sussex? Where does the Sade live?
Haven't you heard, Fiver? In Lincoln Park lake!
Where is that?
Oregon, Ohio, or Oklahoma, I believe, which narrows it down. It could be in a state starting with an ENN.
It's oregon!
If it's the northern part of Ohio, I am genuinely hurt. I could be there!
The Eye On The Park:
For a long, long time now -- well, Ok, since we realized we needed filler -- TEOTP has been wondering what's going on with Lily the spaniel's eccentric aunt, psychic Madame Spirea. When last contacted, Madame S., along with her boon companion, Max the pharaoh hound, was crouched next to the Great Sphinx of Giza, absorbing the secrets of the ancients along with a whole lot of sand fleas.
So we contacted MS by cell phone, instead of using the usual telepathic method, although when you're doing an international cell call, it amounts to pretty much the same thing.
"How are you?" we asked, opening with our usual banality.
"The Sphinx is a dog," barked MS from what sounded like a dungeon, "and not just a dog but a spaniel....a spaniel named Trixie."
Hmmm. No kidding? Well, there's a bit of information that's gonna rock 'em in Peoria.
"July will be a truly dreadful month for everyone -- canines, felines and humans," she continued.
(Oh, no! Not more emails from Mr. Dweeber!)
"You want to, maybe, elucidate. Hallucinate's Ok, too."
"Stay out of tunnels, hire a food taster, stop chasing cars, expect the NBC fall lineup to be a complete disaster, and look for bin Laden as a contestant on American Idol."
"That it?" we asked.
"Trixie just told me to zip it," MS replied.
"Uh, you wouldn't happen to know where Lily is, would you?" we quickied, clumsily revealing the true reason we'd phoned the nutty old bat in the first place.
"We're getting static," barked MS.
"No, it's me -- Max," remonstrated the deliciously accented (think Omar Sharif) voice of a hot canine male.
"End the call or suffer the curse of Tuthutmorephephiphophum!" barked what sounded like a jackal on a bullhorn -- and we're guessing it was Trixie. Or Max doing impersonations.
Yeah, well, bark on.
(Developing? Nah. This blog is weird enough already.)
Fiver, we're not in northern Ohio and we're not in southern Oregon. We're also not in Ontario, Canada, so don't be hurt.
Oklahoma? My whole family is there with their airedales and pugs and one tiny poodle. Could you be anywhere near Tulsa?
No.
If Desperate Housewives gets cancelled, what happens to this blog?
It changes its name to Grey's Hounds or Canine Underbellies?
Monica Ferret needs to connect with Slim Jim Kim. They look alike a little and she would make a great dictatoress.
the Bernie Beagle show?
Dacia is the dictator type, isn'tshe?
What happened to the Asp?
She changed her name to Lady.
But she remains a tramp.
Hey! I like the Asp.
Don't we all, Ballofir? Don't we all?
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