Lily recovers from 'avian distemper' at her leisure...and in Nepal. (Photo by J.M. Hilton)
posted by LuLu @ 2:13 AM
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
Monday, November 13, 2006
Lily recovers from 'avian distemper' at her leisure...and in Nepal. (Photo by J.M. Hilton)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs (formerly the Bow Wow Blog)
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
About Me
- Name: LuLu
I am a single five-year-old female Beagle, shown here by myself, while my mix-up of a sister sings the praises of mutts on my blog. Well, let her. I have a most intriguing (one might even say lascivious) past, at least according to my autobiography. In a former lifetime I was Queen Elizabeth the Ist of England, and later on (among others) I was Nell Gwynn, Pauline Borghese, Louise Brooks, and eventually just lovable, neurotic, adorable ME. I have a perfectly charming, albeit very annoying, sister named Sadie. She's rarely plagued by conscience, possibly because she's a Sagittarius. To date she has attempted to steal most of my boyfriends, meaning we're quite used to fighting over bones. Sadie and I are the same age, although she's the adopted one. We do have a fair amount of things in common. For example, she was once Mary Queen of Scots, and later on both Barbara Villiers and Marlene Dietrich. Amazingly we get along -- at least when we're before the public~
Previous Posts
- Gracie the coachdog has plenty to impart to old fr...
- Sonja the seal befriends a real turkey in internat...
- Lizzy (or is it LuLu?) takes to her heels and head...
- PRIDE&POOP by Jane Airedale (and LuLu)
- "Does Sammy Chan have a girlfriend?" wonders newco...
- King Rockie reigns anew in every respect. (Photo b...
- Sammy Chan takes over as the most eligible young d...
- Lily grants a rare press interview. Will a boost f...
- The baddest feline on the planet? Archibald Catt a...
- Still at the bottom of Lincoln Park Lake, we wonde...
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68 Comments:
I'm SOOOOOOOO sleepy!!!
We can relate to that!
So can I. LOL.
I wish I could! Sleep, I mean. To worsen matters, the holidays are now upon us.
Hyena cubs in LINCOLN PARK?
Why not? We've had aggressive squirrels, angry bunnies, scribbling possums, and militant geese. Baby hyenas ought to fit right in~
You have also had ferrets like Monika and I thought you had a snake in the grass once.
Lily looks so sweet. The new picture of her is perfect.
Don't hyenas smell?
Only if you sniff them.
We are back! The blog was down for more than an hour and we apologize.
Imps at work again.
Your blog gnomes are very, very bad.
I got on OK. I see it's a lonely night.
The Eye On The Park...
Dateline Lincoln Park International:
Self-styled "Dogdess" Lily Hilton, along with her ominpresent business partner, Dixie (the Asp) Simba, swung by LPI early this morning to welcome two new members of her extended family -- Jekyll and Hyde, a pair of spotted Hyena cubs, who were recently adopted by the former supermodel and international celebrity.
The cubs were chaperoned on their flight from a rat, lice, and leper-infested Asian orphanage by their sponsor, former Siegfried & Roy star, Montecore the white tiger; who reportedly had a great time with 'the kids.'
"As soon as I gave them both a horse tranquilizer, things calmed down a lot," he told the press with a big, toothy smile. "They're active cubs who just love to get into everything."
While we were interviewing Montecore, an injured flight attendant was loaded onto a gurney and rushed to a local hospital.
"What happened?" we asked a paramedic.
"A bad mauling," he replied, then caught sight of Montecore's white teeth.
"Or something like that," he amended.
"I'm so glad Lily was willing to adopt the kids," Montcore went on. "You know, I set up an audition for them with that guy who plays Borat, but he rejected them for being too lewd."
The cubs, wearing leather muzzles, were then wheeled off the plane in metal cages.
"Why am I reminded of Hannibal Lector?" asked Lily of nobody in particular, as she nervously posed for the puparazzi.
Montecore roared with chuckles, while the cubs glowered from behind chicken wire.
"Don't be silly," hissed the Asp. "Anyway, I'm already looking into Swiss boarding schools."
Hearing this, one of the cubs stretched out a paw and grabbed hold of her feathery tail.
The Asp shrieked, spun about, and bit the spotted little darling.
"Ah! Good!" approved Montecore. "Start disciplining them early. You will make them a fine mother."
"I'm not their %%!!!*** mother," snarled Lady Dixie. "Oh, my Dog! What are they doing?"
"They're exposing their genitalia," explained Montecore. "It's their way of saying hello...and now I must bid you good-bye."
"Where's Lily?" asked Dixie. "She was here a minute ago."
"I think she just hopped on a flight to Nepal," replied one of the cubs' new nannies, a bitch formerly known as 'Heather, mistress of pain and prong collars.'
She boldly approached the two cages.
"Oh, my Dog!" she cried suddenly.
Developing.....
We are supposed to get snow later and r looking forward to it. Fresh snow is wonderful here. We love our world!
You doggys are real snow bunnies. You make everything sound like so much fun.
