HERE COME THE BRIDES! Dacia the legal maven says "I do" with a prenup in her paw. (Photo by J.M. Hilton) See comments section~
posted by LuLu @ 11:10 PM
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
Saturday, June 24, 2006
HERE COME THE BRIDES! Dacia the legal maven says "I do" with a prenup in her paw. (Photo by J.M. Hilton) See comments section~
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
About Me
- Name: LuLu
I am a single five-year-old female Beagle, shown here by myself, while my mix-up of a sister sings the praises of mutts on my blog. Well, let her. I have a most intriguing (one might even say lascivious) past, at least according to my autobiography. In a former lifetime I was Queen Elizabeth the Ist of England, and later on (among others) I was Nell Gwynn, Pauline Borghese, Louise Brooks, and eventually just lovable, neurotic, adorable ME. I have a perfectly charming, albeit very annoying, sister named Sadie. She's rarely plagued by conscience, possibly because she's a Sagittarius. To date she has attempted to steal most of my boyfriends, meaning we're quite used to fighting over bones. Sadie and I are the same age, although she's the adopted one. We do have a fair amount of things in common. For example, she was once Mary Queen of Scots, and later on both Barbara Villiers and Marlene Dietrich. Amazingly we get along -- at least when we're before the public~
Previous Posts
- The Asp wins the heart of a noble dog and becomes ...
- Adorable Miss Gracie, the Paris Hilton of Lincoln ...
- General (Lord) Mondo Simba maks a Lady out of Dixi...
- Handsome Dan exchanges vows with Dacia. (Photo by ...
- Handsome playboy Buddy Pepper wins Miss Gracie's v...
- Blue-eyed Sydney says, "Down with love!" (Picture ...
- Welcome to LILY FEST, a special week-long edition ...
- In the cold and dark of winter, Lily dreams of a v...
- Ah, spring at last!
- Having packed her suitcase (with Gooberlicious Pea...
Subscribe to
Posts [Atom]
40 Comments:
The Eye On The Park:
Everybody expected it to rain on today's parade of brides and their respective entourages, but the weather stayed balmy, and thanks to Barbara the Bull Terrier, the leash-lockings of three local luminaries all went with nary a hitch per bitch.
Miss Gracie the shih-tzu's wedding was first up in the late a.m. The Paris Hilton of Lincoln Park chose to wed Maltese playboy Buddy Pepper on a colorful raft (shaped like a pooper-scooper, no less) in the middle of Lincoln Park Lake.
Miss G. made a big splash(figuratively speaking) when she stepped onto the raft from a motorboat, clad in a pink Promdog dress from HandsNPaws of New York. A gorgeous pearl-and-diamond collar from Diamond Dogs of London flashed expensively in the morning sun, and she merrily wagged her tail while the cameras snapped.
Miss G. was escorted to the the front of the raft by Cody the Akita, who also acted as best dog for the groom. Mr. Pepper was wearing a white tuxedo from Proper Pets of Tulsa, but to keep the mood funky, he was also wearing a "Bitches Love Me" T-shirt from Barker&Meowsky of Chicago underneath it.
The couple was joined in leash-lock by the Reverend Brad Kooikerhondje, of the Church of the Existential Bling-Bling, in a fifteen minute ceremony, during which time two of the three-hundred guests had to be saved from drowning, since they were too old to dog paddle.
After the ceremony there was a lengthy reception, and a squirrel chase through the woods. The couple will occasionally reside in Lincoln Park after a honeymoon in Bangkok, where they plan to chase cars and tut-tuts.
Next up was the Asp's leash-locking to General (Lord) Mondo Simba of Prince Regent Paco de Shepherd's general staff. The ceremony was held in the throne room at the Palace, and Prince Paco "gave away" the stunning (and might we say smug-looking?) little cavalier-spaniel bride.
The Asp was beautifully dressed in a Diane gown of white lace and snowy satin from My Faux Paws. She was dripping in diamonds, from her choke collar to her dewclaw rings, and also sported an antique diamond tiara, a nuptial present from her well-bred cocker groom. Unlike Miss Gracie, who eschewed all attendants, save for uber-swimmer Jessica (our reporter), the Asp managed to round up ten purebred local bitches and clothe them in pretty yellow gowns, also from My Faux Paws, naturally. General (Lord) Simba wore his dress uniform, with all of his bone medals pinned to the lapels. After escorting the bride down the milk-bone strewn aisle, Prince Paco acted as the groom's best dog.
