LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
posted by LuLu @ 11:28 PM
LuLu's Desperate House Dogs is a blog about an eccentric little Beagle named LuLu, who, along with her sister Sadie (a Whippet/Terrier/Beagle blend), writes the lurid Puppies in Lust series, and absorbs local color in an idyllic, off-the-leash, canine-centered village known as Lincoln Park~
I am a single five-year-old female Beagle, shown here by myself, while my mix-up of a sister sings the praises of mutts on my blog. Well, let her. I have a most intriguing (one might even say lascivious) past, at least according to my autobiography. In a former lifetime I was Queen Elizabeth the Ist of England, and later on (among others) I was Nell Gwynn, Pauline Borghese, Louise Brooks, and eventually just lovable, neurotic, adorable ME. I have a perfectly charming, albeit very annoying, sister named Sadie. She's rarely plagued by conscience, possibly because she's a Sagittarius. To date she has attempted to steal most of my boyfriends, meaning we're quite used to fighting over bones. Sadie and I are the same age, although she's the adopted one. We do have a fair amount of things in common. For example, she was once Mary Queen of Scots, and later on both Barbara Villiers and Marlene Dietrich. Amazingly we get along -- at least when we're before the public~
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The picture of Lily riding into the Southwest is TOO MUCH!
The Eye On The Park:
Happy Birthday to Lily the spaniel, who is back from Japan (and off to Paris, no less) on the first dogleg of her world tour as The Face of Sushi-Siam Pet Chow.
"Lily has cleaned up her act, left her Akita boyfriend back in Tokyo, and stopped binging on whale meat," said her aunt, eccentric psychic Madame Spirea, in a telepathic interview late last night.
Having just finished an all-American spread for Sushi-Siam, Lily tells us she's eager to "share the love," whatever the pooper mitt that means.
How about sharing the whale meat, sweetie? If we eat enough blubber, we hear we might get lips like Monica the ferret's. (Snort!)
Or how about sharing that hunk of an Akita you left behind you?
(Sigh.)
Ah, well. Setting bitterness and envy aside, we must admit that Lily IS beautiful -- which means she deserves private jets, gorgeous males chasing her across the globe, magnificent jewels, beautiful leashes. Oh, who are we kidding?
Come on now, paws up! Who wants to write the first unauthorized biography? We all know she's got plenty of mats in those curly ears.
(Developing fiendishly.....)
Happy Birthday, Lily. You deserve your super model status!
Lily shares her birthday with Paul McCartney and the Battle of Waterloo. No wonder she's a famous model!
The Eye On The Park:
Oh, enough already! Happy Birthday, Lily, and how about let's be done with it? But if you're a paws-on-the-bone, dyed-in-the-woof canine celebrity dogmatist, which means you're pretty likely to also be a stalker, here's the scoop on how our adorable little supermodel spent her special day:
She was awakened sligtly before noon in the Coco Chanel Suite at the Hotel Ritz in Paris by her personal body servant, who arrived with her kibble, and twenty-five dozen roses from various fans and admirers from all across the globe.
"I love everyone," barked Lily, who showed her appreciation by licking her chops just before tearing into a couple of tender rose buds. She then kicked back her silken sheets, hopped onto the floor, and gobbled down the kibble, along with a half-pound of Sushi-Siam Dog Chow, served (of course) in her special 18th century Imari porcelain bowl, a recent present from the prime minister of Japan.
And if you've been able to keep your gag reflex under control thus far, you're no doubt up for the rest of this sorry tale.
After a fun late morning romp around Paris, where pooping in the streets has long been acceptable, at least if it's done by dogs -- our lovely Lily checked out some of the more expensive canine boutiques, places like La Belle Paree, where leather collars go for as much as 900 euro-bowsers...and that's without the monogram.
Later, it was off to the airport, where Lily was whisked aboard yet another expensive private bird, this one belonging to George Alopekis, a scion of the famous Greek hunting dog clan, and our special spaniel was spirited south, for an overnight stay at the Alopekis castle in Languedoc.
Lily was later feted sumptuously at a huge party, where guests included local dogs as well as hush-hush celebrity pets. Word is, she binged on enough whale meat (compliments of Sushi-Siam Pet Chow) and truffles (compliments of her host) to give a rhino the runs for a week.
Tomorrow, if she's capable of stumbling out of bed and landing on all fours, the luscious bitch is off to Morocco for a few more days of outrageous self-indulgence, which will no doubt include more pigging out and lots and lots of shopping.
Let's see -- if TEOTP gets really lucky, her guardian might haul her down to Gatlinburg later this summer..and she'll probably have to spend most of the trip in the backseat of her guardian's Honda Civic with Mr. Dweeber, the dreaded terrier mix owned by said guardian's creepy cousin.
AAARRRGGG!
Oh, well, maybe in TEOTP's next life....
(Yeah, yeah. We're developing...but we're developing irascibly...)
How old are you, Lily?
What a question! And you wonder why you're not getting dates, Fiver?
Fiver,
Apologize at once!
Lily,
Lulu likes to kid you about your age but you look very young and vibrant. You can't be more than three?
HA!
Lulu, you are bad, girl!