Does Deuce buy winter sports clothes from the Gilded Paw?
Bet she goes to Lulu and Luigi's!
That's where I buy MY clothes!
Do you wear their cute little "Lily boots"?
Those r what I'm giving Kabby for Xmas.
I'm deeelighted.
I'm sticking with the one in Chicago for my biscuit underware.
How sucky sweet.
Javens, I'm not buying u a Christmas gift!
The Eye On The Park...
Dateline Lincoln Park:
Two well-known political celebs were back in the park tonight. UN VIP Dacia the Schnauzer flew in to close up her doghouse, before officially moving to New York City; and Senator Paco, paw-in-paw with Sydney, his blue-eyed Aussie Shepherd fiancee, officially passed the torch of local government back to King Rockie.
We sidled up to Sydney, who was looking sensational in a houndstooth-patterned silk coat from Pups&Pussies of Detroit.
"What were you and Dacia talking about?" we brazenly asked her.
"The Head of the UN General Canine Council and I were talking about world affairs," she replied, full of new dignity, since she's soon to become a senator's mate instead of a mere squeak toy.
"You two seemed pretty cozy," we pushed the leash. "You know, her ex-mate plans to make it official with Queenie the Corgi, and he and Dacia aren't even divorced yet."
Sydney bared her canines. "Paco has never been leash-locked before, so why should Dacia dislike ME?" she demanded.
"Handsome Dan plans to tether-tie with that British slut?" growled a bitch whose bite can easily be worse than her bark.
We wagged our scrawny tails and showed our bellies. "You didn't know, Dacia? We just got it off the Grudge Report and Dingo News."
Dacia turned to her paw-lickers. "Why wasn't I informed?" she asked them.
Tails shots between legs and dogs began to cringe and whimper silly excuses.
"Now you've done it!" woofed Syndey. "She'll probably figure out a way to have the poor mutt sent to the pound."
"Oh, she'll more likely just drop a bomb on some boring old country," predicted Attorney General Sammy Chan's perky piece of paw candy, newcomer Chewy the Maltese.
"That's unlikely to be a good thing, dewdrop," her escort told her, as the angry Schnauzer exited the park trailed by her entourage of trembling terriers.
Dacia was wearing a blue Diamond Dogs Swarovski dog collar from the Gilded Paw, along with a murderous smile.
Developing.....
Larn how 2 spel, Yogi. It's UNDERWEAR. Arf! Arf!
I thot Yogi wuz a arrogant college boy!
What about you and Rockie, Lulu? When do you get tethered?
Lulu and Rockie are free spirits, and they don't have to get married. They are both too strong. That's what I think, Punkin.
The blog was down again earlier. Those must be busy little imps.
More likely it's Mercury retrograde. We get along pretty well with the great Dog Star, Sirius -- known to his family as Alpha Canis Majoris, but Merc is a whole different bowl of kibble. Hopefully things will straighten out after the 17th, when Merc goes direct.
Astrology? What do you do with a Gemini dog?
Walk it? I've an idea our blog hostess is a Gemini, and Lily must be a Leo. Rockie is a moon child and the Asp must be a Scorpio.
How did I do?
Actually, KKB, I'm a Virgo. I think my bestest friend Lily is sort of on the cusp of Gemini and Cancer, and it's the Asp who's a Leo. As for my beloved Rockie -- he is in a class by himself.
Please don't confuse our blog characters with US -- the real dogs of Lincoln Park~
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So the dogs of Lincoln Park r real?
Do you think our pictures are imaginary?
I think Javens is imaginary!
I like yanking your leashes.
You need a leash, Javens.
Trouble! Jean is back. Your shorts are on fire now, Javens. HA!
A great picture! It looks like our Aunt Mae.
It looks like my stepdad's granny. Take away the extra hair and you have got Nana Hapner.
Take away the hat and glasses and you have got Lily. She knows how to pose for the camera, that one!
Are you ever going to show a picture of Clawdia the cat?
No. We have it on the best authority that Clawdia cannot be photographed. She also has the ability to make herself invisible.
She is the wind.
And these pain pills are the best~
I like Clawdia. She multi-tasks so well.
I wanna hang with the thing with three heads. Lucky George alway in the middle.
She's pretty.
From the Dingo Wire:
A California sea lion went berserk earlier today and attempted to attack a group of people at a park.
Found amongst the sea lion's possessions was part of a letter. "...when I'm a star. Love, Sonja" it read.
Developing.....
It's very sunny but we want snow! A group of native americans will do a snow dance here tonight and we will attend. Wish us luck!
Trot a fox for me, u 2. I wish WE were on the verge of snow.
Dateline the Church of Lily:
The Asp posts a chapter in her diary.....
Dear Diary -- !!##%%!
I am ready to lose my mind! Here I am trying to push those sucky cosmetics, and now I've got Lily's gimlet-eyed Aunt Lucinda on my paws, plus those two appalling hyena cubs we dragged over from Asia in order to get some good PR.