The couple was leash-locked by army chaplain Fila Brasileiro, and received full military honors, including The Grand Salute by twenty-one barking Dobermans, and a bagpipe concert by the Lincoln Park Guard Dog band.
A large reception at the Officers Real Mess followed the ceremony, which was attended by at least five-hundred dogs and bitches, some of them still a trifle damp from Miss Gracie's ceremony earlier in the day.
After a honeymoon in Scotland, Lord and Lady Simba plan to reside in Lincoln Park.
Story to be continued....
The Eye On The Park:
....once the reporter has a chance to flex her paws.
Finally came the T-bone piece de resistance. Dacia the schnauzer's leash-locking (or merger) to handsome Dan the bulldog, another Yale Law School grad.
The politically motivated legal whiz-bang chose to hold her LL in the late afternoon, at the Lincoln Park Canine Chapel of Coton de Tulear, with the Archbishop of Clumber doing the ceremony in full ecclesiastical drag. The guest list easily topped a thousand, and not all of the guests were canines.
The bride was a vision in a raw silk cream-colored gown from The Gilded Paw of Chicago, and she wore a stunning collection of expensive jewelry, including a diamond collar, and a large but tasteful emerald ear blingy. Her score of bridesmaids all wore hot pink lace-over-cotton dresses from Pure Bitch of Miami.
Dacia was escorted down the steak-bone strewn aisle by a very busy Prince Paco, while a New Guinea singing dog belted out "O, Promise Ne'er to Sniff Another."
Handsome Dan and his best dog, another Yale grad, named George, were dapper in flawless tuxedos from Out Spot! The bride and groom formally exchanged prenups, and the two-hour nuptial extravaganza got underway. The archbishop blessed the couple a half-dozen times, they exchanged twelve sets of Kong balls, chewed through a pound-and-a-half of sticks, ten wedding guests passed out from dehydration, but finally the imported silk leashes were yanked tight, the groom licked the bride on the nose, and the guests stampeded for the outdoor reception in the park.
"The ambulances were already in place," reported Barbara the wedding consultant. "Only five guests had to be rushed to the animal ER and only one got trampled. I consider THAT a victory."
Guests were rewarded with mounds of chow, along with Zanie toys and dog towels stamped with pictures of the bride and groom in front of the U.S. House of Canine Representatives.
After a brief honeymoon at a London dog park, the couple will reside in Lincoln Park, where the bride will toss her harness into the political arena.
"I loved being part of Dacia's wedding," said pretty blue-eyed Aussie shepherd Sydney, who caught and shredded the bridal bouquet. "It just goes to show you what a smart bitch with a good education can accomplish."
Amen?
We will certainly let you know...
Was the exceedingly beautiful Lily in attendance at any of the leash-lockings? And her mate Spencer?
You should have put Miss Gracie on top. She is the prettiest.
The Eye On The Park:
Unfortunately, supermodel Lily the spaniel was unable to attend any of the LP leash-lockings because of prior commitments -- like the huge chunks of bowsers she's being paid by Sushi-Siam Dog Chow to be their globe dog-trotting spokescanine.
As for her "mate," Spencer, s/he recently won a role (and possibly a roll) in an upcoming major motion picture -- and when last heard from, s/he was on his/her way to Lithuania for the shoot.
Lovely LuLu, our blog hostess, was also absent from the leash-locking scene. She's presently off somewhere in the Czech Republic schmoozing (and Dog knows what else!) with a new lover, and working on a book. Former (?) Great Love Rockie remains off on a crusade....meaning that anything could happen (and usually does) over the summer~
What of Moxie and his brother? Sydney caught the bride's bouquet, meaning it must be time for another together tether?
I am sad to see Lily fest close. Thoswe were great pictures, but the wedding story is funny.
Please tell us more about Shamus and the mysterious letter P.
All in good time, Molly~
The Eye On The Park:
"My mate is not having an affair!" insisted proud mother and newly-minted honest woman, Tabitha the cat.
"He doesn't know any slinky pussies in Lithuania. He went over there to produce a movie, for Johnny-cat's sake!"
"Calm down, Tabby," we barked through the pet door, since Tabitha (sensibly) had no desire to enter a room filled with dogs.