The Eye On The Park:
"Marrakech is fascinating, intriguing, colorful, spiritually uplifting...." on and on went psychic Madame Spirea, Lily the spaniel's eccentric aunt, who is accompanying her as a sort of knock-off chaperone, while a rich Greek playhound tries to impress the bejewled harness off her niece.
"Lily got lost in the souk today," Madame S. continued, speaking to us on a cranky cell phone from what sounded like a camel stampede.
"It IS a camel stampede," she verified. "And have you ever smelled a camel's breath?"
We confessed that we hadn't.
"Don't," she said. "It stinks worse than 'An American Haunting.'"
"Wow!" we vociferated. "That bad? Really?"
"It's Lily," said Lily, evidently no longer lost in the souk. "When we get back to Casablanca, I want to find out what happened to Ingrid Bergman's dog."
"Uh, say what?" we asked.
Madame S. got the cell phone out of her paw. "Lily's a little confused," she told us. "She thinks Ingrid Bergman had a dog in the movie 'Casablanca.'"
"There was no dog in the movie," we confirmed. "Well, OK, Paul Henreid's role was a tad woof-woof, but that's as far as we're willing to go."
"I didn't think so either," maintained Madame S. "Lily, how much mint tea have you had?"
"There was a dog in Casablanca," we could hear Lily insisting, and then the phone went dead.
There wasn't a dog in Casablanca, was there?
"That's what happens when you get lost in a souk," commented Gretchen the Dachshund darkly. "Dog knows what somebody slipped into her tea bowl."
Hopefully it's something that goes well with whale blubber and truffles.
There honestly wasn't a dog in 'Casablanca' -- was there?
(Developing...but only if we have absolutely to...)
Is Felony as cute as Lily is?
Perhaps you might tell us, Yogi?
My favorite picture is Lily in paris. I want to got there so bad.
Lily, you have fun!
Can you let Lily find Shamus over there in Marakesh? I miss him.
We like the way you think, Molly, and will definitely save your suggestion. Let's see...Shamus falls out of a plane over the Andes, and he later winds up in Marrakech?
Sounds like an easy enough can-do for us!
By the way, have you ever smelled a camel's breath?
I smelled a camel's breath!
Congratulations, Hooey, and don't worry -- we won't ask.
The Eye On The Park:
Our far-flung friends....
Word is that gourmand supermodel Lily the spaniel is spending the night at the Alhambra in Spain with George Alopekis, scion of the bowser-heavy Greek hunting-dog family. How romantic, right? But we wonder if Lily is still chowing down on whale blubber? (Snort!)
Meanwhile her supposed "chaperone," eccentric psychic Madame Spirea, has opted to stay behind in Morocco, where she was last seen in the company of a rather sleek pharaoh hound named, uh, Max (?)
Go figure that one!
Moving back to the European peninsula, LuLu the beagle arrived in Prague today, and checked into the Alchymist Grand Hotel and Spa, which isn't far from historic Prague Castle and a comfy little doggy park. (Hmmm...Alchymist? Sounds more like a spot for Madame Spirea, we'd think.)
Having put on a bit of weight during her recent bout of "illness," LuLu is likely to make good use of the spa before meeting up with her hot new terrier lover, and moving to a hunting lodge on the Bohemian-Moravian border to start work on her new book. (A new lover, a new book. Is she trying to emulate George Eliot, Dorothy Parker, or Danielle Steel?)
Moving to northern South America, Chico and Spunquito the Chihuahuas, along with coyotes Rush and Randhi, and pugs Bumbles and Tramp, remain on the loose somewhere in Colombia, and we wish them lots of luck when they try to reenter the good old U S of A.
Back at the ranch, TEOTP is still waiting for a chance to bail out of here and go to Gatlinburg. Meanwhile, the Eye has been able to get hold of a couple cans of Sushi-Siam Dog Chow, and has started binging on whale blubber.
You know, I think this stuff beats Prozac.....
(Why bother developing...?)
Why, indeed?
This sure is interesting. Lily and Lulu have a lot more fun than I do.
Would they like a stowaway?
Omigod! The Alhambra! I would LUV to go there! I luv Lily and her adventures!
Fiver,
What happened to your girl friends?
They don't live in Michigan, Jean.
The Eye On The Park:
TEOTP has learned (via the pet door, as usual) that Archie the cat, current owner and CEO of Diz Temper Productions, is leaving for Lithuania tomorrow to begin work on his company's first motion picture, "Piles," a compilation of the late Shamus O'Possum's two works of near-fiction, "From the Leaf Pile" and "From the Dog Pile."
"He's working in tandem with Lester Lemming of Rodent House Books," hissed our informant, who got a catnip mouse for his efforts, "and he's not taking his wife with him."
Oh?
Smelling a rat, TEOTP immediately got hold of Tabitha the cat.
"Archie's not taking you to Lithuania with him?" we asked her.
"Uh, no," she said. "The cat heirs and I are going to Gatlinburg instead."
TO GATLINBURG?!!!!!
"Your husband has a mistress," we told her.
(Developing...but first we're getting out of town...)
As always, Paco gets stuck with defending the fort.