My Dog! The racket! I've got to tell their nannies to send those brats out to steal a couple of Playstation 3 consoles. With any luck at all, they'll get their ungly little spots blown off, and the world will be a better place.
At least I managed to track down Lily. She's hiding out in a converted temple turned 5-star hotel in Katmandu, and she swears she'll be home the minute she can catch an outgoing flight. Bark me another woof!
"Exactly how are you related to the old bitch in the bonnet?" I asked her. "And WHAT is she doing here?"
"It's kind of a long, lengthy kind of story," she replied, in that chirpy Reese Witherspoon voice she sometimes uses. "It could take a while."
When Lily says "long," she usually means longer than the Amazon, so I settled down with a can of Doggie Designer goose pate and road kill, and let her bark. After about an hour, the following is what I was able to put together from the disjointed tale she told:
Story continued below...
The story continues...
Lily was not, as almost everybody assumes, born in idyllic Lincoln Park. Instead, she was born elsewhere -- in a large kennel on a great estate called Manderley.
Now Manderley was for years owned by the wealthy and aristocratic de Winter family, spaniel breeders to kings, queens, billionaires, and babes (particularly those kept by kings and billionaires).
Lily's line began with a Cavalier King Charles spaniel named Max, who mated with Lillian, whose sister just happens to be that loony old psychic, Madame Spirea --which proves beyond question that insanity haunts the subsequent generations.
"It does not!" objected Lily. "Nobody in my family has ever seen a psychiatrist."
"Not one spacey, shatterbrained spaniel?"
"Only after they were committed," she arf-arfed.
Moving on, Max and Lillian had several litters of puppies, and among them was a litter consisting entirely of three bitches: Rebecca, Katharine, and Lucinda.
Rebecca was the mother of Lily (named for her grandmother), and Lila, who was last heard from while she was living in Rovaniemi, Lap dancing for a couple of husky sled dogs, but that's another story.
Not long after weaning Lily and Lila, Rebecca ran off with a flirty fox terrier, and her name was dropped from the scrolls at the Kennel Club. Katharine and Lucinda, who evidently had the hots for Rebecca's terrier themselves, got into terrible snap-and-snarls, and on a dark and stormy night, one of them set fire to the kennel at Manderley.
"That's awful!" I barked. "Was there a great loss of life?"
"No," said Lily, "just a loss of leashes and squeaky toys, and mattresses and dog food, and bowls and dishes, and..."
"I get the picture! So which one of them did it?"
"We never knew for certain who burned Manderley Kennel to the ground, but Katharine got hauled off to the pound because of incriminating evidence."
"Which was?"
"Her dog license was found next to a can of gasoline and a box of matches."
Sounds like a frame-up to me. "Was she put down?"
"No," said Lily. "She escaped and spent the rest of her life running like a dog through the Everglades."
"Oh, this happened in Florida?"
"No."
I decided not to go there. "What happened next?" I asked her.
"Nothing."
"But how did you live? WHERE did you live?"
"With Auntie Spirea and the gypsies." At which point her phone cut out and so did mine.
I felt oddly relieved.
But then I heard the sound of glass shattering, followed by the cubs' feral shrieks, followed by the hysterical barking of the nanny on duty -- a Rottweiler who once worked for the Flint, Michigan PD in the drug task force division.
##%%!!! If this sort of thing keeps up, I may have to go back to my husband, or turn to religion -- the real kind.
And I still don't know what Lily's eerie aunt is doing here.
I am adopted but am not offended by the "cubs." My adopting parents wanted me but I see the problems with celebrities adopting kids from all over.
Yes, I feel much of it has to do with publicity and this may not be a bad thing but people may lose sight of the needs of the kids themselves while spotlighting poor emerging nations.
You should also consider the wildlife being brought home by so many people. This may have nothing to do with children, except that some people want to impress their friends, and this may be the reason why celebrities are adopting poor children. I feel sorry for children who are taken from there parents and for wild animals taken from the woods.
HA! If a sweet piece of tail like Angelina Jolie wants to adopt an old dog like me, I will happily roll over and play dead, or anything else she has in mind.
Madonna is too saggy for my tastes.
But those kids have got to be the luckiest brats on earth. Getting adopted by a celebrity? How sweet is that?
It's getting deep in here, Javens. Please keep in mind that children should not be used as pawns, and wild animals ought to be let alone.
Sorry, Kabby. I was watching a ballgame. Pawns? U get adopted by a celebrity and get to live in a mansion instead of a hovel? I'm here, Angie-baby. I'm here!
Oh, KKB, Javensis in love and Im drunj, so dellete me
Tempting......
I hate football. Did I miss anything?
You hate football? You must not live near Lincoln Park!
Isn't that unAmerican?
I am sorry but I'm just not a fan.
How 'bout frisbees, Cathy? Do u like to chase frizeees?
You're a fun dog, are you, Javens?
Just pull my leash, Kabby.
There was a recent outbreak of bird flu, I believe. It was on the news.
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