"But do consider this: Archie will be hanging out with gorgeous actresses like Lena LaMarr (AKA Waggs LaMarr, AKA Spencer the spaniel), and Angelina Petit Basset."
"But they're DOGS," she protested in a loud hiss.
"Not after two or three hours in a makeup chair," we pointed out. "Besides, Chantilly Khat supposedly has a costarring role in the flick, and she's been referred to as the Jessica Alba of feline starlets."
TEOTP heard a sob. "I can't believe it. Archie and I just spoke our vows. We have eight delightful kittens -- Buffy, Cuffy, Duffy, Enuffy, Fluffy, Huffy, Muffy, and Teflon. How could he even contemplate such a thing?"
"You know what males are like," we replied with curdogge bitterness.
"Well, he can't do this to me!" Tabitha declared. "I'll pack up the cat heirs, follow Archie to Lithuania and skin that cat!"
"Take our reporter, Jessica, with you," we insisted, as the city editor grabbed the protesting booze-hound reporter by the throat and tossed her behind the water cooler.
"She can help you take care of the cat heirs," we assured Tabitha, who no doubt figured there was something fishy going on but finally took the bait.
"I don't want to go to Lithuania or look after a bunch of bratty kittens!" Jessica yelped in outrage, as our pitiless editor bit her on the tail. "Why are you making me do this?"
"Because we're dogs," we told her, "and it's our duty to make cats' lives hell. What are they teaching you young pups in school these days, anyway?"
Besides, dear readers, TEOTP wouldn't mind sharing a few rounds of Gin Whoppers or Pink Squirrels with Cody the Akita one of these hot nights.
(Developing (hopefully)...although we all know what males are like..)
Are you crazy, Cathy? I'm a Schnauzer girl all the way and Dacia is SEN SA TIONAL.
Like the Canadian mounted, the girls of Lincoln park always get their man?
I like them all and don't care who knows it!
Speaking as a male dog, I think Sydney's hot, and the Asp gets my savage blood roiling.
She is a permanent ten.
Glad to read you're speaking as a male dog, Hooey.
The Eye On The Park:
LILY CRISIS....AGAIN.
TEOTP has learned that Lily the supermodel, the new face of Sushi-Siam Dog Chow, has checked into Mama Bolognese's Fat Farm on the shores of beautiful Lake Como in Italy, not far from the famous Villa d'Este, or for that matter, George Clooney's house.
In another eerie telepathic interview with Lily's eccentric aunt, Madame Spirea the psychic, TEOTP learned: a) our boyfriend is cheating on us; b) Madame S. and Max the Pharaoh hound are currently in Egypt, where they're attempting to communicate with the Sphinx; c) Sushi-Siam Pet Chow is set to yank the leash on Lily, unless she drops five whole pounds within the next two weeks.
Supposedly the globe dog-trotting little spaniel has put on so much weight, eating her way through Europe and part of North Africa, that her tummy thwacks the ground when she walks ... or tries to.
George Alopekis, the heir to a Greek hunting dog fortune, is once again dating former love, hot muzzle-nuzzle Tiffannee Schulz, the great-great granddaughter of Snoopy the beagle, the Peanuts dog.
"Lily is devastated," reported Madame Spirea, "not about George, but because she can't have whale meat. That bitch has a real problem when it comes to food.
"By the way, did you know that Cleopatra's champion Ibizan hound once knocked up Caesar's favorite mastiff?"
TEOTP admitted we'd missed out on at least one or two licentious historic nibbles in the course of our career.
"Well, of course you did," said Madame S. "How could you expect to know the secrets of the Sphinx." And she signed off.
Reporter Maggie the cocker, who barks a good Milanese street dog patois, quickly managed to get hold of Mama Bolognese herself, and learned at great expense that Lily collapsed after a rugged romp around the lake today, and good friend LuLu the beagle, who also happens to be our boss, has flown in from the Czech Republic to offer support during her worst days of flatulence.
Now there is one courageous canine!
In related park news:
Mox the cavapoo and his "brother," Logan the bichon, recently recognized Madame Spirea as the "auntie" who raised them, and Mox is now convinced that Lily is his bio mom.
After licking sweetheart Sydney on the nose, Mox took off with his bro for Italy...and a confrontation with a spaniel who currently looks like Kirstie Alley at her worst.