Paco's Pal,
The fearless German shepherd gets "stuck" because he's so efficient at his job. Aside from Rockie the Lab, Paco's our rock...er, or something like that.
He never gets much action.
Do you contend you do, baby?
Teehee. U old dog U.
I don't live in Michigan, Fiver, but I've got a cute female dog who might want to be yur friend.
I'm listening.
Want some pictures?
Uh, where are we going with this, Jean?
The Eye On The Park:
The pilot of an Aero Snail Mail express plane (a B-29) today reported sighting what appeared to be a huge letter "P" showing up in the foliage in a rainforest high in the Andes Mountains, not far from the area where Shamus O'Possum is thought to have fallen to his death from an ASM cargo hold recently.
"We really aren't drawing any conclusions or making any connections," said a spokescreature for Aero Snail Mail in a brief phone interview. (Oiii! We can't wait to get the phone bill!)
"The letter 'P' could stand for anything -- it is highly unlikely that it means 'possum.'"
"Wouldn't that be 'opossum,' anyway?" we asked.
"Maybe," conceded the ASMSC, "but most of you gringo mutts spell 'llama' with one 'l' -- and you almost always mispronounce it."
"What does that have to do with anything?" we demanded across the miles, while AT&T revved the meter, "and why did you ask us to call you, anyway?"
"We're too far away to use your pet door like everybody else."
We hung up.
TEOTP really needs that trip to Gatlinburg.
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Seen in the park:
Love your new haircut, Iggy! You used to look like a poodle, but now you strongly resemble a schipperke. Hmmm.
And welcome to LP, Aloise and Alan, two thoroughly adora-belle American Eskimo pups. Too bad you two aren't water dogs, considering how much it rained today, but we're glad to have you padding down our pathways all the same~
Shamus lives!
Sure!
Send me your email off line? Do you have my link?
Thank you for Shamus.
Molly,
Nobody has done anything yet~
But they will! They will!
Is the 911 beagle a friend of Lu's?
The Eye On The Park:
"Damage one thread and I'm ripping your throats out!" barked Lincoln Park leash-locking consultant Barbara Bull Terrier, as a score of nervous assistants dashed about her consulting pen with mouthfuls of lace, satin, and silk early this morning.
"My Dog!" she declared, sinking back on her haunches and gnashing her teeth. "Count 'em! Not one, not two, but THREE major local leash-lockings tomorrow, and I have imbeciles -- IMBECILES -- working for me."
TEOTP twitched our tail. "Poor dear," we sympathized, while keeping a slight distance between us and the testy terrier, "and you the only REAL leash-locking consultant in the entire village."
(That perked her ears.)
"Well, it's true," she allowed. "If your leash-locking isn't 'By Babs,' you might as well just run off for a quick roll in the leaves. Granted, Laura Llasa's done a few small-statement tethers, and there's always Madison Mutt for the doghouse in the trailer park crowd...
"Fluffy, WHERE are you taking that veil?" snarled Babs, showing all her teeth at a trembling Chinese Crested, who scampered toward the exit with her boss snapping at her hocks.
"Now where were we?" asked Babs, having sent Fluffy into such a fit of hysterics, she wound up peeing on the floor.
"Can you tell us anything about the individual weddings?" we wheedled cautiously.
"Well, not really. I'm sworn to confidence, but how many bowsers are we talking?"
We told her, she tore the money out of our paws, and then gave us her version of a mini-scoop.
"Dacia's is the most elaborate leashing, of course. Hell's cat bells! I can't imagine why she didn't just rent the winner's circle at Westminster instead of the Lincoln Park Canine Chapel, and Dixie Cavalier is trying for a mini-coronation at the Palace. She's such a darling. By that, I mean she's a perfect bitch, of course, but she does it so well. Oh, and Miss Gracie is going for young and au courant, but her dress cost a fortune, naturellement. She and Buddy are exchanging bones on a raft in the middle of the lake. All the guests will have to dog-paddle out to watch them. It ought to be quite a howl.
"Not the rubies with that ivory satin!" she growled and lunged, and yet another terrified assistant ran yelping toward the exit.
"Who's giving the girls away?" we asked, putting both our life and bowsers on the line.
"What? Oh, Prince Paco is doing duty for BOTH Dacia and Dixie, and Cody the Akita is walking the plank for Miss Gracie."
"The plank?" we asked.
"The boat thing, dear. And for all I know he's dressing as a pirate.
MISTY! IS THAT WATERED SILK YOU ARE CHEWING?"
And we bolted for the exit right along with the rest of the crowd fleeing this canine version of Meryl Streep in "The Devil Wears Prada."
Back at the office we found booze hound Jessica high-tailing and strutting. "Miss Gracie has asked me to be her bitch of honor," she told us.
"Why? Because the dog who's giving her away has made you his squeaker toy?"
"No, because I'm part water dog, and I have my life-saving tag." she said.
In retrospect, you couldn't pay me enough bowsers to take on Barbara's job~
(Developing...)
Barbara Bull Terrier reminds me of my mother in law.
She reminds me of my wedding consultant.
I was my own wedding planner and wish I had had a Barbara there.
Yep.
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