As for pretty Sydney: "I don't need this mama-comes-first poop!" declared the awesome little Australian shepherd.
"I'm going to study hard and get into Yale, then marry for power and money, like Dacia."
Hmmm...sounds more like the Asp to us, but what do we know?
(Developing.....at least until we FINALLY get out of here and check into a nice Motel Six in Gatlinburg....)
Officer, a couple of dogs have been following me.
Hi, Punkin, are you home again?
Duz Punkin have a home?
He does.
Could we see more pictures of lily's puppy?
Sounds like a sterling idea to me!
The Eye On The Park:
While Camille Barkoffsky, the New Guinea singing dog who howled herself hoarse at Dacia the schnauzer's recent leash-locking, belted out an earwax-shattering version of "The Bitch I Left Behind Me," cutie bachelor dogs Mox the cavapoo and his "brother," Logan the bichon, hopped aboard a big jet plane and took off for Lake Como in northern Italy early this morning.
Mox (or Moxie, as he is known locally) plans to confront Lily the spaniel, who is in all pupability his bio mom, while she suffers through a weight-loss regimen most Haitian street dogs would deplore on a fat farm not far from the famous Villa d'Este.
"Don't fall for any of those too cute Italian greyhounds," Logan's girl Kinky warned him, while Moxie's love, pretty blue-eyed Sydney, sulked over a bowl of kibble in the coffee shop.
"If Mox isn't back in town in one week, our romance is over," snapped Sydney. "I will be moving on, shufflin' off to Buffalo, taking the night train to Memphis, or whatever," she concluded, as Prince Regent Paco de Shepherd padded importantly through the airport with his entourage in tether, on his way to a canine conference in Dog Patch, Kentucky.
"Who's the pretty bitch chowing down on the kibble?" the prince asked one of his numerous mutty assistants, who was himself in the process of giving slinky Kinky the dog eye.
"I'm not sure, sire," he yelped, taken unawares, "but I'm sure I can find out."
Prince Paco glanced at the clock on the wall. "No, no. Let sleeping dogs lie. We have a plane to catch, and a jet's not as easy to chase down as a car."
After a round of hearty male-dog laughter, the pack charged across the terminal and made it through to their gate after a brief skirmish with a band of jackals who had just arrived on an international flight.
Sydney, looking reflective, ordered some beef jerky along with her kibble.
"The prince hasn't had an easy summer so far," said another one of our unnamed sources from behind our infamous pet door. "Nobody has heard from King Rockie in a dog's age, Spencer's acting like a bitch, LuLu's thrown in her harness and taken off for Europe, and Dacia's likely to prove more of a political competitor than a helpmate when she gets back from London."
"So the prince is kind of stressed?" we guessed.
"Very," barked our unnamed, "not that he would ever admit it. He's a police dog, after all, and for PD's, stress is part of the game."
Meanwhile, back at the airport, one of our rat terriers overheard Sydney say to Kinky -- "Do you think Prince Paco's been neutered?"
(Developing....)
Will this be the summer of love?
Not if you take a serious look at the international scene.
Well said.
Handsome playboy Buddy Pepper already has another girlfriend.
Tell Gracie that the worm turns.
Since our self-styled ACE reporter is off the leash and on her way to Gatlinburg tonight, and since "reporter" Jessica is off somewhere playing nanny to a clowder of kittens, and since intern Kinky feels like spending the night yelping about her boyfriend Logan, who is presently off in Italy -- since all this stuff is going on, we're not bothering with The Eye On The Park Tonight -- instead we're going to get hold of some black market whale meat and (in a dead metaphoric sense) PIG OUT.
In the meantime, enjoy Morey the mutt's strange ramblings -- and thanks for catching the rubber ball, Mor, we owe ya one, kid.
Next stop -- Poppa Poochie's Gin Mill and Whale Meat Emporium! Maggie, we hope you remembered to bring the Pepto....
What happened to Kenny boy and his friends? I remember Puppy Angel!
I'm sure we all remember the Puppy Angle, Smarm.
paco should have married hillary!
Who?
You don't mean Lulu, do you?
Probably he means the Puppy Angel.
I meant the Yale graduate!
Thanks. The picture of Lily's pup is perfect.
Well, we're glad you like him. You'll never guess how old Lily was when she gave birth to him.
Seventeen?
Oh, Ha, Ha.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home